Sunday, April 15, 2012

Secret Servicing

Yesterday, the news reported that 11 Secret Service agents assigned to guard the President were temporarily relieved of duty pending an investigation into allegations of sexual impropriety, specifically engaging the services of Columbian prostitutes while the agents were in that country preparing for Obama’s visit.  This particularly salacious story seemed like as good as example as any to illustrate how the politics function in modern day American.

I receive daily email solicitations from both Organizing for America (Obama’s campaign) and Believe in America (Romney’s campaign) for contributions (I am kind of a political junkie), and these solicitations typically leverage the news of the day to motivate the base into reaching into their wallets/purses.  Given that the Secret Service prostitution scandal currently powering the news cycle has all the elements of a political bombshell (sex, power, and sex), I have put together a primer for you on the types of spins and fundraising solicitations we can expect to see in the next few days.  I trust that this will illuminate for all of my readers how politics work during a Presidential campaign.  A sampling:

Received:  Saturday, April 14, 2012 at 9:07 PM ET
From:  Believe in America

For shame, Mr. President.

Today we learned that President Obama’s “laser focus” on jobs does not include the protection of American prostitution jobs.  Under his watch, these high paying jobs are being outsourced to low wage countries like Columbia.  Who suffers when these jobs are shipped overseas?  That’s right.  Our economy.  Our women.

We need to keep these American jobs in America.  Help us send a message to Obama that we will not tolerate the outsourcing of these predominantly women’s jobs to a socialist nation without a fight.  Women have suffered enough under this administration.

Can you spare $5 to give this story a happy ending?

God Bless America.

Beth Myers, Senior Romney Advisor

Received:  Saturday, April 14, 2012 at 11:14 PM
From:  Organizing for America

The Republicans are at it again, showing us their true heart, and today, it is clear that they do not have one.  They are shamelessly exploiting the indiscretions of a few low level federal employees to attack women who have taken control of their bodies to survive.  Instead of standing up in the War on Women, they have chosen to take up arms against women to score cheap politic points.  We cannot let them get away with this.

Women can make their own decisions, and Mitt Romney doesn’t understand that or respect that.  We need a friend and advocate in the White House, not a serial misogynist who does not trust women to take control of their own bodies.  Prostitution may be the world’s oldest profession, but Romney’s attacks are truly the oldest trick in the book.

Send a message with your $8 contribution today that you stand against the Republican War on Working Women.

God Bless America.

Stephanie Cutter, Deputy Campaign Manager

Received:  Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 3:42 AM ET
From:  Believe in America

How long will it take before Barack Obama comes clean with the American people about what he knew and when he knew it?

At least a dozen of this President’s most intimate circle of companions have been having glorious group sex with women of color in exchange for money for an indefinite period of time.  If the President was unaware, he is out of touch and needs to be replaced.  If he was aware, impeachment proceedings are in order.  Either way, it is past time that this President stand up and tell the American people unequivocally that he “is not a pimp and has not participated in lewd and immoral sex acts with the Secret Service, prostitutes, or any class of animals”, ever.

Mitt Romney can say that.  Can you, Mr. President?

Your contribution today of at least $10 will tell this President that we demand an honest accounting of his sex life.  We deserve better than Slick Barack.

God Bless America.

Beth Myers, Senior Romney Advisor
Received:  Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 6:00 AM
From:  Organizing for America

It is a sad day in America when federal employees can no longer afford high priced, clean American hookers and are forced to solicit low wage Columbian hookers to satisfy their natural urges. 

Under this Republican Congress, pay increases for public servants, including those public servants who put their lives on the line every day to protect our national security, have been denied a cost of living increase and have seen their wages stagnate.  So they seek cheap labor elsewhere. 

Tell Congressional Republicans to stop their unpatriotic obstructionist tactics and deliver a living wage for our public servants.  Can you donate at least $15 to support your fellow citizen soldiers of the Benevolent Lawmen Of Washington’s Membership Establishment (BLOWME), today?  These workers have certainly demonstrated that they are ready for a raise.

God Bless America.

Stephanie Cutter, Deputy Campaign Manager

Received:  Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 9:10 AM ET
From:  Ann Romney

The Obama campaign would be happy if we ignored how this prostitution scandal has shed light on his administration’s woeful record on women’s issues.  In his Harvard world, women are objects to be bought and sold for his personal pleasure.  Mitt Romney found his partner the old fashioned way – through a church arranged meeting followed by a long, monogamous marriage.

We should not be talking about Obama’s friends who pay for sex with strangers.  We should be focusing on those poor women who Obama exploited for his own devious purposes.  The next woman who is kidnapped during a Columbian vacation and forced into sexual slavery could be your mom or your daughter, but that doesn’t concern Barack Obama.  He is laser focused on doing and saying anything to get elected.

Will you help us send a message to the Obamaians and the ultra-liberal Democratic Party that you stand with us against forced sex slavery for your moms and daughters?  Contribute today and receive a pastel pink car magnet that reads, “We love unprotected LOVE within a heterosexual, monogamous marital relationship”.

I am the luckiest woman in the world to have Mitt.  I’d like you to have him, too, for the next 4 years.

God Bless America.

Ann Romney

Received:  Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 4:12 PM
From:  Michelle Obama

The Romney campaign has crossed the line this time, and I am here to set the record straight.  I know the real Barack, and he is nothing like the sexual predator that is being described in Republican fundraising emails.

The Barack I know does the dishes without being nagged.  He listens to me without judging or offering advice on how to ‘fix’ things.  He understands that women need to vocalize their feelings, and he lets me be me.  He is a gentle, patient and attentive lover, always focused on my needs first before gratifying himself.  He is a decent family man who would never consort with prostitutes and live to tell the tale.

Wouldn’t you rather have a handsome, athletic President who can sing well and clean the house than a stiff, emotionless man who may or may not believe in polygamy? 

Stand with my man.  Contribute $25 today to make your voice heard.

God Bless America.


I think you get the picture.  Now, who is selling themselves?

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