The U.S. Postal Service announced today that it would cease
all Saturday mail delivery. Somewhere in
the distance, a Newman cries out. The
organization has been drowning in red ink for years, and this move was widely
anticipated. Critics fear this
development will lead to slow deliveries and long lines at Post Office branches
across the country.
No wait, we already have those conditions. Critics really fear this development because
they fear idle postal workers. That
sounds legitimate. I prefer my post
office workers to be busy.
The reduction in service days begins in August. We should thank our lucky stars that the 237
year old business is just now slowing down.
Most of us start thinking about a reduced schedule in our 60s and 70s. At 237, the mail service of America could
use some rest. It’s been a good ride,
but it is time to scale down the workload, old man.
While ending Saturday deliveries is the headline news from
the agency, there were several other cost cutting measures announced with less
fanfare, each proposal deserves a passing mention:
To save travel time for the letter carriers, mail for all
residents of a given street will have deliveries left in a pile in a central
location on a curb for neighbors to “self-sort”.
Undocumented workers can speed the path to citizenship by
volunteering to make a 2 year commitment to the Postal Service. Wages from these unskilled postal employees
will be garnished to repay accumulated immigration fines and back taxes. The Postal Service describes this plan as a
“win-win” for immigrants.
Mail carriers will no longer be allowed to work expensive
overtime hours through wind, rain, sleet or dark of night. Mail will only be delivered on sunny, clear
days (a postal spokesperson did not explain how this new initiative would
impact Seattle,
home of only a few good weather days each year).
To control labor costs, a new recruiting campaign will be
launched encourage high school drop outs to consider a rewarding, secure and
low-wage career in the Postal Service.
The marketing will focus on the ways a Postal career can lift someone
out of poverty over the long term. The
campaign is tentatively being called “Goin’ Postal – It’s the Only Way Out”.
To save uniform expenses, the list of acceptable postal
uniforms will be expanded to include Boy Scout leader outfits or a worker’s
favorite sports team jersey. These new
options will provide flexibility, affordability, and breathability. It will also give the worker a chance to
express themselves in the workplace, something that Gen Y entrants into the
workforce demand.
To speed letter processing, stamps will be standardized to a
single image so postal workers can stop being slowed by asking their co-workers
in the sorting line, “Hey, does this look like a real stamp to you?” The productivity gain is estimated at 87%.
The Postal Service also announced plans to reduce the volume
of mail as part of their cost cutting proposals:
Beginning in December 2013, letters to Santa will result in
a fine to the sender of $10 and the offending letter writer will be added to
the National Naughty Registry, viewable online.
Mother’s Day will be removed from the list of nationally
recognized holidays, thus reducing the month of May mail volume by 96%.
The Postal Service is recommending a Hallmark tax to reduce
usage. According to their press release,
if every Hallmark card carries a $5 surcharge, private consumption of these
cards can be discouraged by “government mandated market forces”.
Finally, the Post Office will finance the wiring of every
home in America
for free Internet access at no cost to the homeowner, thus completely
eliminating the need for catalogs, promotional postcards, new credit card
offers and photos from out of town family members. Within 5 years of completion, the need for a
post office will no longer exist, and this wiring plan is cheaper to the nation
than subsidizing the current Post Office.
We grew up thinking the postman only rings twice. Before we know it, he may stop ringing the bell
completely.
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