Save the Yankees

The New York Yankees are not immune to losses.  Like every other team in Major League Baseball, they win some and they lose some.  Even rabid Yankee fans can accept that 162-0 during a regular season is unattainable (although preferred).  Fans will be surprised to learn that the NY Yankee organization, however, has managed to put a hard cap on their total amount of potential losses.  They did not accomplish this by thumbing their nose at the luxury tax on player salaries.  They did it in cooperation with the federal government and at the expense of the fans.

In July, Yankee Stadium became the first sports facility to earn the coveted federal "Safety Act" designation. That means the facility has passed a battery of tests and won approval from the Department of Homeland Security, so the Yankees have been granted a wide-ranging immunity from future lawsuits that might stem from terrorist attacks (and I don’t mean stolen bases).  Fans may lose a chance to see future games but the Yankees financial empire will remain intact.

In English, this designation means that fans in attendance that may lose their lives at the hands of a terrorist act will have difficulty suing the club for damages.  Massive tort reform has now been reduced to the disclaimer on the back of your game day ticket stub.  Beware of batted balls and dirty bombs.  All rights reserved.  Void when prohibited.

New ticket stub disclaimer draft language: We are not responsible for injuries sustained from batted balls, flying objects from the field of play, or any other act that we determine can be classified as a terrorist act, including but not limited to players entering the stands to kick your ass, Joe Girardi insulting your family during a post-game tirade, or Alex Rodriguez dating your teenage daughter.

The Safety (SAFETY = Support Anti-Terrorism by Fostering Effective Technologies) Act was part of the Homeland Security creation bill passed after 9/11.  The goal was admirable.  It was intended to provide some financial protection for companies that were inventing new safety technologies.  For example, say your company invented a way to identify an explosive being brought through a train station with 99.9% effectiveness.  Unfortunately, the 0.1% got through and a terrorist act was committed.  If this company had applied and received acceptance under the Safety Act, they could not then be sued out of existence (unless the survivors can prove fraud or intentional malice, a fairly high bar).  The Safety Act theoretically gave cost certainty to innovative companies and an incentive to experiment.

The Act itself was not originally designed for sports venues, but that doesn’t mean that forward-thinking franchises like the New York Yankees can’t adapt its language and purpose for its own protection.  It’s instant tort reform since the definition of a “terrorist act” is left vague in the law. 

Since Yankee Stadium is now on the list of Safety Act accredited businesses, we can be assured of two things.  First, the venue takes security very seriously, and you are probably safer because of the designation.  The application screening process is very rigorous, like a strip search at LaGuardia rigorous.  (Disclaimer – this designation will not protect any fan of an opposing team from having a beer poured on his head and being tossed headlong off the upper deck.)  Second, it means that the prices you pay for beer and hot dogs will be reduced as the team passes the savings on to you.

Not.

The intention of the law was to protect the creators of new technologies.  This protection would encourage the growth of innovations that would help make us safer.  The law is beginning to become a catch all for any company looking to limit liability with the Safety Act official “get out of jail free” card.

Liability claims from terrorist acts can be expensive.  A report by the European Organisation for Security states that $40 billion was paid out by insurers after the 9/11 attacks.  That is the equivalent of 2 seasons of the Yankees player payroll, so you can see why the team needed this protection.  If God forbid there was an attack at the stadium and fans sued the team, they would no longer have the cash to sign Stephen Strasburg in 5 years or Josh Hamilton this off season.  Devastating. 

The Safety Act sounds like a good idea, and innovative companies need some protection in order to grow.  The Yankees might be uncovering what happens when good laws are stretched to their limits.  I’m glad the stadium is considered a safe place, excluding the foul language you are bound to hear.  I am not glad that fans have little or no recourse legally if the club is negligent in its protection.

From the DHS website section on the Safety Act:

"New York Yankees d/b/a The New York Yankees Baseball Club provides The New York Yankees Security Program.  The Technology is a comprehensive integrated security system, which is comprised of physical and electronic security measures, tools and procedures designed to detect, deter, prevent, respond to and mitigate Acts of Terrorism at Yankee Stadium during Game Day, Non-Game Day (In-Season), Non-Season and Special Events."

