Saturday, June 30, 2012

The Science of Hot

I thought that it was unseasonably hot out this morning, but was cooled by the idea that the extreme weather that I thought I was experiencing was only a liberal myth.  I can now stop sweating through my t-shirt and liberally applying the 100 SPF to the back of my neck.  I was only burning up because liberals want to hurt America’s potential competitiveness in the fossil fuels economy of the 21st century.  I can mop my brow with relief.  Climate change is fake so my discomfort is all in my mind.

The temperature in my part of Virginia is predicted to peak at 102 degrees today, but according to local meteorologists (rhymes with ‘astrologists’), it will feel like a pizza oven and we’ll be wearing mozzarella underwear.  I am told it might be an all-time record high, but I am not worried.  When it dips to 30 below zero one day this winter, the average temperature will only be 36 degrees, and that is completely tolerable with a wool jacket and a pair of fingerless gloves.  No need to panic and regulate pollutants because you need a sweater occasionally.  Climate change is fake so my discomfort is all in my mind.

Here in Virginia, my elected representatives are looking out for any overreactions to this unparalleled hot weather.  Thankfully, they know that extreme weather events are all just a matter of perception.  They won’t let us be indoctrinated!  My state GOP was certain to omit any reference to “climate change” and “sea-level rise” in funding a study of the growing flood problem in the Commonwealth.  Yes, they really did.

Scientists (aka liberals) say sea levels along state’s coast have risen more than a foot and are still rising (they used suspect methods like 'measurement').  Republicans concede that flooding is a growing problem, but insisted there could be no mention of “sea level rise” because it is a “left-wing term.”  Good point.  “Sea level rise”, while arguably a statement of fact, is also imbued with all kinds of liberal meaning.  Drowning in a flood is something a Democrat would say.  Republicans know that drowning is just another way of saying “over-hydrated”.  That could happen to anyone.

Perception is reality, and words have meaning.  Now we need our GOP brethren to save us from this sweltering, non-climate change related heat.  Maybe they could pass a law that Code Red days should be called “tropic”.  That sounds nice.  Tropic.

And the new hole in the side of my house courtesy of the violent weather event featuring high winds and rain last night can be called a "rustic window".   Climate change is fake so the hole in my house is all in my mind.

I have more to say, but it is too damn fracking hot today, and I need to chainsaw the fallen tree felled by the "tropical" breezes.

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