Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Forward Thinking

This is a draft version of something that could appear in print after Nov. 6th.  Just planning ahead: 

As you read this today, our long national Presidential campaign nightmare is either over for 2012 or has just begun for 2016, depending on your party affiliation or your susceptibility to coded campaign messages of fear.  We either have a new President or the same President, but either way, I am looking forward.  As I write this today, I do not know the winner, but there is no sense in waiting until the last minute to consider the 2016 field.

Like all the real junkies out there, this election ended for me right after Newt Gingrich suspended his campaign.  The laughter died on that day.  I have moved on to 2016 and it cannot start soon enough.  I anticipate binders filled with contenders for the nomination in both the Democratic and Republican Party primaries (more if Obama is coming to the end of a 2nd term).  All you need any more is name recognition, the cult of celebrity, and a billionaire gambling benefactor and you can be a credible option for Leader of the Free World.

There are some candidates that we can expect to run in 2016 regardless of who is President the next 4 years.  Biden will run.  Hillary will run.  Lyndon LaRouche, if he is alive and I don’t know if he is without checking Wikipedia, will run.  Ron Paul or one of his descendants will run.  Trump will tease that he is running all the way up until the ads are booked for the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice XXLVI: Lost in New York.  

So who are the candidates to watch for 2016?  And more importantly, how do I gauge their chances?

Tim Tebow:  He’s got everything.  He’s developed a base of support in the South (Florida), the West (Denver), and the Northest (New York).  He’s got matinee idol looks, a rabid evangelical fan base, and no public position on any issues beyond virginity.  He’s promoted his own lack of sexual experience so much that you could say he’s taken on a missionary role in favor of virginity.  His wildcat campaign will work for a few months until more experienced opponents learn how to defend against his offensive attacks.  I know he’s a winner, but on the national stage, he’s bound to fumble.

Bruce Springsteen:  The Baby Boomers love his music and his working class values, and they tend to be reliable voters every cycle.  You can’t win without the women’s vote, and women love his cute little tushie.  After years of arguing Obama’s citizenship status, no one will question The Boss’ birth certificate.  His commitment to diversity is the stuff of legend ever since “the change was made uptown and the Big Man joined the band”.  He’s a liberal with crossover appeal to the Reagan Democrats who love their American muscle cars.  If he won the nomination, you’d watch that convention, right?

Big Bird:  His campaign will take flight on the wings of his message regarding public financing of campaigns.  This yellow fowl has a history of working with disaffected poor angry men, like Oscar, as well as gay community advocates, like Bert and Ernie.  He should be able to dominate the world of social media since he was a pioneer in the art of tweeting.  In a crowded field of Presidential hopefuls, a candidate has to be able to stand above the fray during the endless televised debates, and who better than a 7 foot bird?  He will need to be prepared to answer questions about his gender identification.  No one is really sure at this point.

Yosemite Sam:  In the post Citizen’s United campaign world, we finally have the first 100% transparently corporately sponsored candidate.  Warner Brothers will re-introduce Sam to the 21st century nation as the “rootinist, tooninist, shootinist bob tailed wild cat in the west” who is ready to take on “any one of you lily livered bow legged varmits” who want the nomination.  He is anti-immigration, pro-gun lobby, and a logical successor choice to reignite the Rick Perry coalition.  His rallies are well attended by fans hoping to see Sam fire his guns at the ground and levitating himself for just a second.

Rick Perry:  The Texas governor will quickly realize that the field can only handle one cartoon character at a time, and will bow out before the race begins once Yosemite Sam grabs the mantle of heir apparent to the throne of misinformed Texan with national ambitions.

Kim Kardashian:  Once you’ve had sex on the Internet, no one can accuse you of a lack of transparency in your positions.  Fun-raising should not be a problem for her. 

Michelle Bachmann:  She’s not really running.  She’s just on a book tour disguised as a campaign…or a campaign disguised as a book tour.  It’s so hard to tell.

Fact Checkers:  Fact Checkers will run as a group under the misguided assumption that the public is hungry for realism and truth.  Fact Checkers will develop a small cult following, but with a slogan like “Our Pants Are Never On Fire”, they can only go so far in a serious political campaign.  Crossroads GPS will crush them with an avalanche of attack ads before the Facts gain any traction in the polls.

Hillary Clinton:  Well she sure as hell isn’t going to sit at home and baby sit Bill.

Hopefully the 2016 campaign ramps up soon.  Without any NHL hockey, things are going to be pretty slow around my house after Nov. 6th. 

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