Coming Clean

Now that Lance Armstrong has confessed to his doping sins at the feet of Oprah Winfrey, it was inevitable that this confession would come next:

Mitt Fesses Up:  “I Don’t Like the Poor”

Special to MSRP

 

After years of denying claims that he doesn’t really like poor people, Mitt Romney is apparently ready to come clean.  The Oxygen Network has confirmed that Oprah Winfrey will sit down for what is being described as a “no holds barred” interview with the former Presidential candidate this week.  During this interview, it is expected that he will confess to his long-rumored dislike of the poor and his lifetime of discomfort around those of lesser social status.

Romney, the Republican nominee for President in 2012, has repeated denied allegations over the years that he doped down his positions to poor people to win votes in urban and rural areas of the country.  If true that his interview with Winfrey will include a confession and apology, it will mark the end of a remarkable chapter in American politics.

Romney has been accused by Democrats for years of being a leader in the systematic GOP ‘doping’ down of voters, deliberately dumbing down rhetoric to mask his disdain for those who are different from him and those that cannot afford the finer things in life.  The phrase ‘doping’ became popular in the 2012 campaign when Romney would speak in vague generalities and use phrases like “freedom” and “European socialism” without context or details in order to fool the poor into believing he was one of them.  During the scheduled 2 hour interview, it is believed that he will directly address the voter doping down scandal.  

Romney has hinted in the past about his widespread doping of the poor, most dramatically captured during a recorded cell phone video that surfaced in the summer of 2012 in which he referred to 47% of the electorate as people “who believe that they are victims” and people who “do not take personal responsibility and care for their lives”.  At the time, he claimed his remarks were mischaracterized but the whispers continued that Mitt just couldn’t stand poor folks.  It was common knowledge on the campaign that he refused to even make eye contact with those whose net worth was below $500,000.  Now it appears that those rumors will be confirmed by the candidate.  

When news of the impending confession reached Fox News headquarters, supporters of the former governor rallied around him.

“Look, maybe he did contribute to the doping down of America but he did a lot of good along the way, too.  You can’t judge the man without taking into account his charitable works,” said Brit Hume through tears. 

“The sad fact is that I believed in him and that’s what hurts the most.”  Hume vowed to continue to support Romney and his charitable causes, but he said that he would no longer wear the red, white and blue rubber wrist band emblazoned with the slogan “Believe in America”.

Winfrey hopes that Romney will be completely honest in the interview and she has been assured that no question will be considered off limits.  Most pundits speculate that Romney will finally admit to doping down the public and to actually disliking the poor in a visceral way, but it is not expected that he finally explain what his economic plan really was.

“Some things are just too personal,” said Paul Ryan, his former running mate who is also under investigation for doping down voters.  “The details of that plan will remain private and that’s his right.”

Immediately after the interview, Romney will be flying to the Caymans to spend more time relaxing with his money. 

Farewell to Arms

In anticipation of Obama’s announcement tomorrow on actions that he will take to stem gun violence in our country, our team of crack hackers (or as we lovingly call them here at MSRP, hacks on crack) has procured an advanced look at Biden’s prepared remarks.  We share them with you here exclusively:

Statement from Vice President Joe Biden regarding the Commission to Decrease Gun Violence in America:

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

As you know, I am prone to shooting off at the mouth, so I will try to stick to my prepared bullet points.

In the wake of the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary school last month, the President directed me to chair a commission that would make targeted recommendation to reduce the scourge of gun violence in our country.  I gladly accepted the challenge.

After rifling through a number of proposals, we came to a consensus on what I believe to be some high caliber recommendations.

As a committee, we were gunning for proposals that not only could positively impact the nation but also proposals that stood a chance of becoming law.  We are realistic.  We know that passage of these legislative proposals in a divided Congress will not be automatic, or even semi-automatic.  But if we target our efforts, if we aim for the right solutions and refuse to be muzzled in the face of the powerful gun lobby, we can succeed.  

The President and I believe that without strong regulations around guns, we’ll be staring down the barrel of greater risk of senseless attacks such as Sandy Hook, Aurora, Portland, and Iraq.  We recognize that introducing tighter gun restrictions could lead to a backlash in the political polls, but we are willing to take that bullet for the American people.  We cannot stand alone unarmed in this fight.  We need the American people to provide us cover with their support.

I urge every American to fire off a letter to their representative in Congress asking that they not to recoil from the tough decisions.  Our cause needs all the ammunition it can get.  We must bombard our legislators with our letters, our phone calls and our voices.  This is our call to arms and I ask that every American join us in this fight to reduce gun violence now.  

That Biden…he sure is a pistol.

Injecting PEDs (Political Enhancement Drugs)

In 1995, the game of baseball was in trouble.  Because of a players’ strike, 47 of games of the previous season had been cancelled, including the entire 1994 playoffs and World Series.  The previous 2 Fall Classics had been won by an un-American team, the Toronto Blue Jays.  League attendance was down, the sport had no commissioner, and the game’s overall popularity had dropped below football and Seinfeld reruns.  The game was at its nadir.

Three years later in 1998, baseball was reborn through the heroic efforts of Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa who saved the game with their historic race to dethrone Roger Maris as the game’s single season home run champion.  McGuire, with his Paul Bunyan-sized biceps and Sammy Sosa, with his hop step towards first and his signature corked bats, injected energy and excitement into baseball when it was needed most.  As we now know, that’s not all they injected.

These now-disgraced American legends proved what we had been told for years – there really is better living through chemistry. 

We pretended at the time that we were unaware of their generous usage of performance enhancing drugs.  We pretended that human arms could grow to the size of watermelons without a chemical assist.  We pretended that balls could fly above the firmament with a flick of the wrists, but deep down we knew the truth.  And we accepted it.  The game was saved and we didn’t care how it happened.

Today, it is our politics that is broken.  Congressional popularity is down and there is a looming government shutdown.  The political game’s core economics are out of alignment with reality and the discipline has no commissioner.  Our challenge is to restore politics to its rightful place among the admired professions and it will take a Ruthian effort.  We need to inject something into politics so it will popular again.

Let’s embrace the example of McGuire and Sosa in our politics.  We need to aggressively advocate for the use of PEDs by our political leaders.  Ending the costly War on Performance Enhancing Drugs during this Congress should be a bipartisan goal.  Our politics can be saved, but it’s going to take some chemical juice to get the job done.

It’s a dirty little secret that PEDs have been a part of politics for decades.  In 1994, rumors were rampant that Newt Gingrich led the Republican takeover of the House with the help of PEDs.  Pundits noted how much larger his head became right around that same period of time, a telltale side effect of PED usage.  Bill Clinton has long been suspected of using during that era.  How else could you explain his rising popularity in the wake of an impeachment trial?  That cannot happen without an illicit injection of something in his posterior.

Performance enhancing drugs could help our weak legislators take on the tough challenges that face our nation.  A few well-calibrated injections in the rump could help an otherwise average Representative lead the charge to solve the fiscal cliff or conquer the scourge of sequestration.  A Congressman on PEDs could rewrite the record book of legislative accomplishments and usher in a new era of rising popularity numbers, lower deficits and greater comity instead of comedy.  

The arguments against PEDs in politics are many.  Prolonged usage may lead to shortened term expectancies, poor complexions, and anger issues.  I would counter that our members of Congress already suffer from poor skin and anger issues (have you watched C-SPAN lately?), and shortened terms in office may not necessarily be a bad thing.  I believe the potential benefits to the political game outweigh these unsightly side effects.

Yes, it is true that future generations of Americans may withhold their votes for these medically enhanced lawmakers from induction into any Political Hall of Fame.  Yes, history may judge them as cheaters.  But like McGuire and Sosa, wouldn’t they also deserve our thanks for saving the game we love? 

Let’s end the drug war.  Let’s allow our political heroes to juice.  Personally, I’d like to be the first American voter to inject a member of Congress with a needle in the backside.  

Hold still.  This won’t hurt a bit.

   

Did You Know?

…Performance enhancing drugs are suspected to have first been used in politics by our 22^nd President Grover Cleveland who, after his devastating electoral loss in 1888, recovered quickly to win election as our 24^th President in 1892.