Unfortunately, the team can still lose in the playoffs with an aging line up of hitters and an injury-prone pitching staff.  There is no federal protection for that.

Boston fans, that’s the only good news I have for you.

 

Conversion Therapy

Weather Cancels GOP Convention Day; Atheists Credit God

Special to MSRP

The Republican National Committee has announced that the opening day quadrennial celebration of extreme far right conservative values has been postponed, and the postponement has caused a number of atheists and LGBT community members to rethinking their long-standing position on the existence of a Higher Power.

Maybe there is a God.

As Hurricane Isaac is bearing down on Tampa, Florida to deliver a wet blow to thousands of GOP conventioneers, the Republican National Committee had no choice but to cancel the first day of the convention for the safety of their corporate image.  All attendees with the exception of the Ron Paul delegation were urged to seek secure shelter for the duration of the storm. 

In 2008, the opening day of the GOP National Convention was postponed because of another hurricane, that one aimed squarely at Texas.  While the 2008 convention was located in Minneapolis far from potential storm danger, the GOP feared that images of Republicans celebrating while Texans drowned would be perceived as “insensitive”, a perception the party tries to avoid whenever possible.  In addition, organizers feared that the public would be reminded of the GOP’s historic ineptitude in handling natural disasters.  The party is rightly blamed for its botched response to the Katrina tragedy in 2006, and could not afford any more “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie” jokes at their expense.

Since this is the second consecutive national GOP convention to be delayed by the force of nature, some are arguing that God is angry with the positions of the party leading into the 2012 election.  The self-described atheists and assorted heathens that now credit God for His intervention specifically cite the Republicans’ stance on the poor, taxes, education, health care, foreign policy, the debt, immigration and minorities as obvious reasons that God would seek to punish them with a hurricane.

“Look, I’ll admit that once in a while, I have said a silent prayer that God would smite the Republicans,” said Lucifer Damien McShay III, founder of Non-Believers.org, an organization dedicated to godlessness, human fulfillment, and environmental concerns.  “I thought it was harmless, like using a Ouija board or burning a witch.  Now hurricanes have disrupted the Republican orgy of money and lies and hate for a second time, so maybe religious conservatives are right.  Maybe there is something to this “Higher Power” stuff.  Way to go, God Person!  You rock!”

Members of the LGBT community are also converting in record numbers, believing that the hand of God is at work in Florida fighting extremism disguised as “bold solutions”.

“The Religious Right blamed Katrina on gays and non-believers; they blamed 9/11 on gays and non-believers,” argued Lucy Values, CEO of LoveBrokers.com. 

Now, she says, the tables have turned.

“This (Hurricane Isaac) is God’s clear message to those who would invoke His name after tragedies that the ones He really hates are the Republicans.  You can’t argue with Mother Nature.”

Values then whispered piously, “Now that I know God exists and hears our prayers, we are starting a prayer circle dedicated to one goal.  Please, God, let there be perfect weather on November 6^th so turnout is massive in all parts of the country.”

“Vote suppression is the work of Satan, you know.”

The new-found believe in God by atheists and members of the LGBT community is expected to end once the convention is reconvened Tuesday.

A Parting Moon Shot

Statement from President Barack Obama on the death of Neil Armstrong:

Today we mourn the passing of a great American, Neil Armstrong.  The thoughts and prayers of the First Family go out to his family on this sad day.

Neil Armstrong was loved by his family, and his family included all Americans whose dreams were fulfilled by his footsteps on the moon 43 years ago.  He achieved our national goal of reaching the moon by the end of the 1960s with the help of thousands of NASA scientists, engineers and pioneers in space who went before him, and that extended family is grieving today the loss of one of their own.  

On his historic journey to the moon, he didn’t fly there by himself.  He was helped along on the wings of our prayers and the hopes of a generation.  On this final voyage home to the heavens, may our prayers provide the wind at his back. 
 
Through his strength, perseverance and courage he reached his ultimate dream.  May we be inspired by his example and remember what we as a nation can accomplish together.  Godspeed, Neil Armstrong.

