Inauguration Day, January 20, 2013: President Santorum started his work day as President by sending his signature campaign program to Congress for immediate consideration. The Ten Commandments Covenant for America was the foundational promise of his campaign, and he aimed to capitalize quickly on his electoral momentum. His 10-point plan includes specific steps to shore up the nation’s crumbling moral infrastructure, create high paying faith-based jobs, and begin a Reformation of the tax code.
Key points from his Ten Commandments Covenant for America include, in order:
1. “I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other gods before Me.” – To honor the First Commandment, Santorum requests a law outlawing the worship of false gods by the U.S. Government. Specifically, the secular gods of “climate science”, “diversity”, “feminism”, and “Social Security” are listed for exorcism from the federal budget and all federal departments in his legislative request.
2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them.” – Santorum’s 10 point plan includes a controversial request for funds to demolish of Mt. Rushmore and all other statutes on federal land of any non-Christian Americans, such as the Rev. Martin Luther King.
3. “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.” – His proposal calls for no more cussing in public, although private cussing would remain protected speech. In a bow to the political realities, there is a conscious exception for hitting your thumb with a hammer and really satisfying sex, as long as the goal of that sexual encounter is procreation.
4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work.” – Santorum’s proposed law eliminates the Fair Labor Standards Act imposition of a 40 hour work week and replaces it with a 6 day, 144 hour work week as prescribed in the Commandments. If passed, all NFL games would be moved to Saturday. NASCAR would still allowed on Sundays as turning left over and over is considered “rest”.
5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” – This amendment would codify in the law that it is illegal to honor your father and your father, and your mother and your mother.
6. “You shall not murder.” – In Santorum’s submission to Congress, he specifically requests that personhood be defined as beginning with “the twinkle in your father’s eye” in order to protect the potential of life in all circumstances. The right of murder is then reserved for the state alone when it has a really good reason, like suspecting a non-believer of terrorism or promoting freedom and democracy abroad.
7. “You shall not commit adultery.” –Newt Gingrich campaigned against this plank, dubbing it a “fundamental overreach”. It is the only amendment thought to have little or no chance in a Congress consisting of 90% men with important needs.
8. “You shall not steal.” – Congressional observers expect this amendment to watered down significantly by changing the wording to “You shall not be caught stealing”. Others have argued that it will not survive committee mark up, and it will be recommended as a state’s rights issue for consideration.
9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” – This commandment is noticeably absent from Santorum’s submission to Congress. Many administration insiders believe that this commandment would result in SuperPACs being silenced in violation of their First Amendment right to purchase the politician of their choice and spend as much speech as possible on adverting prior to an election.
10. “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.” – Since this Commandment is the basis for the free market and all capitalist systems, this commandment is also excluded from the final submission.
President Santorum reiterated that these Commandments need to be passed quickly to protect the nation from the existential threat of the Prince of Darkness, Satan. He also reminded lawmakers that unless the Ten Commandments were entered into the Constitution, we would never have true religious freedom in the United States.
“You are either for us or you are against us. If these Commandments are not passed, the terrorists win.”
The Democrats in Congress accused Santorum of overreach, and nailed their 95 Objections to the front door of the White House.
Undeterred, President Santorum then reiterated his governing doctrine as outlined in his 2008 speech at Ave Maria University:
“This is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war. This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country - the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age (Lindsay Lohan maybe?)….
“He didn’t have much success in the early days. Our foundation was very strong, in fact, is very strong (well, except for that little skirmish between the states that pitted brother against brother). But over time, that great, acidic quality of time corrodes even the strongest foundations. And Satan has done so by attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition. (Apparently, back when we had a sweatshop labor force, legalized slavery, and more than half the population was defined as male property by law, our “foundation was very strong” and Satan wasn’t involved in any of that).
“He was successful. He attacks all of us and he attacks all of our institutions. The place where he was, in my mind, the most successful and first successful was in academia (which is why Galileo was excommunicated, I presume). He understood pride of smart people. He attacked them at their weakest, that they were, in fact, smarter than everybody else and could come up with something new and different. Pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it because they’re smart. And so academia, a long time ago, fell (Adam only bit into that apple because of his sinful intellectual curiosity).
“And you say “what could be the impact of academia falling?” Well, I would have the argument that the other structures that I’m going to talk about here had root of their destruction because of academia. Because what academia does is educate the elites in our society, educates the leaders in our society, particularly at the college level. And they were the first to fall (Santorum has a doctoral degree from an Ivy League school, by the way. Maybe he is possessed by Satan.).”
When told that polls showed his Ten Commandments Covenant for America had little chance of passage, President Santorum blamed the media...and Satan, in that order.