Friday, August 31, 2012

Heartbreak Ridge

Clint Eastwood may have created a model for future political convention speakers when he tragically ad-libbed some comedy prior to Mitt Romney's acceptance speech last night.  My jaw was on the floor for the entire performance.  I was in shock and awe.  I love his movies, and care about his legacy.  I wish that whoever put him on that stage last night without a script had cared as much about his legacy as I did.  Seeing him fumble did not make my day. 

However, it does have people talking and all publicity is good publicity, right?   The Democrats have taken notice of all the publicity, and Joe Biden is ready to capitalize on this new approach to convention addresses.

Thanks to WikiLeaks, MSRP has obtained the following transcript from a conversation at the White House last night about convention strategy.

(Joe Biden rushes into the Oval Office.  Obama reading a book)

Biden:  Barry – did you watch Clint Eastwood’s tour de force tonight?

Obama:  It’s Mr. President, Joe.  Stop calling me Barry.  Yes, I saw him.  I think he really bombed.

Biden:  Bombed?  He was the bomb you mean.  Word.

Obama:  Joe, I have asked you stop talking like that.

Biden:  Oops, sorry, yo.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  Titter-verse is going crazy.  Hey, we’ve got to do something at our convention to make voters forget about Dirty Harry and focus on our campaign.

Obama: (finally looking up from his book, Fifty Shades of Gray) It’s Twitter-verse, Joe, not Titter-verse.  Alright, I might regret this, but what did you have in mind?

Biden:  We need an even bigger superstar to come out on stage to support you at the convention, but this star has to better reflect the diversity of the country and our party. 

Obama:  You might be on to something, Joe.

Biden:  Oh, I am on something alright.  I was thinking - Charo.

Obama:  You mean Charo, the actress, comedienne, and flamenco guitarist from the 1970s who used to say “cuchie-cuchie” while shaking her hips in a sexually explicit manner?

Biden:  I know. Hot, right?  And she helps expand our gender advantage with Latinos and women, and brings in male viewers.

Obama:  Male viewers over 70 perhaps.  You are right, though.  We need star power and diversity.  Too bad Oprah isn’t a one-legged Hispanic lesbian Iraq War veteran who has had an abortion.  Otherwise, she’d be perfect for the gig.

Biden:  That is so weird, Barry.  I was thinking the exact same thing.

Obama:  I’m just spitballing here, but are any of The Expendables registered Democrats?  That movie tough guy image could work for us.  It would remind voters that I killed bin Laden without being too in your face about it.  You know, “Hasta la vista, Mitt Romney.”  That sort of thing.

Biden:  Arnold could be a possibility.  He’d do just about anything to patch things up with Maria and the Kennedys.  He’s half Socialist being from California so he'd fit in on "Freedom Means It's Free" Day during the convention.  Too bad he’s not gay.  That could really help our numbers.

Obama:  How about Kirk Douglas?  He's an aging movie tough guy.  No one would be able to understand him, but the crowd couldn’t understand Eastwood, and they loved it.  Kirk talking to an empty chair would be completely believable.

Biden:  Wait, we’ve overlooking the obvious choice.  I could do it!  It would be a huge surprise.  I’ll approach the podium before your speech and there’ll be an empty chair next to me, and I’ll kinda look at it and say, “What, Mitt?  What did you say?  Oh, well then go f**k yourself.”  It will bring down the house.  Worked for Dirty Harry.

Obama:  (mulling it over) Hmmm.  People will feel sorry for you.  They’ll say “That’s Joe being Joe”, and the lasting image in the swing voters’ minds will be our campaign telling the GOP nominee to forcibly violate himself.  I like it, Joe.  What could go wrong?

Biden:  Oh well, in that case, then go f**k yourself.

Obama:  Pardon?

Biden:  Oops, I was just practicing.  But speaking of pardons, I might need one if this conversation ever becomes public.

Obama:  Word, Joe.  Now, go find yourself an empty chair and start talking to it.  I have to finish reading these briefing reports.

In case you didn't see it last night:

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