…The Baseball Hall of Fame selection criteria includes “character” as a qualification, while selection to the U.S. Congress does not.

…The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency has confirmed reports that Lance Armstrong’s blood content is 92% water and 8% ‘chemicals’.

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“One More Step, and the Economy Gets It”

Enough already.

The money has been authorized.  The services have been rendered.  The invoices are due.  Pay the bills and address future spending as a separate issue.  We do not negotiate with terrorists.

In order to disarm those who believe that taking the U.S. economy hostage is a noble position, I approve of Obama invoking Section 4 of the 14^th Amendment to the Constitution:

Section 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned.

The U.S. House of Representatives is planning to allow the validity of the public debt of the United States to be questioned.  Don’t think the 14^th Amendment tactic would pass legal muster?  OK, mint those $1 trillion coins.  That is so legal that Rep. Greg Walden (R-OR) is moving to close that legal option by passing a law banning the practice now.  No need to make it illegal if it is already illegal.  Call the bluff, mint the coin and never allow the economy to be hijacked again for partisan gain.  

Loyal opposition, find a new hostage whose kidnapping won’t impact the global economy.  Must I remind you of what Standard and Poor’s said when the credit rating of our nation was downgraded after the last stand-off?:

"The political brinksmanship of recent months highlights what we see as America's governance and policymaking becoming less stable, less effective, and less predictable than what we previously believed." 

That downgrade came at a cost of increased interest payment costs on the debt, which by the way, is then charged to taxpayers in this country.  The downgrade cost real money according to the Government Accounting Office.   The GAO stated: 

“Delays in raising the debt limit can create uncertainty in the Treasury market and lead to higher Treasury borrowing costs. GAO estimated that delays in raising the debt limit in 2011 led to an increase in Treasury’s borrowing costs of about $1.3 billion in fiscal year 2011. However, this does not account for the multiyear effects on increased costs for Treasury securities that will remain outstanding after fiscal year 2011.”

 You really want to reduce the debt?  Don’t add to it artificially with a pathetic argument over paying for things we have already bought.

You authorized it.  You bought it.

Stop telling people that an increase in the debt ceiling will allow Obama to spend more money than you, the House of Representatives, have authorized.  It doesn’t.

So for once, do the right thing.  Authorize the debt ceiling increase that will cover the money the House has already authorized to be spent, and fight for common sense cuts or reductions in federal programs that need to be cut.  Start with defense so I believe that you are serious and not just looking for an excuse to shred the social safety net (which benefits our economy).

Last year, Obama agreed to $1 trillion in spending cuts.  During discussions with Speaker Boehner this fall, he offered more cuts.  He has presented cuts, but they are not the cuts you want and not as deep as you want.  Sorry, you lost in November.  Take the cuts you can get and get back to work.

The kind of austerity your leadership is championing did not work in Europe.  Great Britain cut spending by 30% in order to show the markets they were serious about deficit reduction.  That plan dropped the Brits into a double dip recession and slower GDP growth.  Throughout that period, we have held our own.

Address entitlements in a smart way.  Means test Social Security.  Raise the retirement age over time.  Empower the IPAB (Independent Patient Advisory Board) that your side demogogued as a ‘death panel’ to review what Medicare services can be covered.  Be cost-effective, not cheap.  Raising the Medicare eligibility age drops the least expensive Medicare recipients from the pool.  That raises costs money; it doesn’t save it.

One more thing: pay the bills and protect the recovery.  Cut smart, cut slow, cut everywhere and cut continuously over a long period of time.  Stop taking us hostage because after all, we are the economy. 

My favorite hostage scene from movie history, albeit a tad inappropriate for many audiences...

A Dirty Word

It is not often that a man named Crapo is in the news the same week that a nationally recognized weatherman confesses to crapping in his pants at the White House.  It’s been a shitty week for both of them.

Senator David Crapo of Idaho, a self-described Mormon that does not drink alcohol, was arrested for DUI after downing some shots in his apartment.  He will not serve jail time as long as he exhibits good behavior over the next 12 month period, which I will assume means voting straight party line. 