The Romney campaign was quick to denounce the President’s statement:

The President today insulted the memory of Neil Armstrong.  Today, he said that Neil Armstrong didn’t fly to the moon by himself.  “He didn’t fly there” in his spaceship into the stars, land safely on the moon and return.  No, the President took this sad occasion to redistribute the credit for Armstrong’s signature individual achievement to others, others who did not take the risks, others who did not complete the rigorous training, and others who sat in Houston while Armstrong did the work.

For shame, Mr. President, for exploiting his death for your own agenda.  If you agree, please contribute what you can at MittRomney.com.

Vice President Joe Biden also released a statement via Twitter mourning Neil Armstrong’s passing:    

Jill and I were saddened to hear of Neil Armstrong’s passing.  His Tour de France victories inspired us all.  Remember kids, don’t do steroids.

There is nothing sacred during a presidential campaign.

The Head Case

Judge Tom Head of Lubbock County, Texas, has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that he has nothing inside of his head.  That’s what makes him dangerous.  It is not completely his fault however.  While the inside of his skull may be a vacuous void, his ideas did not develop in a vacuous void.  His ideas were given safe haven in the world of gun rights absolutism and 2^nd Amendment hero worship.

Judge Head oversees emergency management in Lubbock, and during an interview on a CNN affiliate in Texas, he assured listeners that he was ready for anything, especially the worst disaster of all – the reelection of President Obama. 

"In this political climate and financial climate, what is the very worst thing that could happen right now? Obama gets back in the White House. No. God forbid," he told the interviewer.  A hurricane or a tornado came in a distant second. 

That’s his opinion to which he is entitled, but then he had to let out the full crazy for all to see:

“(Obama will) try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public's going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war. ... I'm not talking just talking riots here and there. I'm talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever."

Rest easy, citizens.  Judge Head(less) is on the border manning a post.  He thinks we want him on that wall, and that we need him on that wall:

Head vowed to personally stand "in front of their personnel carriers and say, 'You're not coming in here.' And I've asked the sheriff. I said, 'Are you going to back me on this?' And he said, 'Yeah, I'm going to back you.' Well, I don't want a bunch of rookies back there who have no training and little equipment. I want seasoned veteran people who are trained that have got equipment. And even then, you know we may have two or three hundred deputies facing maybe a thousand U.N. troops. We may have to call out the militia."

If this nut believes that he has the right to take up arms against the government to protect himself from perceived infringements on his rights, he has company in the statehouse.  Governor Rick Perry would never dissuade the judge or his ideological followers from their rants or from their generous gun store shopping sprees.  That might cost him their votes.

In 2010, Perry told an interviewer in response to a question about possible Texas secession from the United States:

“Texas is a unique place. When we came in the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that.  You know, my hope is that America and Washington in particular pays attention. We’ve got a great union. There is absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what may come out of that? But Texas is a very unique place and we’re a pretty independent lot to boot.”

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Judge Head.  Let’s leave that threat of civil war out there, just in case, to keep ‘em honest.

These imagination revolutions, once they become real, involve actual guns and lots of them.  That suits the purposes of the NRA just fine.  More gun owners mean more gun sales and more NRA lifetime memberships.  All you need is a little paranoia to prime the financial pump.

Grand Wizard of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, believes that Obama’s lack of action on gun control during his first term is a ruse.  If re-elected, that’s when he’ll feel safe to take everyone’s guns away, LaPierre argues without a hint of comic timing. 

Other GOP leaders are in on the fun.  Governor Rick Scott of Florida appealed a court ruling that blocked a law prohibiting doctors from asking patients about guns under his newfound worship of ‘privacy’.  Doctors typically discuss a patient’s lifestyle during consultations, including any risky behaviors that could cause harm such as household chemicals, swimming pools, drugs, alcohol, tobacco and firearms.  Supporters of the law thought that the questions could discourage gun sales and ownership.  In the world of gun rights absolutism, even doctor-patient confidentiality is a government trick to locate and take away your guns.      

Outside of the doctor’s office, we are not allowed to talk about guns at all since it is never “the right time.”  Talking gun restrictions after a shooting tragedy is poor manners.  I assume that talking about more life boats after the Titanic sank was off limits too, and viewed as exploitation of a freak accident to promote a radical safety agenda.

