Monday, August 27, 2012

Conversion Therapy

Weather Cancels GOP Convention Day; Atheists Credit God
Special to MSRP

The Republican National Committee has announced that the opening day quadrennial celebration of extreme far right conservative values has been postponed, and the postponement has caused a number of atheists and LGBT community members to rethinking their long-standing position on the existence of a Higher Power.

Maybe there is a God.

As Hurricane Isaac is bearing down on Tampa, Florida to deliver a wet blow to thousands of GOP conventioneers, the Republican National Committee had no choice but to cancel the first day of the convention for the safety of their corporate image.  All attendees with the exception of the Ron Paul delegation were urged to seek secure shelter for the duration of the storm. 

In 2008, the opening day of the GOP National Convention was postponed because of another hurricane, that one aimed squarely at Texas.  While the 2008 convention was located in Minneapolis far from potential storm danger, the GOP feared that images of Republicans celebrating while Texans drowned would be perceived as “insensitive”, a perception the party tries to avoid whenever possible.  In addition, organizers feared that the public would be reminded of the GOP’s historic ineptitude in handling natural disasters.  The party is rightly blamed for its botched response to the Katrina tragedy in 2006, and could not afford any more “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie” jokes at their expense.

Since this is the second consecutive national GOP convention to be delayed by the force of nature, some are arguing that God is angry with the positions of the party leading into the 2012 election.  The self-described atheists and assorted heathens that now credit God for His intervention specifically cite the Republicans’ stance on the poor, taxes, education, health care, foreign policy, the debt, immigration and minorities as obvious reasons that God would seek to punish them with a hurricane.

“Look, I’ll admit that once in a while, I have said a silent prayer that God would smite the Republicans,” said Lucifer Damien McShay III, founder of, an organization dedicated to godlessness, human fulfillment, and environmental concerns.  “I thought it was harmless, like using a Ouija board or burning a witch.  Now hurricanes have disrupted the Republican orgy of money and lies and hate for a second time, so maybe religious conservatives are right.  Maybe there is something to this “Higher Power” stuff.  Way to go, God Person!  You rock!”

Members of the LGBT community are also converting in record numbers, believing that the hand of God is at work in Florida fighting extremism disguised as “bold solutions”.

“The Religious Right blamed Katrina on gays and non-believers; they blamed 9/11 on gays and non-believers,” argued Lucy Values, CEO of 

Now, she says, the tables have turned.

“This (Hurricane Isaac) is God’s clear message to those who would invoke His name after tragedies that the ones He really hates are the Republicans.  You can’t argue with Mother Nature.”

Values then whispered piously, “Now that I know God exists and hears our prayers, we are starting a prayer circle dedicated to one goal.  Please, God, let there be perfect weather on November 6th so turnout is massive in all parts of the country.”

“Vote suppression is the work of Satan, you know.”

The new-found believe in God by atheists and members of the LGBT community is expected to end once the convention is reconvened Tuesday.

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