On some level, it is gratifying to know that someone with a last name like Crapo can be elected to the United States Congress, even if it just Idaho we’re talking about.  This is no doubt good news for anyone named Asswipe (pronounced ‘ah-SWEE-pay’), Shithead, or Poop.  These folks now have hope that they can one day be taken seriously in the public square and not mercilessly ridiculed by an anonymous blogger.  It also proves that most of the public, at least in his lightly populated state, has a modicum (not an Imodium) of emotional maturity and can look past his giggle-inducing last name and towards his fine qualities as a legislator and leader. 

    

If you were involved in the most recent election battle on either side of the Crapo campaign, the suggested text for lawn signage must have been a non-stop juvenile laugh fest during the late night campaign office envelope-stuffing parties:

Supporters preferred:

·         Vote Crapo for No More Crapo in DC (or More Crapo Means Less DC Crapo)

·         No Stains on Crapo’s Record

·         I Crapo and I Vote

Opposition Signs included:

·         Crapo’s Crap

·         The last thing we need in Washington is more Crapo

·         Let’s Wipe Away Crapo on Nov. 7^th

·         Crapo Stinks

Then there is lovable weather junkie, Al Roker, the man whose face on the cover of TV Guide in one Seinfeld episode elevated him to iconic status in pop culture.   Alas, Al confessed to a gastro hit and run accident this week.  When you think Al Roker now, the elementary school comeback, “The one who smelt it, dealt it”, will immediately pop to mind.

In an interview on his own network, he talked at length about his battles with obesity and the unexpected and violent consequences of his weight loss solution.  He is the face of successful bariatric surgery, trim, slim and ready to rumble.  Unfortunately, we now know that his most infamous rumble occurred in his colon and erupted while he was walking towards the White House press room.  I am sure his initial plan was to stand next to Brit Hume and hope everyone blamed the smell on him.  It would fit the profile.  Roker instead shuffled to the men’s room, removed the crapo, and returned to his post.  

This incident might have gone down in political history as another unsolved White House leak, but Roker came clean (so to speak) during the interview on his network.    Talk about your wet weather coming from the South at 60 miles per hour.  “If the winds don’t get you, the precipitation will.  Take shelter NOW!” 

It is an interview clip that I could have done without.  I have high hopes that it will be a long time before “sharting” trends this high on Twitter again.

The Roker sharting incident and the Crapo DUI arrest share more than just the sophomoric bonds of a whisper campaign surrounding embarrassing bodily functions.  They share much more.  Both events humanized these famous figures and brought them down to the level of all Americans.  And that’s nice.  I mean, who can’t relate to drinking alone in their apartment and then going for a 45 minute drive around Alexandria to “unwind”?  Who can’t relate to suffering from a little toxic emission at the White House?  Happens all the time.  That place gets quite a bit of traffic in blowhards spewing from both ends.

These private episodes that are now public do leave me longing for the days when famous folks were humanized for the rest of us in simpler ways, like by the unauthorized release of a private sex recording on TMZ’s website.  Getting your name trending on Google was so much more exciting when your claim to fame was associated with fornication instead of excretion. 

Those were the days when ‘dirty’ meant sexy.  No more.  Thanks, Al and Crapo.  You both stink.

Hell’s Kitchen

   

Until you’ve done it, you don’t know.

We started a kitchen remodel this week.  Actually, the process of starting the kitchen remodel began months ago with the realization that we did not want to remodel the kitchen out of necessity because the house wouldn’t sell with an outdated kitchen.  We decide that we should enjoy a new kitchen instead of building a new kitchen exclusively for some future owners.  Might as well spend a few year of our lives not being disgusted by the floor and embarrassed by the cabinetry.  Live a little, we thought.  Other people don’t worry that the bottom of the cabinet under the sink might be carrying a flesh eating microbe, so why should we?

This decision, which in retrospect caused more angst than it was worth, was the easy part.  The next phase was Indecision, and it is a phase I fear will never end.  The monster of indecision is one reason we put off updating the kitchen for as long as we did.  We were afraid to pick the paint, the floor, the appliances, the cabinets, and counter, the backsplash and the lighting in the abstract with the hope that it would work together in the concrete.  We are not professionals.  

