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Sunday, April 29, 2012
Comedy Breeds Comity
Once per year, we are not Red America, we are not Blue America - we are the United States of Comedy. On this occasion, the nation laughs with the pols, not at them. The annual White House Correspondence Dinner has become the only bipartisan event left on the annual political calendar, and that IS funny. Both parties get to yuck it up together in the same room, a few hours of comity and comedy.
I recognize that not all of you are political junkies like me, but I believe that you all appreciate some good humor from time to time. So today, I shamelessly provide you with the humor of others - Jimmy Kimmel's best jokes at the dinner and Obama's best jokes at the dinner. Do not read while having your dinner. A spit take is only fun in the movies.
Kimmel's Finest:(as collected by Politico):
1. To Obama: "I know you won't be able to laugh at my jokes about the
Secret Service. Please cover your ears, if that's physically possible."
2. "If you told me when I was a kid I would be standing on a dais
with President Barack Obama, I would have said, 'The president's name is
3. "Remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious."
4. "Democrats would like you to stick to your guns. And if you don't
have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you."
5. "They say diplomacy is a matter of carrot and sticks, and since Michelle Obama got to the White House — so is dinner." More after the jump...
6. Kimmel to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie:
"I think you're misunderstanding New Jersey's slogan. It's not the Olive
7. "You'd recognize Jay Carney as the white guy from the LensCrafters commercial."
8. "Where are the CNN tables? Are the CNN tables real tables or virtual tables?"
9. "Did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?"
10. "Last week we learned that the president's two favorite steaks are: ribeye and seeing-eye."
11. "Sully, will you do us a favor? Will you drive Lindsay Lohan
home? Just make sure you don't run into a goose, and make sure it isn't a
12. "Eric Cantor can’t be here tonight, he’s at the gym working on his gavel arm." (Cantor was, in fact, at the dinner.)
13. On Mitt Romney: "You can't have a beer with him, because he
doesn't drink. You can't have a cup of coffee with him, because he can't
have caffeine. You can't even play Monopoly with him because he keeps
trying to put the dog on the car."
14. "It's great to see the Gingriches here, because that means the check cleared."
15. "Supercommittees are to committees what Supercuts are to hair cuts."
16. "I'd like everyone to look under their seats. You'll find a copy of Keith Olbermann's resume."
17. "It doesn't matter if you're black, like President Obama, or
white, like President Obama, or red, like President Obama's agenda."
18. On those who want to attack Iran: "They're a bunch of yahoos, and Netanyahus."
Obama's Finest(as collected by Politico):
1. "My mother was born in Kansas, my father was born in Kenya, and I was born, of course, in Hawaii," he said — with a wink.
2. "Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor,
but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W.
3. "I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from
their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight."
4. "Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with
Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won't stop drunk-texting me from
5. "Anyway, it’s great to be here this evening in the vast,
magnificent Hilton ballroom — or what Mitt Romney would call a little
fixer-upper." More after the jump...
6. "Look at this party. We’ve got men in
tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment. I was just
relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference."
7. "The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is known as the prom of
Washington D.C. — a term coined by political reporters who clearly never
had the chance to go to an actual prom."
8. "Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel, who is perfect for
the job since most of tonight’s audience is in his key demographic —
people who fall asleep during 'Nightline.'"
9. "Jimmy got his start years ago on 'The Man Show.' In Washington,
that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception."
10. "I have not seen 'The Hunger Games.' Not enough class warfare for me."
11. On Harvard degrees and Mitt Romney: "I have one, he has two. What a snob."
12. "As my stepfather always told me, 'It's a boy-eat-dog world out there.'"
13. "In my first term, we passed health care reform. In my second term, I guess I'll pass it again."
14. "Recently, [Romney's] campaign criticized me for slow-jamming the
news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so
incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on 'The Merv
15. "I have a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew."