Sunday, February 3, 2013

Super Bowel Games

As we begin our 14th and final day of Super Bowl preview programming, we are desperate for new angles to exploit/explore that will drive interest in those non-Baltimore and non-San Francisco TV markets.  Today I have found the issue that transcends the Big Game and ties the event back to the decay of Western Civilization.

It seems that performance enhancing drugs may have infiltrated one of the last safe havens in American sports – competitive eating, Super Bowl Sunday’s dark cousin.

On Friday, El Wingador, the five-time winner of the Wing Bowl, was indicted for possession and distribution of cocaine.  There is little doubt that marijuana served as El Wingador’s gateway drug, so his victories are now tainted by the stench of PED-induced munchies.  Move over, Lance.  Move over, A-Rod.  The back page of the N.Y. Post now belongs to El Wingador.   

The Wing Bowl is a chicken wing eating contest held annually in advance of the Super Bowl at the Wells Fargo Centre in Philadelphia, and in 2005, Bill Simmons, El Wingador’s street name, won the competition by inhaling 162 wings in one sitting.  It is obvious on its face that no one, outside the Governor of New Jersey, could eat that many wings without chemical assistance.  Just as Adrian Peterson could not have run for over 2,000 yards after knee surgery without ‘extra’ help, Simmons couldn’t down all those wings without extra help, and a sh*tload of Wet Naps.   

The Wing Bowl has become an annual tradition in Philadelphia, hosted by 94WIP radio and held on the Friday before the Super Bowl.  As we all know, competitive eating is the perfect pre-game celebration for Super Bowl Sunday, followed closely by competitive drinking and driving (post-game vomiting is considered a demonstration sport this year).  No doubt Bill Simmons could win those, too.  

While few of us could play a game of football before the Super Bowl, we could all participate in competitive eating before the game.  It is a sport that unites us.  But thanks to El Wingador, we’ll always question whether or not our neighbor is really enjoying our chili or just doped up and eating unconsciously.  Glassy eyes and a ring of hot sauce around someone’s lips at our party will no longer be viewed as a guest having a good time.  We will now assume he’s a cheater.  Our innocence is shattered – again.  

We cannot be shocked that drugs have tarnished the records in our pure eating sports.  Once antler spray became the PED of choice at this year’s Super Bowl, could anything surprise us?

Kids, just say no to doping before eating.  Let the El Wingador Story serve as a cautionary tale this holiday.  Enjoy the game and stay clean this Super Bowl Sunday.  Remember, your party host may ask for a urine sample before the night is through. 

Trust but verify.

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