For years, I
thought that commencement was synonymous with the end. After all, commencement occurred at the end
of a segment of schooling. When high
school ended, you went to commencement exercises. When college ended, you had commencement
ceremonies. I am certain that on the
English section of my SATs, I answered the question “Orientation is to
beginning as Commencement is to…” with letter B for “Ending”.
I was wrong. Commencement apparently marks the beginning,
and for thousands of college students this month, commencement marks the
beginning of being pandered to by politicians of all stripes. The old guard, the young guns, the senior
statesmen and the radical revisionists all line up to receive their phony honorary
degrees and troll for votes from that part of the voting age population least
likely to actually pull the lever. They
might be better served speaking to a class of 3rd graders during
career day for all the votes they’ll earn, but college commencement speeches do
offer free media coverage and the chance to pretend to be smart, if only for a
few hours.
Here are some of
my favorite excerpts from recent commencement addresses (plucked from my vivid
imagination):
“In conclusion,
graduates, I offer you the best advice my daddy ever gave to me – stay in
school, Rick. You need it.” – Gov. Rick
Perry, addressing the graduates of Texas Christian University
“You snobs.” – Despondent
Rick Santorum, addressing the graduates of West Point
“Do you know the
difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?” – Carnival barker Sarah Palin,
addressing the graduates of Franklin Pierce Day School
“OMG.” – Presumptive
nominee Mitt Romney, addressing the graduates of Liberty University
“I would like to
apologize to you on behalf of the United States for the miserable Bush economy
that makes your post-graduation job prospects so dim.” – President Barack
Obama, addressing the graduates of Soros Community College
“I learned on the
campaign trail a valuable lesson that you graduates already know – never drop
out if you want to succeed.” – Living fossil Ron Paul, addressing his immediate
family at their annual reunion picnic and potato sack race
“I would like to
thank you for this honorary degree. I
hope I earned it. I’ll be coming back
down this way again as often as possible, at least until Hillary is off the
road.” – Player Bill Clinton, addressing the graduates of Beaver College
“Is it getting
warm in here?” – Media mogul Al Gore, addressing the graduates of Cal Tech
“Never stop
working hard, or else some overqualified 10 year old with a scrub brush will
take your job, you lazy rabble.” – Historian Newt Gingrich, addressing
graduates at NYU
“Congratulations,
graduates. You should never be ashamed
of your Harvard education, and you should affix it as a badge of prestige on
every job application you ever complete.” – Mitt Romney, addressing the
graduates of Yale
“I fondly
remember my college years at Delaware, and my only regret was that I never lost
the Freshman 150 I gained after a few too many helpings of those delicious
cheesy spinach squares in the Russell Dining Hall. I am such a numb nuts.” – Gov. Chris
Christie, addressing graduates at his alma mater, the University of Delaware
“Hey, did I ever
tell you the story of that toga party at Lane Hall my Junior year? Caesar had nothing on me. Epic!” – Vice President Joe Biden, addressing
the graduates of Scranton College of Liberal Arts and Administration
“If you take one
thing away from this address, remember – 9-9-9.
Multiplied together, that represents the 729 months that it will take to
complete your student loan repayment.” – Herman Cain,
addressing the graduates of MIT
"Make no mistake about it,
you are dumb. You’re a group of
incredibly well-educated dumb people. I
was there. We all were there. You’re barely functional. There are some screw-ups headed your way. I wish I could tell you that there was a trick
to avoiding the screw-ups, but the screw-ups, they’re a-coming for ya. It’s a combination of life being
unpredictable, and you being super dumb." – Screen writer
Aaron Sorkin, addressing the graduates of Syracuse University (OK, this one is
real. I hope the grads were listening.)
After reviewing
these, I think commencement means the beginning of the end.
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