Righting the Ship

The Republican National Committee had its post-election debriefing conference last month in Charlotte, NC, the site of the wildly successful 2012 Democratic National Convention.  I suspect that the RNC membership was hoping some of that Charlotte luck would rub off on them while simultaneously hoping that the hired help in Charlotte would not rub up against them.  Such is the tortured existence of the GOP faithful as they bemoan another 4 year of America’s funeral dirge towards socialism, atheism and unilateral disarmament-ism.   

As a lifelong Democratic sympathizer, I was not invited to the annual confab of the old, white, paranoid 1%ers.  I did, however, know someone who attended and he (of course it was a ‘he’ – GOP women were invited to a separate but equal conference elsewhere) was kind enough to share some of his hand-written notes that he scribbled during one of the round table discussions about the past election.  His paper was soaked with tears, but here’s what I could salvage:  

His note at the top of the page:  We lost again but it was not our fault.

Blame our technology.  Mitt had that super voter tracking Doppler 5000 HAL computer that his campaign never road tested before Election Day.  If we had better computers for exit poll tracking, we would have won.  Action Item:  Call Steve Jobs.

Blame our long primary process.  The process went too long and gave the general electorate too much of a window into our actual positions.  Action Item: Remove Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and Herman Cain from the 2016 mailing list.

Blame our obsession with violent non-consensual sex acts.  We should mandate that all registered Republicans who run for office sign a pledge that they will never mention rape or transvaginal probing in a positive light again.  Action Item:  Call Grover Norquist for draft pledge language.

Blame our mascot.  Elephants are slow and gray, much like our party’s core demographic.  Maybe we need an animal that’s more aggressive, more independent - like a snake.  Action item: Check trademark status of Don’t Tread on Me flags.

Blame the Electoral College system.  It was suggested that we can rig the EC by splitting the apportionment of state votes.  This would be a positive for the party now that we have gerrymandered the states to our advantage.  Action item: Ask swing state legislators to reapportion their EC votes but only if we think we’re going to lose again in 2016.

Blame voter suppression efforts.  It was a good idea but poorly executed.  Those people showed up anyway.  Action item: Promote the Florida Long Line Model for the nation.

Blame poor Latino mobilization.  We need to improve our image with those people.  Action Item:  Book George Lopez to speak to empty chair at 2016 National Convention.

Blame the front loaded the primary calendar.  Front loading the calendar was a good idea, until some in the lame stream media decided that candidate debates needed to begin a full 18 months before the general election.  Action Item:  Call Roger Ailes.

Blame the candidate.  We tried picking a candidate who was not named Barack Obama.  No one understands why that wasn’t enough.  Action Item:  Schedule impeachment hearings.

Blame George Bush.  His liberal agenda and his Keynesian economic policies doomed our efforts from the start.  Action item: Recruit his brother Jeb to denounce him. 

His notes leave me thinking that the Republicans have missed the point of the 2012 election.  So I told him the sad truth.  I explained to him that he cannot blame the GOP electoral loss on the marketing strategy or the tone or the opposition’s negative ads.  I told him it wasn’t the 47% that stole his country away from him. 

I told him that the GOP lost because of his party’s position on the issues.  I told him that the GOP will not win with a coalition of primarily older white men and evangelicals.  I told him that his party could not win by demonizing government while trying to earn election as the head of government.  I told him that tacking back to the political center after the primaries can’t work if the ‘tack’ has to be 180 degrees.  I told him his party would have to change. 

He paused, thought for a moment, and then called me a Kool Aid drinking socialist.  I haven’t seen him since.  The rumor is that he has bought a gun and a sweater vest and is auditioning to replace Sarah Palin as a more cost-effective Fox News political consultant.   

I wish him luck...all bad.