Friday, May 18, 2012

A June Wedding

With all this talk about gay marriage in the politisphere, one particular marriage of recent vintage is getting overlooked.  I am referring to the arranged marriage of Mitt Romney and Congressional Republicans.  The Establishment Fathers demanded this union with a shotgun full of cash, and what the Fathers want, the Fathers get.    

Once Romney earned the nomination, he became bridegroom to the existing Republican Congressional leadership.  Their accomplishments (or lack thereof) and their general hysteria on a wide range of issues are his new platform.  The GOP leadership for its part is willing to overlook any of their new political spouse’s shortcomings because as we all know, this Massachusetts mate comes with a heck of a dowry.  Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

This recent open letter from John Boehner to the nation spells out what Romney has vowed to love, honor and obey.   Its contents should provide fodder for one hell of a toast at the reception.

An Open Letter from House Speaker Boehner on the Accomplishments of the 112th Congress
June 2, 2012

Dear Fellow Americans and Democrats:

Now that Campaign Season 2012 is upon us, it’s time to look back and bask in the glory of our legislative accomplishments.  You voted for us to take action and we did.  In our first 2 years in power, we:   
  • Repealed the Kennedy Center Honor given to Barbra Streisand in 2008.
  • Renamed California “New Reagan”. (HR 1984, approved by voice vote)
  • Defined personhood in the law as beginning with “the twinkle in your father’s eye.” (HR 1973, sponsored by Michele Bachmann)
  • Significantly reduced the red tape associated with Medicare and Medicaid benefits by eliminating many of these program payments.
  • Privatized the Food and Drug Administration (“If a company produces food that kills the consumer, that company will not be in business for long – the survivors will take their food purchasing power elsewhere.  That, my friends, is the market at work!”  Rep. Paul Ryan, during the memorable floor debate.)
  • Required that activist judges wear a scarlet letter “A” on their robes during public hearings.
  • Added the first 5 of the Ten Commandments to the Constitution (unfortunately, we couldn’t get the second 5 Commandments out of Rep. David Vitter’s committee).
  • Lowered the tax rate for individual earners making over $500,000 per year to 0%. “These are the small business professionals, the entrepreneurs, the plumbers who took the risks to create jobs in this country.  They deserve the reward and the incentive to continue their pro-growth ways.  Anything more would be anti-success.” - Rep. Mike Pence
  • Designated the months of March through December as White History Months.
  • Voted to send the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution back to the states for one more vote, just to be clear.
  • Repealed DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) in a demonstration of bipartisanship, and replaced with “Let Me Be Frank with You”, named after outgoing Rep. Barney Frank.  The new regulations allow openly gay individuals to serve their country with honor, assuming they agree not to make eye contact with fellow soldier and only participate in peace-keeping assignments.
  • Defunded the National Endowment for the Arts, and reallocated funding to where the money can work for the middle class - the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.
  • Made self-deportation easier for illegal immigrants by empowering the local authorities to supply suspicious looking individuals with maps and other ‘incentives’ to leave the country.
And our signature achievement: Construction of a border fence along our Southern and Northern borders has been completed.  The fences are 15 feet high, topped with barbed wire and fully electrified, guaranteed to keep out global warming from the south, and global cooling from the north.

The deficit continues to rise, unemployment remains dangerously high, and spending has grown these past 3 years, but we will not take the low road and blame President Obama and his Socialist agenda for destroying the very foundation of capitalism and freedom and replacing it with his version of Sharia law.  While we fully recognize that economic conditions in this country are still below our lofty expectations, we also acknowledge that things will continue to deteriorate until the GOP has control of the Senate, White House, Supreme Court, and quite possibly Mexico.  We can say with pride, “We took your country back", just like you asked. 

We look forward to more political power in the future so we can to help you, the little people who do all the work in our great nation, do more for yourselves while we help ourselves.  We call that individual responsibility.

That's America to us.  Thank you for giving us your votes, and your freedom.


John Boehner
Speaker of the House of Representative

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Now if Mitt Romney can’t win with this kind of a legislative record to stand on, there could be an ugly divorce in November.  If the marriage goes south, I wonder who gets the House…

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