The latest polling data from the National Weather Service
predicts that Hurricane Sandy currently has the momentum to win the campaign
for Biggest Weather Disaster Ever. The position
of Biggest Weather Disaster Ever has a 4 year term before the public chooses a
new, more recently remembered Weather Disaster.
The weather poll has a margin of error of plus/minus 10 feet
of storm surge.
Republicans immediately pounced on the news as
misrepresentative of the general weather trends of the last few weeks.
On Sunday, RNC Chairman, Reince Preibus, explained his
party’s prevailing point of view of the new numbers. “Stick your head out any window across the
South and Midwest. Yes, it’s cloudy and
we expected that so close to November.
But it’s dry outside and nothing in these polls changes that fact. When all the clouds of uncertainty have
dissipated, we fully expect sunshine will rule the day.”
Speaking on Meet the
Weather Press, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) reminded viewers that this is
another example of Republicans rejecting reality. “How many flooded basements, how many
overturned neighborhood trash cans, how many live remotes of Al Roker being
blown across the sand will it take before the Republicans accept the reality of
these statistical models? This storm has
the momentum and cannot be stopped, even by obstructionist Republicans with
their golf umbrellas.”
There have been scattered reports of rain and wind in some
swing districts, but these most recent polls from the national Weather Service
point to a dramatic shift in storm intensity these past few days. The increased intensity has every statement
from leaders being parsed and scrutinized for hidden messages designed to
advance their storm agenda. Even the
President’s call for citizens in the storm’s path to “don their rubbers” was twisted
into a call of support for unfettered access to contraception.
John Sunnununununu, Romney national Co-Chair, was unmoved by
the weather polls and put it this way.
“Meteorologists always favor the dark clouds. You can’t blame them for that.”
Democratic weather professionals cried foul, and pointed to Sunnununununu’s
comments as representative of a larger meme within the opposition party. Rep. Nancy Pelosi said, “If David Axlerod had
said that weather reporters over-reported white winter snow storms, we’d be
accused of dragging color into the race for Biggest Disaster. Frankly, Governor Romney and his racist
surrogate should apologize to those victims of storms.”
Sunnununununu did not back off his statement when challenged. “I feel like a broken record, but it is a
fact that these polls showing storm momentum oversample the coastal
regions. Of course the coastal regions
will flood the pollsters with their enthusiasm for big storms. We’ll see what happens on Tuesday. One side is bluffing, and we will soon know
who has the empty hand.”
Donald Trump agreed, and his opinion and hair were unmoved
by the blustery predictions. “If you dig
into these numbers, the projected death toll is well within the margin of
error. In some polls of nightly weather
forecasts, we’ve seen a flattening of the predicted death toll numbers, and
property damage figures support that trend.
You won’t hear about that in the mainstream media. I might add that we still do not know the
origin of this weather system yet, despite repeated requests. I want to get to the bottom of what these
meteorologists are hiding.”
Democrats across the affected regions could do nothing but
shake their heads. “It’s windy, it’s
rainy and voters are losing power by the thousands. When will the GOP wake up and smell the
standing water?”
Democrats like Gov. Martin O’Malley of Maryland contend that
their embrace of the storm is based in science and fact while the Republicans
are now so extreme that they can “deny a storm as the raindrops hit them on the
head.” O’Malley went a step further and
added that the polls confirm what everyone already knows – this will be a Big
Storm and mankind is to blame.
Republicans like Governor Robert McDonnell of Virginia
scoffed and countered that it is not settled science that storms are becoming
more violent and more frequent because of man’s activities. He argued that it could be that violent and
frequent storms are actually causing global climate change.
“Look, it’s just as likely that all these tornadoes,
hurricanes and blizzards are changing the climate with their fury. Correlation is not causation and fact is
fiction. We need more studies.”
One Republican voter, closely aligned to the weather
industry, summed it up this way. “If the
polls are correct and Hurricane Sandy becomes the Biggest Weather Disaster Ever
for the next 4 years, all hope will be lost.
We’ll start working right away to find a new storm to replace it though,
don’t you worry. There’s a new
Armageddon out there somewhere, and we’ll find it.”
**********************************************************************************
San Francisco Giants:
“Let Detroit Go Bankrupt”
In other news, the Detroit Tigers, whose bats were allowed
to go bankrupt, are requesting a recount of runs after being swept by the San
Francisco Giants in the World Series.
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