The NRA and its elected minions have taken reasonable public discourse on gun rights in this country hostage, and demanded unconditional surrender without hope of freeing the discussion.  Actually, it might be worse than that.  They may have steered the discussion away from gun control and towards armed revolt against authority figures with whom they disagree.

I read this clip on Washington Monthly.com, and it neatly sums downside of gun rights absolutism:

When you boil it down to its nasty essentials, this Second Amendment absolutism is based on the argument that “patriots” need to remain heavily armed in case they decide it’s necessary to undertake the violent overthrow of the United States government. When rapper/actor Ice-T recently said Americans need guns in case they needed to shoot a cop in self-defense, he was articulating the very same principle in a particularly unguarded way.

I wonder if Judge Head, Rick Perry, Wayne LaPierre and Rick Scott would agree with Ice-T.  Sounds like Judge Head is in lock step.

Ice Cream Dreams and Champagne Wishes

After a recent dinner date with my wife, we ended the evening the way millions of married couples end a night of food, drink and kid-free conversation.  We went to the grocery store.  Nothing provides a happy ending to a date more than a stroll up and down the aisle of your favorite chain supermarket.  My cheeks are flush just thinking about it.

Since this was a date, we spared no expense and went to the Cadillac of local grocery stores, Wegmans.  There, we gazed lovingly at the wide variety of fresh fruits and vegetables (“I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?” – Eric Stratton to Mrs. Marion Wormer, Animal House, 1978).  We soaked in the romantic aroma of overpriced floral arrangements and drowned in the stench of overscented bath supplies, all while swaying to Muzak versions of The Doors greatest ballads.  Ah, old married love, ‘tis smell is sweet. 

We wandered into the frozen food aisle, and being a hopeless romantic, or maybe just hopeless, I suggested we buy some ice cream for the kids.  Besides, we might have a coupon.  Also, a vat of ice cream from Wegmans is a lot cheaper than a slice of key lime pie at any fancy restaurant. 

Behind the foggy glass doors, between the 5 gallon tubs of orange sherbet and the 12 pack Dove brand ice cream sandwiches, I spied some private label treats that I had not seen before.  The carton designs and color schemes looked familiar.  They had sports team branded ice cream from Turkey Hill.

They sold Bronx Bomber Sundae and Pinstripe Brownie Blast to honor the Evil Empire from New York.  Blitzburgh Crunch in Steelers Terrible black and yellow was wedged in between the Phillies Batter Up and the Phillies Graham Slam half gallons.  This was cross promotional marketing gone wild.  Athletics and ice cream, like sports and competitive eating, shouldn’t go together. 

This was not the biggest problem for me.  Out of market sports franchises were being marketed and sold to Washington area fans.  I was devastated.

The thrill of the date denouement was shriveling.  I knew in my head that DC was not a sports town.  The last championship parade was held here in 1993 (DC United soccer does not count).  The Wizards stink.  Pro baseball was absent for 37 seasons before returning by default in 2005.  Lord Stanley’s Cup has not runeth over on the streets of DC since the inception of the Caps franchise in 1974.  In football, we own Daniel Snyder – enough said.  

I understand why the ice cream vendors of America have disrespected us. It’s pure economics.  Our team jerseys don’t sell, so how could the area fans of local teams be expected to buy brand specific ice cream?

In my heart, however, I knew this was unfair and frankly, insulting.  The Redskins, while unwatchable for close to 20 years, still have a loyal fan base (that does not include me).  Couldn’t they have test marketed some Hogs Heavenly Hash or Redskins Rum Raisin?

Where’s the Nationals Nutter Butter?  Or the Nats Nutberry Cream or the Strasburg Iceberg Smoothie.  Zimmerman Triple Play Neopolitan?  The team has the best record in baseball; least number of runs allowed in baseball; best road record in baseball…6 ½ game lead in a division that was projected to be a fight between the Phillies, Marlins, and Braves.  The Nationals have a legitimate chance to…I can’t say it.  That could jinx it and I cannot be held responsible.

