Today marked the voluntary end of the Benedict XVI Era of the Catholic Church. The Pope is now off to enjoy his post-papacy years, sleeping in, writing books and engaging in a lucrative speaking tour. He will be now known on talk radio as the former half-term pope of the Catholic Church, but who cares? No more waving!
Some say his departure was hastened by the growing scandal surrounding leaked internal documents from the Vatican. I’m not sure about that, but I do know that his letter of resignation to his boss was leaked just today. Since there is no Commandment against me posting it, here it is for my loyal readers:
To: The Almighty
From: Pope Benedict XVI
As you probably know from listening to my daily prayers, I have decided to exercise the “free will” clause in my employment contract and resign as Pontiff, effective February 28, 2013. Please accept my resignation.
There are a number of factors that influenced my decision at this time. I know that for the past 600 year, You have been the One to make the retirement decision for the Popes, often by force. However, the job responsibilities have become increasing difficult for me.
I know that you are aware of the standing offer for me to appear on the next season of Dancing With the Stars, but that is not what brought me to this decision to retire. While I was tempted by the chance to perform interpretive sambas and tangos that celebrate the Good News, it was not the driving factor. It was one of many.
- The physical demands of the job were becoming too great. I think we can agree that balancing a 2 foot tall 20 pound hat on your head is better suited for a younger man with a stronger back.
- It is impossible to respond to the over 50,000 Twitter prayer requests that I receive each day and I have been having difficulty grasping the concept of the hash tag. I keep confusing it with the number sign.
- More of the faithful are figuring out that I don’t really know Latin and that I have been making up words for the better part of 4 years now. I feel it is best to retire before You decide to raise Latin from the dead and my secret is discovered.
- Your management style does not allow me sufficient independence to shape the Church as I see fit. Everything is a Commandment with You. After 80 years in Your service, I think I deserve not to be spoken to with “You shall” or “You shall not” all day long. It is not very motivating.
While it is Your decision to select my replacement, may I offer one recommendation? I believe that the Church needs to solidify its standing in Latin America and I believe that a Latin American Pope would be ideal.
I know the perfect candidate. He is Latino, he has been a Cardinal and he is now an Angel – Albert Pujols. Le Hombre the First would unite the Church like no other replacement. Beyond his devout Catholic beliefs, he can hit for power and average. Just spitballing here.
Thank you for not ending the world during my reign. That would have been embarrassing.
PS - I would also ask that the Vatican repair shop take a look at the shocks on the Popemobile. The ride has becomes uncomfortable especially over the cobblestone streets. It pulls to the right at high speeds as well.