Sometimes the headlines are so tempting that it is difficult not to click on the link and read the story. “Headless Man Found in Topless Bar” is still the leader in the clubhouse (thank you, New York Post), but these actual headlines from Tuesday’s web news inspired me to click. Funny, it was exactly the story I expected to read, every time.
Killer’s Corpse Dragged from Car, Eaten by Bear
A deranged killer filed a police report today claiming that the corpse he had been carrying in the trunk of his car for the past few weeks was stolen by a hungry bear. The killer, wearing thick rubber gloves, a blood stained smock and a 1970s style hockey mask, was visibly distraught by the bear’s actions.
“I was going to eat that guy. Now what am I going to have for dinner? Chicken?”
Dion Admits ‘Titanic’ Song Could Make Her Sick
Confirming what everyone already knew, Celine Dion announced via Twitter that the theme song from the blockbuster movie Titanic has the ability to make her physically ill. Dion joins a multitude of people, mostly males between the ages of 25 and 50, who are stricken by a similar affliction whenever Leo DiCaprio appears on the screen blathering on about Rose, Rose, Rose. The only known cure for the feeling of nausea is watching a Sylvester Stallone movie marathon and aggressively punching a nearby pillow during the good parts.
Best Jobs That Don’t Need a 4-Year Degree
Not everyone needs a 4 year college degree to have a successful career, says Drop Out Illustrated in its latest issue. This year’s list of jobs that require little or no formal education include: vice presidential nominee of the Republican Party; personal assistant for Herman Cain (described by Mr. Cain as “a job with benefits”); Hilton family member; All-Star NBA player; professional hoarder; talk show host; reality TV show contestant; and Internet blogger.
Gov. McDonnell: Obama Deserves Some Credit
Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell was excommunicated from the Republican Party today for suggesting that President Obama deserved grudging credit for anything positive that has happened globally in the past 3 years. After the words unwittingly fell from the Governor’s mouth, he tried to recover by adding that he “couldn’t think of any specific examples” at the moment, but the damage was done.
In his official letter of excommunication written by RNC Chair Reince Preibus, McDonnell was asked, “Didn’t you get the memo?”
12-Year Old Starts His Own Recycling Business
Everyone knows that the best way to protect the environment is to reuse, or so says little Mitch Cumstein of Wooster, Mass. The industrious 12 year old has started his own recycling business, encouraging classmates to save the planet by wearing their underwear on consecutive days. “I just decided it was easier to turn them inside out. That way, they get washed half as often. Less laundry detergent, less water waste, everyone wins. I can’t believe no one has thought of this before.” Mitch now charges $0.05 for every piece of recycling advice, and he invoices his schoolmates in the boy’s room before lunch each day.
As part of his Going Green strategy, he hopes to expand into recycling his own boogers for profit. “Why waste them? There’s gold in them hills!”
Paris Police Probe Sighting of Canada Porn Actor
Paris police are investigating the possible sighting of a Canadian porn actor, wanted for questioning in connection with a grizzly crime. Officers who crowded around the tiny iPhone screen to watch the tawdry sighting recounted what they saw:
“He was wearing a handyman disguise that included a fake moustache, and he entered the scene and asked the woman if she had called about a plumbing inspection. A witness had come forward because she recognized the maple leaf tattoo on his left buttocks during a particularly action-packed sequence. We’ll have to watch it over and over and over again before we can be absolutely certain it is him.”
Confirmation of the sighting of the actor took longer than usual for the all-male Paris police squad because they insisted on reviewing his entire body of work.
“Is that a baguette or is he just glad to see her? C’est magnifique!”
Cities with the Most Underwater Homeowners
For the 10,000th year in a row, the lost city of Atlantis led the world rankings as the City with the Most Underwater Homeowners. Crescent City, Japan remained mired in second place.
Celtics Beat Heat
The Boston Celtics conducted practice indoors today, thus avoiding the oppressive Florida Heat. Some news outlets are also reporting that Kevin Garnett poured a cool cup of water over his own head during a break in shooting drills. Reports out of Miami also indicate that LeBron James can’t stand the Heat, either, and has been cooling down in a remote corner of the court by himself.
Experts predict that the Heat wave will break tonight after 11 PM.