Where’s the love, Turkey Hill?  Where’s our ice cream?  I scream, you scream, now we all need to scream for our Washington Nationals signature series ICE CREAM!

Forcible Withdrawal

Ever since John the Baptist lost his head proclaiming the Good News, killing the messenger has been a knee jerk response from those in power to any report of news they did not want.  Look what happened to those poor Stormtroopers who updated Darth Vader on the movements of the rebel forces.  The Mayans brought us the bad news that the world was coming to an end, and if you haven’t noticed, there aren’t many Mayans running around these days.  The messengers are convenient targets, but killing them never changes the underlying truths.  Just distracts us so we feel better temporarily, at least until the end of the world. 

No group has perfected the kill the messenger meme better than the modern day Republican Party.  For the Grand Old Party, the messenger that it victimizes time and again is the “Media”, specifically the Liberal Media.  The media reports bad news for the party, and therefore the bad news is the media’s fault.  Off with their talking heads!  Regardless of the veracity of the information, regardless of its factual basis, the response to bad news is that the media caused the bad news.

For example, Mitt Romney uses the media as an excuse not to discuss policy specifics or potential budget cuts in advance of Election Day.  The media might deliver a message that he does not like.  His secrecy about his bundlers, his executive records from Massachusetts, and his taxes are the media’s fault.  Sadly, this strategy seems to work so there is no end in sight to the approach.

The latest hero of the Democratic Party, confused yet stubborn Republican Senate candidate Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri, has taken the kill the messenger approach to new and historically dishonest heights, proving that the size of your balls can be as big as your imagination can dream them.  Rep. Akin is claiming to his supporters via Twitter that the liberal media is behind the drive to push him out of the Senate race.

The media reports the bad news about his candidacy and the words that come out of his mouth; the media must be to blame for creating the bad news about his candidacy.  Ballsy.

As a quick refresher, Akin stated last week that victims of “legitimate rape” could not become pregnant as a result of the attack.  He contended that the female body had the ability to recognize the subtle distinction between a legitimate rape and an illegitimate rape, and spontaneously reject the sperm of an illegitimate rapist.  He is the GOP Chairperson of the House Science Committee.  That’s not a joke (but he is).

Akin does not elaborate on his perceived difference between legitimate and illegitimate rape, but one can assume that he thinks the case of illegitimate rape occurs when the woman is asking for it based on her style of dress or general physical attractiveness.  This was the same guy who co-sponsored, along with VP candidate Paul Ryan, an amendment to redefine the rape exception in abortion laws with the adjective “forcible”.  Again, I can only assume that clarifying the word rape with the word “forcible” means that in Akin and Ryan’s worlds, there are non-forcible rapes that would no longer be considered under the exception.

If Akin has a definition of a non-forcible rape, I would love to hear it.  Then again, I don’t think I would.  If his opinion became public, that would be the media’s fault. 

Let’s look at his claim to his supporters that the liberal media is behind the drive to push him out of the Senate race.  His first lie is that he still has supporters.  When Sarah Palin bails on you, you no longer have supporters, and she bailed on him within days on Fox News.  A crazy politician without Palin support is just a crazy person.

In Akin-Land, these prominent figures that have called for his withdrawal from the Missouri Senate race:  Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Sarah Palin, Mark Levin.  Which one of those, Rep Akin, are under the umbrella of “Liberal Media”?

The list of non-supporters that have called for his forcible ouster include Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, and they are supposed to be severe, not like that Forgotten Republican, the compassionate George W. Bush.  None of these public figures belong to the Liberal Media Establishment.

This does not prevent Akin from trying to implant this idea in the minds of the people.  His obvious hope is that the memory of this incident will be flushed out of the political system within a month and that this episode will be remembered as a mere cramp in his campaign cycle. 
    
In essence, Akin has decided when it comes to the fall campaign, he’s just going to lie back and enjoy it.

In my mind, there are legitimate candidates and illegitimate candidates for the Senate of the United States.  I won’t explain the distinct here for fear the media establishment will twist my words, but suffice to say that I believe Rep. Todd Akin is an illegitimate representative for public office and should be forcibly withdrawn from consideration.

