Friday, March 1, 2013

Hiding the Sausage in Milwaukee

Sports enthusiasts across the greater Milwaukee area are asking themselves tonight, “Who is hiding the sausage?”  It could be anyone.

Guido, one of the 7-foot tall Italian sausages that participate in the Milwaukee Brewers’ mid-game sausage race, has gone missing since February 16th.  It seems that the big sausage was slipped out of the backdoor of the Milwaukee Curling Club while attending a promotional event and remains at large.  Police are hoping that the giant piece of meat will be hard to keep under cover and will reappear soon.

The disappearance of the sausage occurred during a beer tasting event when presumably the bar patrons were too intoxicated to notice a giant sausage slipping through their midst.  Police were surprised that no one saw or felt the sausage come or go that night.

“A sausage that size has a mind of its own.  It could have slipped in anywhere and may still be there,” said a police spokesperson.  “Someone is hiding the sausage and we will not rest until we check every crevice and we find the missing link.” 

Local residents are dumbfounded.  “I’ve lived in this town for 25 years and it is hard to hide a sausage in this place,” offered Dick LeStange, a regular lecher at the Curling Club.  

“Believe me, I’ve tried with something much smaller than a 7-footer and it’s not that easy.”

There were some picture being posted online of women at other local watering holes with their arms around the sausage that same night, and the meat appeared to be in good spirits and standing at attention for the cameras.

Security around the other Milwaukee giant sausages has been increased.  “The last thing we need around here is some other drunken fan to try and grab another giant sausage in public.  Milwaukee has a reputation to protect.”

Authorities warn that if you come into contact with the big sausage, do not panic but seek immediate protection.    

UPDATE:  The sausage has been found.  According to the Milwaukee Journal , it was dropped off at TJ Ryan’s bar in Cedarburg on Wednesday night.  The bartender was asked by the men who returned it to pretend that she had not seen anything, and she then gave the paper the quote of the year describing the mysterious return of the mascot costume:  

"Like I didn't just see two guys plop a sausage on a barstool."

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