Thursday, April 12, 2012

He's History

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich today released a statement that he has agreed to join the Obama campaign team as a paid Historian.  According to the press release, the former House Speaker, in his role as Historian, will remain in the 2012 GOP nominating contest indefinitely to study the negative effects of his nuisance candidacy on the presumptive party nominee, Mitt Romney.

When asked by reporters whether there was any conflict of interest by remaining in the race as a Historian working for Obama, Gingrich was indignant. 
“Let me be clear – the Obama campaign is not paying me.  My company, Gingrich Enterprises, has accepted the Obama campaign as a paying client, and I am just an employee of Gingrich Enterprises doing my job.  There is a fundamental difference.”

Rumors have swirled that Gingrich accepted the controversial consulting assignment because his campaign has exhausted its list of multi-millionaire casino tycoons that could singlehandedly fund his futile efforts towards the nomination.  Gingrich was embarrassed this week when the $500 check he wrote to the state of Utah to be included on that state’s ballot bounced, a clear indication that his egomaniacal march towards the nomination had lost steam and resources.  Gingrich denied such claims.

“This report is another example of the liberal establishment anti-colonial Kenyan biased elitist media cherry-picking one bounced check to indoctrinate this nation towards Third World status.  I fundamentally reject their world view in a fundamental way.  Now, does anyone have some change for the meter?”

The Obama campaign for its part was pleased to have Gingrich on the payroll.  Campaign Manager David Plouffe emphasized the move as just another example of the President reaching across the aisle.

“This President embraces his role in bringing the parties together, and nothing says bipartisanship better than our generous financial support to Mr. Gingrich and his valuable historical research.  We look forward to the results of his handiwork in the fall.  He needs to keep up the good work and never quit.”

There were some internal discussions in Democratic circles about also adding Rick Santorum to the payroll to conduct even more aggressive and personalized historical research into how candidates respond when pushed into rigidly ideological dead end positions by desperate primary contenders.  That talk ended this week when, according to sources, Santorum “flip flopped” and went against his pledge to remain a contender through the GOP convention in August.  “The Obama campaign needs the attack of ‘flip flopper’ against Romney in the fall.  To hire Santorum once he has proven himself to be less than truthful would weaken our position,” said an unnamed source.  “He should have kept his word and battled until Tampa.  Then we could have hired him in good conscience.”

Already, Gingrich seems to be relishing his Historian role in the campaign.  “I feel so energized by my new non-partisan job, I could debate that wishy-washy moderate Massachusetts liberal-in-disguise on the moon!  The longer I stay in the race, the better chance that he'll be history."

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