Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Coming Clean

Now that Lance Armstrong has confessed to his doping sins at the feet of Oprah Winfrey, it was inevitable that this confession would come next:

Mitt Fesses Up:  “I Don’t Like the Poor”

Special to MSRP
After years of denying claims that he doesn’t really like poor people, Mitt Romney is apparently ready to come clean.  The Oxygen Network has confirmed that Oprah Winfrey will sit down for what is being described as a “no holds barred” interview with the former Presidential candidate this week.  During this interview, it is expected that he will confess to his long-rumored dislike of the poor and his lifetime of discomfort around those of lesser social status.

Romney, the Republican nominee for President in 2012, has repeated denied allegations over the years that he doped down his positions to poor people to win votes in urban and rural areas of the country.  If true that his interview with Winfrey will include a confession and apology, it will mark the end of a remarkable chapter in American politics.

Romney has been accused by Democrats for years of being a leader in the systematic GOP ‘doping’ down of voters, deliberately dumbing down rhetoric to mask his disdain for those who are different from him and those that cannot afford the finer things in life.  The phrase ‘doping’ became popular in the 2012 campaign when Romney would speak in vague generalities and use phrases like “freedom” and “European socialism” without context or details in order to fool the poor into believing he was one of them.  During the scheduled 2 hour interview, it is believed that he will directly address the voter doping down scandal.  

Romney has hinted in the past about his widespread doping of the poor, most dramatically captured during a recorded cell phone video that surfaced in the summer of 2012 in which he referred to 47% of the electorate as people “who believe that they are victims” and people who “do not take personal responsibility and care for their lives”.  At the time, he claimed his remarks were mischaracterized but the whispers continued that Mitt just couldn’t stand poor folks.  It was common knowledge on the campaign that he refused to even make eye contact with those whose net worth was below $500,000.  Now it appears that those rumors will be confirmed by the candidate.  

When news of the impending confession reached Fox News headquarters, supporters of the former governor rallied around him.

“Look, maybe he did contribute to the doping down of America but he did a lot of good along the way, too.  You can’t judge the man without taking into account his charitable works,” said Brit Hume through tears. 

“The sad fact is that I believed in him and that’s what hurts the most.”  Hume vowed to continue to support Romney and his charitable causes, but he said that he would no longer wear the red, white and blue rubber wrist band emblazoned with the slogan “Believe in America”.

Winfrey hopes that Romney will be completely honest in the interview and she has been assured that no question will be considered off limits.  Most pundits speculate that Romney will finally admit to doping down the public and to actually disliking the poor in a visceral way, but it is not expected that he finally explain what his economic plan really was.

“Some things are just too personal,” said Paul Ryan, his former running mate who is also under investigation for doping down voters.  “The details of that plan will remain private and that’s his right.”

Immediately after the interview, Romney will be flying to the Caymans to spend more time relaxing with his money. 

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