Please be advised of this important product recall information from Crossroads GPS.
From: Karl Rove, CEO
To: Our Valued Customers
RE: PRODUCT RECALL – DEFECTIVE CANDIDATES:
ALL 2012 MODELS
This is a public notice to all Crossroads GPS consumers who purchased politicians between the period January 1, 2011 and November 6, 2012. We have been notified by the Federal Elections Commission that our products may not function as advertised under voter scrutiny, and we are immediately recalling these products.
If you own a politician sold under the brand name of:
You must discontinue use at this time. These products were sold to you as functional leaders, capable of leading the nation through challenging economic times. Voter testing has demonstrated that these politicians cannot handle the rigors of governance, and should be either returned to us or discarded in a proper receptacle, such as a cable news talk show chair. These politicians have proven to be unsafe for gainful employment in the public sector and their ideas are a risk to the public in their current form.
To know if your politician was purchased through Crossroads GPS, look for the following signs:
· White, middle aged and male
· Poor mathematical functioning
· Inability to turn down the volume
· Rejects the reality of climate change, evolution, and women’s suffrage
· Only works as designed 47% of the time
Crossroads GPS is in negotiations with the Federal Trade Commission to combat charges of false advertising of our politicians, and you may be eligible for a cash settlement (although probably not). We’ll be sure to notify you.
Crossroads GPS first became aware of these defective models in mid-October 2012 through poll testing but was not aware of how widespread and dangerous the malfunctions were. Since the results of November 6th voter testing, we have decided to take aggressive action. Unfortunately, repairs cannot be made to these politicians. Replacements will need to be manufactured, a process expected to take 2-4 years.
These politicians may have retailed for a price between $10 million and $100 million, depending on your region of the country and the size of your trust fund. While we cannot refund your purchase price, we are offering qualified customers a limited time coupon. If you act now and buy 2 politicians for the 2014 mid-term elections, you will receive one politician free (while supplies last). Political operators are standing by. Please have your credit card ready.
We apologize to our valued customers. Our politicians were subjected to the most thorough testing available, including dozens of debates, hundreds of fundraising dinners, and they withstood a barrage of anonymous You Tube attack ads. We fully expected these products to perform for you on November 6th. Rest assured our crack research and development think tank team is on the job, working to insure that your future politician purchases can walk and talk and promise impossible results with dignity, favorability and most of all, electability. We value your commitment to our inventory of fine candidates, and we will work overtime to fix this mistake.
Thank you for your business. We are committed to making sure your future politician purchases meet your expectations 100% of the time.