Monday, October 22, 2012

Hedging My Bets

 Soon, our long national nightmare is over.  The 2012 Presidential election votes will be (by November 7th, if there is a God) mercifully tabulated and the results announced and accepted by a skeptical public.  With the exception of the years 1824 and 2000, Americans are pretty good at getting these elections done on schedule.  We may not always count every vote, but we are sticklers for closure. 
As I write this, it is still October and my binder full of predictions is missing in action.  As I write this now, I have to be ready for any possible outcome.  When it comes to paid political writing, I can be severely bipartisan.  I will accept just compensation from the Far Right blogosphere or from Rachel Maddow (or 72 cents on the dollar if I write under my popular pseudonym, Sue Da’Man).  Capitalism has no party affiliation. 

I have to be ready to appease Red America or Blue America if I want more Green in my little corner of America.  So I have prepared 2 likely inaugural narratives that I can sell to the Left or the Right depending on the election’s outcome. 
January 20, 2013 – Specially drafted for The Drudge Report

A great darkness descended over the nation at 12 noon today as “American” citizen Barack Hussein Obama once again perjured himself by taking the sacred Christian Oath of Office while resting his clenched fist on what some described as a worn copy of the Koran.  Thousands of dependent onlookers recorded the proceedings using their government issued cellphones with premium data plans, and they cheered wildly in assorted languages as Mr. Obama read from his teleprompter a litany of proposals designed to further reinforce the national mood of victimhood.  The mob was especially ebullient as he called for a period of “national healing” after the bruising campaign, a veiled reference to his secret plans to further nationalize the health care system.  Local looting was kept to a minimum.

Witnesses told of United Nations troops surrounding the Presidential motorcade as his taxpayer financed limousine wound through the blighted streets of the Democratically controlled nation’s capital.  Upon arrival at the Inaugural Ball, the President and a group of supporters wearing festive red bow ties, absent any noticeable flag lapel pins, were whisked into the ballroom for an all-night celebration of secular values punctuated by a redistribution of heavy hors d’oeuvres. 

In related news, 30% of the nation’s physicians walked out of hospitals and care facilities today in mass protest of increased workloads; hundreds of Catholic churches in key swing states for 2016 were shuttered pending an IRS investigation into illegal campaign proselytizing from the pulpit; and new Supreme Court Justice Bill Clinton was seen feeling the pain of innocent bystanders along the inaugural parade route. 

I think that will capture the Red State mood after an Obama victory.  Now, what can I sell to Blue State readers?

January 20, 2013 – Specially drafted for Daily Kos

A great darkness descended over the nation at 12 noon today as former liberal, former moderate and newly born again conservative Willard Mitt Romney presented his paid receipt to the American people and accepted his purchase of the Presidency of the United States.  With his fingers noticeably crossed as his right hand rested on what some described as a worn copy of the Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal, he recited the Oath of Office as members of the oligarchy looked from their specially constructed skybox perches.  President Romney, speaking without notes or a hint of shame, repeated his campaign promises to demonize immigrants, remove the shackles of public responsibility from small business owners, and encourage freedom for women who want to stay at home, bear fruit and multiple.

At his privatized Inaugural Ball, the champagne flowed as lazy onlookers huddled for a glimpse of the new President through the makeshift chain link fence erected to keep foreigner invaders and Obama supporters away from the proceedings.  From the electrified security perimeter, a stuffed Big Bird could be seen hanging in effigy near the dais.   The 1% of the 1% of the population that was invited to the celebratory gala cheered as it was announced that Romney’s personal accountant was able to write off the national debt by completing a few forms and shifting the assets of Ft. Knox to the Cayman Islands.  Romney, a practicing Mormon did not share in the champagne toasts but was nonetheless incoherent for the entire evening. 

In related news, drug stores across the nation experienced a run on contraceptives, anticipating the pending ban on their sale and distribution; Secretary of the Treasury nominee Sheldon Adelson was admitted to Cedar Sinai Medical Center complaining of acute euphoria; and the Department of the Interior announced that tree-hugging environmentalists have been added to the Endangered Species List.

So I am ready for anything.  I win either way.  Do you? 

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