There’s lots going on in the Sherrier household this season. The only constant is constant change, some by choice and some by the natural order of things. This month, my oldest earned her driver’s license and we signed a contract to have our kitchen upgraded from Third World rustic to the late 1990s nouveau. There were times when I thought neither event would ever happen, but here I am.
As we signed the contract for the kitchen work, my mind drifted away from thoughts of stealing stereo equipment to sell on eBay to finance the project towards the concept of a contract to manage every change in life. Specifically, what would a contract with my kids look like?
Sherrier Child Rearing Contract Proposal:
Construction Proposal for Building Functional Adult from Existing Child
Parent will be referred to as “Contractor”
Child will be referred to as “Owner”
Statement of Work
Contractor agrees to:
- REMOVE AND DISPOSE OF existing Owner preconceptions of freedom, responsibility and work. Contractor will supply replacement concepts. Any teenage awkwardness must be removed by the Owner.
- REPAIR, EXTEND OR REALIGN ALL thinking to make sense in the “real” world, including basic concepts of money and dating relationships.
- INSTALL foundation for common sense (final common sense must be supplied by Owner).
- BRING Owner respect for elders and figures of authority up to code, or else.
- REPAIR any hereditary dental defects (limit up to age 18).
- RECLOTHE as required by size changes (changes in taste or fashion whims by the Owner not covered under this agreement).
- INSTALL thick skin to withstand lifetime risk of injured feelings and feelings of inadequacy (warranty not transferable to any future Spouse or Partner).
- OWNER TO SUPPLY effort and hard work (backtalk voids this clause).
- EDUCATION included in core academic subjects (Contractor may use subcontractors for math and science education). College priced separately and may require Owner contribution.
- LOVE supplied without conditions (LIKE cannot be guaranteed daily)
*** OPTIONAL UPGRADES***
- Good tasting food that retains a health benefit
- Adequate shelter with separate space for pouting or watching television without sibling interruption
- Christmas presents annually that meet minimum standards of practicality, affordability and style
- Birthday parties with non-family members at off-site locations
- Ride to the movies or friend’s houses (weekends at additional cost)
DRAW #1: CONTRACT DEPOSIT – Waived*
DRAW #2: DEMOLITION OF EXISTING STRUCTURE – Waived* (Contractor enjoys this part)
DRAW #3: EDUCATION INSTALL COMPLETE – Waived*
DRAW #4: FINAL WALK AWAY – Waived*
* = Owner will be required to clothe, house and change Contractor as needed after Contractor retires. At that time, payment will be due immediately and regularly.
- ALL LABOR IS WARRANTED FOR THE PERIOD OF ONE (1) YEAR FROM DATE OF COMPLETION (contract signee’s 18th birthday).
- PAYMENT of respect and admiration IS DUE ON DEMAND, or Contractor reserves the right to embarrass and harass Owner for all eternity.
- ALL SUBCONTRACTORS WILL ONLY TAKE JOB RELATED DIRECTION FROM THE GENERAL CONTRACTOR. Owner may not change any instructions without approval of the Contractor.
- ANY SUBSURFACE ISSUES THAT REQUIRE MORE TIME OR ADDITIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL COSTS WILL BE ADDRESSED IMMEDIATELY WITH THE CHILD BEFORE MOVING FORWARD WITH CONSTRUCTION.
- IN THE EVENT OWNER IS INJURED ON SITE WHILE PERFORMING CONTRACT RELATED WORK, THE OWNER WILL STILL ASSUME LIABILITY FOR THOSE INJURIES TO THE FULLEST EXTENT ALLOWED BY LAW.
- CHILD CARE TO BE COMPLETED IN ACCORDANCE WITH ALL LOCAL AND STATE REGULATIONS.
- ALL WASTE MATERIALS AND DEBRIS WILL BE REMOVED FROM THE JOB SITE BY THE OWNER WHEN ASKED.
- JOB SITE WILL BE LEFT IN A CLEAN AND ORDERLY MANNER AT THE END OF EACH WORKING DAY (failure to do so may void the contract AND RESULT IN STIFF PENALTIES).
- THE OWNER HAS THE RIGHT TO WITHDRAW FROM THIS AGREEMENT WITHIN 3 DAYS OF THE SIGNING OF THIS DOCUMENT OR WITHIN 3 DAYS OF BIRTH, WHCIHEVER COMES FIRST .
- THERE WILL BE A $100.00 RETURN CHECK FEE FOR ANY INSUFFICIENT FUNDS CHECK RETURNS
CHILD TO ADULT CONSTRUCTION COMPANY
VA CONTRACTOR LICENSE:
Kitchen remodel should go fine; child remodeling? We may have to call in extra contractors.