Monday, October 29, 2012

Red Storms and Blue Storms

The latest polling data from the National Weather Service predicts that Hurricane Sandy currently has the momentum to win the campaign for Biggest Weather Disaster Ever.  The position of Biggest Weather Disaster Ever has a 4 year term before the public chooses a new, more recently remembered Weather Disaster.

The weather poll has a margin of error of plus/minus 10 feet of storm surge.

Republicans immediately pounced on the news as misrepresentative of the general weather trends of the last few weeks.

On Sunday, RNC Chairman, Reince Preibus, explained his party’s prevailing point of view of the new numbers.  “Stick your head out any window across the South and Midwest.  Yes, it’s cloudy and we expected that so close to November.  But it’s dry outside and nothing in these polls changes that fact.  When all the clouds of uncertainty have dissipated, we fully expect sunshine will rule the day.”

Speaking on Meet the Weather Press, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) reminded viewers that this is another example of Republicans rejecting reality.  “How many flooded basements, how many overturned neighborhood trash cans, how many live remotes of Al Roker being blown across the sand will it take before the Republicans accept the reality of these statistical models?  This storm has the momentum and cannot be stopped, even by obstructionist Republicans with their golf umbrellas.”

There have been scattered reports of rain and wind in some swing districts, but these most recent polls from the national Weather Service point to a dramatic shift in storm intensity these past few days.  The increased intensity has every statement from leaders being parsed and scrutinized for hidden messages designed to advance their storm agenda.  Even the President’s call for citizens in the storm’s path to “don their rubbers” was twisted into a call of support for unfettered access to contraception.

John Sunnununununu, Romney national Co-Chair, was unmoved by the weather polls and put it this way.  “Meteorologists always favor the dark clouds.  You can’t blame them for that.”

Democratic weather professionals cried foul, and pointed to Sunnununununu’s comments as representative of a larger meme within the opposition party.  Rep. Nancy Pelosi said, “If David Axlerod had said that weather reporters over-reported white winter snow storms, we’d be accused of dragging color into the race for Biggest Disaster.  Frankly, Governor Romney and his racist surrogate should apologize to those victims of storms.”

Sunnununununu did not back off his statement when challenged.  “I feel like a broken record, but it is a fact that these polls showing storm momentum oversample the coastal regions.  Of course the coastal regions will flood the pollsters with their enthusiasm for big storms.  We’ll see what happens on Tuesday.  One side is bluffing, and we will soon know who has the empty hand.”

Donald Trump agreed, and his opinion and hair were unmoved by the blustery predictions.  “If you dig into these numbers, the projected death toll is well within the margin of error.  In some polls of nightly weather forecasts, we’ve seen a flattening of the predicted death toll numbers, and property damage figures support that trend.  You won’t hear about that in the mainstream media.  I might add that we still do not know the origin of this weather system yet, despite repeated requests.  I want to get to the bottom of what these meteorologists are hiding.”

Democrats across the affected regions could do nothing but shake their heads.  “It’s windy, it’s rainy and voters are losing power by the thousands.  When will the GOP wake up and smell the standing water?”

Democrats like Gov. Martin O’Malley of Maryland contend that their embrace of the storm is based in science and fact while the Republicans are now so extreme that they can “deny a storm as the raindrops hit them on the head.”  O’Malley went a step further and added that the polls confirm what everyone already knows – this will be a Big Storm and mankind is to blame.

Republicans like Governor Robert McDonnell of Virginia scoffed and countered that it is not settled science that storms are becoming more violent and more frequent because of man’s activities.  He argued that it could be that violent and frequent storms are actually causing global climate change.

“Look, it’s just as likely that all these tornadoes, hurricanes and blizzards are changing the climate with their fury.  Correlation is not causation and fact is fiction.  We need more studies.”

One Republican voter, closely aligned to the weather industry, summed it up this way.  “If the polls are correct and Hurricane Sandy becomes the Biggest Weather Disaster Ever for the next 4 years, all hope will be lost.  We’ll start working right away to find a new storm to replace it though, don’t you worry.  There’s a new Armageddon out there somewhere, and we’ll find it.”

San Francisco Giants: “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt”
In other news, the Detroit Tigers, whose bats were allowed to go bankrupt, are requesting a recount of runs after being swept by the San Francisco Giants in the World Series.

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