Our mission, should we decide to accept it, was to take a 4” x 4” piece of granite countertop and match it with a 1” x 1” sample of paint, while considering the visual impact of the floor from a 12” x 12” square, while never forgetting the hue of the wood cabinets and the variant lighting during different times of day and different seasons of the year.  You can close your eyes and visualize all you want.  Picking full room wood, stone and color components from swatches is the ultimate in guesswork.

Designing this kitchen is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you’re going to get.

Oh, and I almost forgot – there’s a budget and it’s low.  Pick a number.  Then go lower.  That’s it.

Day One was demolition.  With the exception of the final delivery day when we reclaim our lives and dishes are no longer washed in the bathtub, this could be my favorite day in the entire process.  The drawer that never fully closed is gone.  The cabinet doors that closed with a thwack that could be heard throughout the house are gone.  The floor that would never look clean (and we did clean it on occasion despite its permanent dingy appearance and popular opinion) is history.  Nothing is as exciting as an empty space (Cherie once said that about me).  The possibilities seemed endless!

Which brings me back to indecisions.  We are committed on the cabinets, and they have arrived.  We settled on a countertop and it is being cut to our specifications.  The floor tiles have been ordered.  Appliances are financed and delivered.  One thing left – paint color.

The paint color will need to contrast with the floor, accentuate the granite, brighten the room, coordinate with the living room, not overpower the cabinets, and be self-cleaning.  This narrows the choices down to all of them.  We could opt for parsley sprig, peacock tail, or moonlit pool.  If we wanted to stay within the brown family, we have golden chalice, camel, honey moth or social butterfly.  It is unclear if we are ordering exotic teas or semi-gloss paint.  The names provide no information for me beyond a sense that these options will cost more than ‘green’ or ‘brown’.

I’ll skip the discuss of trim color variations of the color white since you already know that the shades cloud, salt and ivory pretty much represent plain white with a keystone markup. 

 

The indecision will give way to a decision, and once it does, we will sit back in our makeshift temporary kitchen in the living room, hunched over our paper plates and cups, and relax as best we can when camping indoors for 3 weeks with a family of 5.  This too shall pass.

In the end, we will love our kitchen.  Of this I am certain because if we don’t, let me know if you know of someone looking to buy a charming suburban home with a newly renovated kitchen whose cheerful colors will make you think of having a cup of tea all day long.

The Bettman Compromise

The NHL lock out has ended, and word has leaked that beleaguered commissioner Gary Bettman deserves much of the credit.

Negotiations had come to a complete stop after days of measureable progress on a variety of contentious issues, such as the length of player contracts, the salary cap for upcoming seasons and the percentage split of revenues between owners and players.  Optimism was high among fans, but a final deal was held up by the owners’ insistence that the players agree to play for less than previous years.

The story is now being told that at this point, it was Gary Bettman who bridged the final gap by agreeing to play goaltender this season for the Columbus Blue Jackets, the woeful and defenseless franchise from Ohio.  Players were ecstatic at the opportunity to shoot from close range against Commissioner Bettman, and immediately agreed to the reduced value labor contract.

Reactions from players came hard and fast, much like the pucks that would soon be flying in Bettman’s direction.

“Bettman and his cronies have been going 5 hole on the players for months now.  We look forward to returning the favor this season when we roll into Columbus,” drooled sharp shooter Patrick Kane.  “Wear a cup, Gary.”

“I shoot hard like rocket.  Hit in face.  Laugh like dog,” stammered Russian star Alex Ovechkin in what was identified as a form of broken English.  “I lose weight for change to be ready for dis.”

The players initially demanded that Bettman forego wearing a mask for this season as part of any final deal, allowing for more colorful damage to be done to his face.  In the final hour, however, players relented and will allow for Bettman to dress in full protective gear for the games.  Players reasoned that they can still hurt Bettman, even if he has pads, glove, stick and helmet.

Bettman said in a statement that he will also wear full goalie equipment at the league’s Fan Fest in Las Vegas which is open to fans of the game.  He said that league security personnel recommended the extra body armor because fans share the players’ intense loathing of the commission and everything that he has done to ruin the game of hockey during his sad tenure.

Regarding the new security gear, said Bettman from behind the glass,“You can never be too careful. Hockey is a dangerous sport.”