It is no one’s fault but his, so in his case, I guess I will blame the victim.  He brought it on himself.  Paid the price.  His fault.

Grading on a Curve

We have completed the endless summer of endless campaigning in time to begin the endless fall of endless campaigning.  The leaves may change but politics does not.  Through the oppressive summer heat which was either caused by man’s activities or a vengeful God, we endured political wars on success, woman, religion, chicken sandwiches, and Rep. Todd Akin.  The arrival of September never felt so good. 

We the victims of these conflicts have a short few weeks remaining before these wars are replaced by shiny new wars on freedom, the poor, transparency, or a vulnerable nation state in the Middle East, take your pick.  If you thought war was hell, you haven’t been through many Presidential campaigns.  It’s getting hot out there. 

There is one Big War that we know is about to be fought in America, and the first shots in my area will be fired on Tuesday, September 4^th: the War on Classes, and in this war, our school age children are the victims.  It’s Back to School Day in most of Real America and our kids will fight to stay home in bed.  It is the day that our children will be bused off for their 9 month indoctrination in such radical philosophies as the Pythagorean Theorem, Newton’s Laws, and Maslow’s Hierarchy.  When I went to school, studying this stuff was considered intelligent design.  Today, we know that two of those guys were from Europe and one from New Jersey, so we know they are closet socialists.   

  

Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, aka Thing One and Thing Two, would be well served to follow our children into the classrooms this fall, and take a few courses from our wealthy elitist union thug educators.  If the candidates can’t pass rudimentary elementary subjects, how can they expect to be accepted into the Electoral College of their choice, let alone graduate?  The Electoral College is highly selective, but I hear that it’s worth it for the gourmet campus dining halls and the unsupervised co-ed dormitories.

Here is the class schedule I recommend for the party standard bearers: 

Math:  Romney and Obama should both enroll in Arithmetic 101.  If Romney believes that $4 trillion more in tax cuts plus increased defense spending minus funding for the National Endowment for the Arts equals a balanced budget, I would recommend some remedial tutoring or prescription medication.  The President for his part has struggled with job numbers, but according to Fox News is reportedly pretty good with division.

Science:  Science could be a struggle for the former governor of Massachusetts.  There is an entire chapter on global climate change, and he has been taught that Fahrenheit was a liberal and Celsius was a Communist.  I’ll bet you $10,000 Romney would pay Paul Ryan to take the final for him.  The President could conduct a lab experiment for the Science Fair that demonstrates that oil interests are not soluble in the environmental lobby no matter how hard you stir, particularly in an election year.

History:  A good semester of history would benefit both candidates.  I am not sure that Mitt Romney is aware that George W. Bush was President from January 2001 to January 2009, or that Bush represented the same political party as he does.  Barack Obama needs an education about all of the radical 20^th century philosophers and villains that he is accused of mimicking.  If he is going to be accused of being a modern day Neville Chamberlain or Saul Alinsky acolyte, he should at least know who those guys were.

English:  We know that Romney can order dinner in 6 different languages, but he has not proven that he can be understood by non-NASCAR team owners in his native tongue.  Obama for his part could brush up on his elocution and lose that telltale Kenyan accent he uses when talking down to people.  This semester’s required reading for both students:  Catch 22, which could describe their feeling the day after being elected.

Foreign Language:  Both should be cramming for weekly quizzes in conversational Spanish.  If demographic trends continue, they’re going to need it. 

Physical Education:  Neither candidate needs to enroll in PE.  The entire enterprise is called “running” for office after all.  Romney could sign on to his running mate Paul Ryan’s P90X plan and Obama could take up running alongside his Vice President’s mouth.  Both regimens should provide plenty of exercise without the risk of being picked last for the class dodgeball game. 

 

I know it may seem odd for grown men to enroll in elementary school again (although Donald Trump has not personally witnessed Obama’s primary school transcript, so perhaps he never graduated), but it could be educational.  When the most common retort to a political adversary this season is “Oh yeah? Well so are you!”, it does not seem all that far-fetched that Romney and Obama head back to school.  I think we agree that it is time to raise educational standards, so let’s start at the top.

Of course, come November 6^th, we will be grading on a curve.