Monday, June 4, 2012

New Rules for the Mets

This is a sad day for severely conservative fans of the New York Metropolitan baseball club.  No, activist umpires didn’t overturn Carlos Beltran’s foul ball call from Saturday’s no hitter by Johan Santana.  No, the team did not expand the Nanny State by banning the sale of 32 ounce Cokes at the ball game, and Cracker Jacks sales have not been halted after the 7th inning stretch because of the high sugar content.  No, Mo Vaughn hasn’t been hired as strength and conditioning coach.  With the team playing well so far this season, today’s press release is a more devastating blow than any of these possible events.  Mets fans who believe in freedom, liberty, and an overwhelmingly strong national defense may have to switch NY teams.

Comedian and icon of the anti-liberal establishment, Bill Maher, has purchased an ownership stake in the franchise.  Bill Maher is a part owner of the New York Mets. 
Knowing that at least George Soros hasn’t bought the team outright is little solace to the Far Right Field of the conservative movement.  Maher is Public Enemy Number One, a man whose liberal comedic rantings serve to insulate conservatives from all manner of accusations of sexism, racism, and generalized insensitivity.  Thanks to Maher, conservatives everywhere can confidently respond to any argument with “Oh yeah? Well, what about Bill Maher, you socialist bastard!”  He is the guy the Right loves to hate, and if the Mets ever reach the Promised Land of another championship, Maher would be the owner they hate to love.

Maher has been quick to announce his plans for putting his unique stamp on the team, and Republican leaning fans are not amused: 
New Mets Owner Bill Maher’s New Rules for the baseball operation:

·         The Mother’s Day promotion to highlight breast cancer awareness is evolving in to Ladies’ Night Breast Awareness Thursdays.  All the ladies drink free if the Mets score (and if the ladies drink free, Maher is confident that the Mets will score).

·         All player salaries will be equally distributed among the players on the 25 man roster to discourage jealousies that can hurt player morale.

·         As part of a creative cross promotional campaign, stadium foot long hot dogs will be served with complimentary condom from Planned Parenthood.

·         Citifield will be renamed The People’s Republic of Queens Field.

·         In a nod to the global outreach of the game, the pregame national anthem will be replaced with the different national anthems of all player’s home countries.
·         An invitation will be extended to President Obama to throw out first pitch at every Mets’ home game this season (Hillary Clinton will be asked to participate during the 2016 season).

·         Good friend and flamethrower Ann Coulter will be contracted to deliver fiery pep talks before important division games.

·         Team broadcasters will now permitted to announce the game with occasional profanities mixed into the call (Gary Cohen will also be encouraged to chuckle whenever he says “balls”, call suicide squeeze plays “assisted” suicide squeeze plays, and announce home runs as “money shots”.)  For the record, Keith Hernandez has been throwing in occasional curse words for years, usually when the first baseman makes a particularly boneheaded play that he would have easily fielded.

·         The groundskeepers will install a new infield grass at the stadium.  As Maher describes it, “This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 9 innings on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.”

·         Select club level eateries will be switched to an all vegan menu.  The proposed menu will include such delicacies as Teufel’s Tofu and Le Grande Oranges. 

·         Effective immediately, the team will no longer sign any players from the Dominican Republic named “Jesus”.

·         Between innings entertainment on the Jumbotron will feature a preview of this week’s Real Time With Bill Maher.

·         When requesting the extra large fries and 32 ounce soda as part of the value meal, patrons must ask that the order be “Michael Moore’ed” for the best pricing.

·         Players must adhere to an updated dress code on road trips that includes mandatory skinny ties.

·         Triples will be referred to on the scoreboard as “three ways”.

·         New flexible season ticket and multi-game plans will be sold under the slogan, “Pick Your Games – the Mets Are Pro-Choice!”

·         “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” will be replaced by “Give Peace a Chance” by John Lennon (swaying and hand holding optional).

·         The first 10,000 fans on Fan Appreciation Night will receive a VHS version of Maher’s cult movie sensation, DC Cab

·         Between games of a double header against the Milwaukee Brewers this summer, Maher will officiate a same sex marriage ceremony at home plate between team mascot Mr. Met and one of the Brewers’ Racing Sausages.

And finally, New Rule - legalized drugs.  If that doesn’t help Jason Bay’s power numbers, nothing will.

When it comes to Maher's ownership interest in the Mets, let's hope he's a capitalist.

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