In political parlance, it is time for the quadrennial Endorsement
Dance of Hypocrisy. Once one candidate
has been all but certified as the party nominee, the vanquished warriors, the
Also-Rans, must disavow every attack and every suggestion that the campaign
victor is weak, immoral, untrustworthy, or worse, unelectable. This was easier in the BYT days (Before You
Tube).
“When I said that Mitt
Romney was the least conservative candidate in the field and that his election
would be as bad as reelecting Barack Obama, those remarks were taken out of
context.”
“I never said he was a
Massachusetts
moderate. I said he was a Massachusetts
‘moderator’ – he moderated the state’s excessive liberal leanings with his
sound and competent conservative management.”
“I might have
derisively referred to the Massachusetts
health plan as ‘Romneycare’ in the heat of battle, but now I realize that
‘Romney Cares’….about the little people.”
“I once strapped my
dog to the roof of my car. Everybody
does it. No big deal.”
“I personally like
him. I’d love to have a beer with him.”
Everybody does it.
Ted Kennedy stood up at the Democratic Convention in 1980 and assured
the nation that Jimmy Carter, the man whose career he spent 6 months
destroying, was THE best man to captain the country for 4 more years. Paul Tsongas changed his mind about Clinton and told us that
‘slick’ was actually better than ‘competence’.
John McCain swallowed his pride and endorsed the man whose campaign
allowed rumors that McCain’s adopted daughter was actually a love child from an
interracial affair to fester and metastasize.
There is no shame in selling your soul when “everybody does it”.
It is a painful dance, but one the public accepts without so
much as a whimper of protest. Ho
hum. After all, deep down we knew they
were lying about the other candidate during the debates and the town halls. Expecting the truth in a heated political
battle is the original bridge to nowhere.
Not all, but many reluctant endorsers do the dance in
exchange for future benefits. George
H.W. Bush rethought his position on Reagan’s “voodoo economics” and decided
that when offered the Vice Presidency, trickle down theory made more empirical
sense. Hillary Clinton demanded
assistance in retiring her campaign debt before reneging on her 3 AM phone call
advertising slam. It should then come as
no surprise that the multitude of former candidates for the 2012 GOP nomination
should get something in exchange for their public displays of affection for
Romney and his various amorphous positions on the issues.
This year, it’s Cabinet-level positions that are being
dangled in front of the eyes of the fallen.
Of course, to please the base and to allow the endorsers some
maneuvering room to argue with a straight face that their flip flop towards
Romney is principled not self-aggrandizing, the current Cabinet jobs and
departmental missions required some minor adjustments.
Here are the offers on the table:
Rick Perry, Secretary
of the Department of Self-Defense:
Described to the Texas
governor as slightly less prestigious than the SecDef role, this new job will demand
a quick trigger finger on executive orders that expand the rights of gun
owners. Perry’s first assignment will be
to reinforce Stand Your Ground laws nationally by allowing justifiable homicide
in all states below the Mason-Dixon, a modern interpretation of the Missouri
Compromise that worked out so well for the country.
Michelle Bachmann,
Secretary of the Department of Homeland Insecurity: After a careful study of prior Republican
administrations, the Romney people saw a need for a single spokesperson to drum
up fear and feelings of insecurity in the general population. When the people are scared and unsure, it
looks to Republican ‘strength’ to protect it, regardless of the impact of those
policies on the national well-being.
This job calls for weekly announcements about non-specific terrorist
threats from foreigners, mysterious outbreaks of illness that might be caused
by alternative energy sources, and warnings about walkers coming alive to eat
your brains.
Herman Cain,
Secretary of the Department of Selling Stuff (formerly Commerce): This is a perfect role for the man who once
said privately to Romney, “If you wanna dance, you gotta pay the band. If you want my endorsement, you gotta pay the
man.” Cain has also insisted that he
conduct all subordinate position interviews personally in a setting that allows
for privacy and discretion.
Ron Paul, Secretary
of Department of Golden Treasury:
This newly named department reflects a move to the gold standard long
supported by Paul, and reminds him of the Golden Treasury book series, a collection
of children’s literature that emphasizes the good ol’ days when kids rarely got
sick and everyone had a friendly doctor down the street who accepted payment
for services in trade.
Jon Huntsman, Body
Double: At a quick glance, it could
be hard to tell the two apart in a crowd, and this would give Huntsman an
important part in Romney’s physical security and regular access to some of the
perks of the job. It also benefits
Romney in a more obvious way.
Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are not inclined to dance
for Romney quite yet. First, their
financial and egotistical demands must be met.
Once proper tribute has been received from Mitt and his people, they’ll
come around. They always do. Here are the Cabinet carrots for these
gentlemen:
Rick Santorum,
Secretary of the Department of Home Education: What better way to get the federal government
out of the business of insuring an educated populace and workforce than
shifting that burden back to parents?
After all, who best to explain quadratic equations and quantum physics
than Mom and Dad? The Founders learned
at home, and that should be good enough for the 99% in a Romney administration.
Newt Gingrich,
Secretary of the Department of State:
The grueling requirements of the SecState job got Hillary out of
Barack’s hair for 3 years. Maybe it will
get Newt off of Mitt’s back. The Romneys
considered giving him Secretary of Child Labor but opted for Newt to spend 320
days each year outside the country touring global hot spots instead.
Yup, it’s all falling into place now.
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