We have completed the endless summer of endless campaigning
in time to begin the endless fall of endless campaigning. The leaves may change but politics does
not. Through the oppressive summer heat
which was either caused by man’s activities or a vengeful God, we endured political
wars on success, woman, religion, chicken sandwiches, and Rep. Todd Akin. The arrival of September never felt so
good.
We the victims of these conflicts have a short few weeks
remaining before these wars are replaced by shiny new wars on freedom, the
poor, transparency, or a vulnerable nation state in the Middle East, take your
pick. If you thought war was hell, you
haven’t been through many Presidential campaigns. It’s getting hot out there.
There is one Big War that we know is about to be fought in America,
and the first shots in my area will be fired on Tuesday, September 4th:
the War on Classes, and in this war, our school age children are the
victims. It’s Back to School Day in most
of Real America and our kids will fight to stay home in bed. It is the day that our children will be bused
off for their 9 month indoctrination in such radical philosophies as the Pythagorean
Theorem, Newton’s
Laws, and Maslow’s Hierarchy. When I
went to school, studying this stuff was considered intelligent design. Today, we know that two of those guys were
from Europe and one from New Jersey,
so we know they are closet socialists.
Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, aka Thing One and Thing Two,
would be well served to follow our children into the classrooms this fall, and
take a few courses from our wealthy elitist union thug educators. If the candidates can’t pass rudimentary elementary
subjects, how can they expect to be accepted into the Electoral College of
their choice, let alone graduate? The
Electoral College is highly selective, but I hear that it’s worth it for the gourmet
campus dining halls and the unsupervised co-ed dormitories.
Here is the class schedule I recommend for the party
standard bearers:
Math: Romney and Obama should both enroll in Arithmetic
101. If Romney believes that $4 trillion
more in tax cuts plus increased defense spending minus funding for the National
Endowment for the Arts equals a balanced budget, I would recommend some
remedial tutoring or prescription medication.
The President for his part has struggled with job numbers, but according
to Fox News is reportedly pretty good with division.
Science: Science could be a struggle for the former
governor of Massachusetts. There is an entire chapter on global climate
change, and he has been taught that Fahrenheit was a liberal and Celsius was a
Communist. I’ll bet you $10,000 Romney
would pay Paul Ryan to take the final for him.
The President could conduct a lab experiment for the Science Fair that
demonstrates that oil interests are not soluble in the environmental lobby no
matter how hard you stir, particularly in an election year.
History: A good semester of history would benefit both
candidates. I am not sure that Mitt
Romney is aware that George W. Bush was President from January 2001 to January
2009, or that Bush represented the same political party as he does. Barack Obama needs an education about all of
the radical 20th century philosophers and villains that he is
accused of mimicking. If he is going to
be accused of being a modern day Neville Chamberlain or Saul Alinsky acolyte,
he should at least know who those guys were.
English: We know that Romney can order dinner in 6
different languages, but he has not proven that he can be understood by
non-NASCAR team owners in his native tongue.
Obama for his part could brush up on his elocution and lose that
telltale Kenyan accent he uses when talking down to people. This semester’s required reading for both
students: Catch 22, which could describe their feeling the day after being
elected.
Foreign Language: Both should be cramming for weekly quizzes in
conversational Spanish. If demographic
trends continue, they’re going to need it.
Physical Education: Neither candidate needs to enroll in PE. The entire enterprise is called “running” for
office after all. Romney could sign on
to his running mate Paul Ryan’s P90X plan and Obama could take up running
alongside his Vice President’s mouth.
Both regimens should provide plenty of exercise without the risk of
being picked last for the class dodgeball game.
I know it may seem odd for grown men to enroll in elementary
school again (although Donald Trump has not personally witnessed Obama’s primary
school transcript, so perhaps he never graduated), but it could be
educational. When the most common retort
to a political adversary this season is “Oh yeah? Well so are you!”, it does
not seem all that far-fetched that Romney and Obama head back to school. I think we agree that it is time to raise
educational standards, so let’s start at the top.
Of course, come November 6th, we will be grading
on a curve.
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