Memo to Mitt Romney: Giving
gifts works.
The power of gift giving has been known for centuries. The Greeks knew it. Their little hollow horse filled with heavily
armed men helped them win the Trojan War.
Kobe Bryant knew it. He knew that
without a 25 carat gift to his wife after he was acquitted of rape charges, he
would be forced to live an uncomfortable lifestyle on only half of his
money. Most politicians know this. Nothing says “I like you and I value you and
I have an ulterior motive” like a thoughtful and obscenely expensive
present.
Romney could have used some of that gift advice during his
unsuccessful White House run.
During Mitt Romney ‘s post-election day Apology Tour, he
complained that President Obama won reelection by giving “gifts” to his
constituencies. Obama, according to
Romney, shamelessly gave food stamps to the hungry, health insurance access to
the sick, amnesty to immigrant children and equality to gay soldiers. It should have come as no surprise to the GOP
nominee that gifts have been found to generate positive feeling towards the
gift giver. The world’s most famous gift
giver, Santa Claus, has known this for centuries, and he continues to win the
popular vote every single year. In fact,
his ability to buy loyalty through the giving of gifts has left him unopposed
for decades. Humbug doesn’t stand a
chance against Ol’ St. Nick.
Romney needed to look no further than Kris Kringle’s most
recent successful campaign to see the power of gift giving. Yes, it is true that incumbents like Santa
have a built-in advantage, but it is also true that giving gifts works.
Just listen to Santa’s acceptance speech from Election Night
2012:
“Thank you for
reelecting me for another term as your Santa.
Throughout this campaign, my platform was clear. I make one non-negotiable promise – now that
I am your Santa for another term, you will receive gifts this year!
“This has been a hard
fought campaign, often about small things.
When Humbug falsely accused me of kissing mommy underneath the mistletoe
that night, I knew that our politics was badly broken. Thankfully, the good people of America saw
through the blizzard of attack ads and voted for giving over greed.
“I was accused of
being a socialist, a redistributor of wealth.
The voters understood that I wear a red suit not as a political
statement, but because red is the color of my rosy cheeks. And the beard I wear is not a symbol of
Stalinist sympathies. It is a practical,
balanced approach to the bitter cold I face when visiting my white house in the
North.
“You rejected these distractions. You know me.
Santa is good for economic growth. Humbug only offered lumps of clean coal in your stockings.
“I was there at the
birth of the Easy Bake Oven and the hoola hoop.
I was there when the first Nerf basketball net was raised over a closet
doorway in Anytown, USA. My commitment to these innovations helped
these industries to flourish. The
Cabbage Patch dolls changed the face of dolls forever. Ferbies and Tickle Me Elmo were tangible
examples of my intervention in the marketplace that spurred growth and
widespread prosperity. In short, I built
that!
“My assistance in
these products was not, as my Humbug opponent said, a “Santa takeover of toys”. It was an example that when private industry
and Santa work together in partnership, there is nothing we cannot achieve.
“I will continue to
strengthen our security with increased surveillance of our enemies and I will
remain vigilant against those who are naughty.
To those who wish to do harm to this country, I remind you as I have the
entire campaign: I know if you’ve been bad or good, so you’d better be good for
goodness sakes.
“I want to especially
thank the youth of this country who came out in droves to support my
candidacy. Knowing that young people
believe in me gave me the strength to wake up every morning and continue to
fight the forces of pessimism that infect our everyday lives. Each evening after some milk and cookies, my
staff would deliver 10 of your letters chosen at random to my bedside. Your heartfelt notes pulled my droll little
mouth up like a bow at the end of a long day.
“In the end, this was
not an election about me. It was about
you. You are the gifts that keep on
giving.
“We face daunting
challenges. The polar ice caps are
melting. I have been diagnosed with Type
2 diabetes. Sarah Palin is committed to
thinning the herd that powers my sleigh and Blitzen has gone into hiding. But with your help and that of several
million tiny invisible elves, I know there is no rooftop we cannot reach.
“I do not fear the
days ahead. We face a fiscal cliff of
too much spending and too little revenue every January, but we always
persevere. We must have presents and
invest in fun and merriment, but at the same time I recognize the need for a
balanced approach. The wealthy among us,
and that includes me, must contribute a little more to those who are struggling. Message:
I care, Ho Ho Ho.
“Once again, thank you
for your vote this holiday season and every season. I will not let you down. By the way, America, there’ll be something
extra nice in your stocking this year.
No, it’s not Medicare for all, but you’re close. It’s a voucher to your local state health
insurance exchange! Feliz Navidad and
Happy New Year!”
So Mitt, next time you run for office, remember the example
of Santa Claus. Giving gifts works. You might want to think about a red suit,
too.
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