Thursday, May 31, 2012

Whisper Campaigns

The vetting of candidates is getting more thorough all the time. The press misses nothing.

Special to MSRP:

In a stunning development, Mitt Romney today addressed rumors that he was once the governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.  That he was once chief executive of this liberal enclave had been part of a whisper campaign in the press for years, but his public admission that the rumors exist was unexpected and sure to confound the horse race for the Presidency even further.

Romney has staked his candidacy on his successful business career, completely ignoring any experience or record within government.  He has positioned himself as the classic outsider ready to step in and shake up the status quo while painting government as “incompetent”.  The fact that he might have been a governor means that his personal narrative would need to include his record of public service.

The announcement came before his Las Vegas fundraising dinner with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich, and both men were not ready to accept this new “alleged” information.

“Records can be forged,” said Donald Trump.  “The media will do anything to besmirch Gov. Romney’s good name with salacious innuendo about some so-called government job.”

“It is fundamentally wrong,” chimed in Mr. Gingrich.

Not every Republican was ready to defend the party’s nominee.

“We always sensed that he was not one of us,” chastised professional agitator Sarah Palin.  “Massachusetts is not part of Real America, you betcha.  They force people to have health care there, and that makes me sick.”

Democratic consultants were certain that Romney hid his role in state government to avoid defending an abysmal record on job creation.  Romney has promoted himself as an expert at creating jobs during his Bain Capital career, although the word “jobs” does not appear in the mission or values statement of that venture firm.  During the 4 year term that Romney is rumored to have served, Massachusetts ranked 47th in job creation nationally and public debt rose.

“That’s not a problem, even if it was true.  The private sector creates jobs, not the government.  Can’t blame us for something we weren’t supposed to do in the first place,” defended Bryson Xavier Oxford III, Romney’s newest campaign strategist focused on inner city outreach.  When a follow up question was shouted asking how Romney would help create jobs as President if the government has no role or accountability in job creation, Oxford III railed against the “well-documented liberal media bias”.

Political consultants not affiliated with either campaign were not surprised that Romney might have kept his term as governor a secret from conservative primary voters.  The conventional wisdom held that he could have been embarrassed during the campaign by some of the results of his tenure, most notably his signature health care program.

“Everyone knows that once Romney was associated with RomneyCare, his standing among severe conservatives would plummet.  Sure, Massachusetts now has the lowest infant mortality rate in the nation, and sure, it ranks first in the percentage of women receiving prenatal care, and sure, it boasts the lowest rate of uninsured people in the country.  Sure, the residents of Massachusetts when polled favor the program in significant numbers.  One problem – it’s socialism, and we are against that red menace,” offered Karl Rove, an unaffiliated fair and balanced consultant.

The most damning statistic however does not relate to health care.  It has been alleged that thanks in part to Romney’s stewardship, per capita income in the state was 2nd highest in the country and the wealth gap between rich and poor children was the smallest in the nation.  “How can Romney win if he can be defined by the opposition as a radical redistributionist of wealth?” moaned Oxford III. 

In other news, it is rumored that Barack Obama, after consulting with Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright in the 1990s, actually served as President of the United States for the past 3 years.  Sources have yet to confirm or deny this latest rumor, but David Axlerod, Obama’s chief campaign strategist, said unequivocally that these kinds of distractions are taking away from Obama’s life affirming mantra of “hope and change”, and he vowed to remain on message until mid-November. 

Significantly, Mr. Axlerod made no such assurance about Joe Biden.

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