I recognize that not all of you are political junkies like me, but I believe that you all appreciate some good humor from time to time. So today, I shamelessly provide you with the humor of others - Jimmy Kimmel's best jokes at the dinner and Obama's best jokes at the dinner. Do not read while having your dinner. A spit take is only fun in the movies.
Kimmel's Finest: (as collected by Politico):
1. To Obama: "I know you won't be able to laugh at my jokes about the Secret Service. Please cover your ears, if that's physically possible."
2. "If you told me when I was a kid I would be standing on a dais with President Barack Obama, I would have said, 'The president's name is Barack Obama?'"
3. "Remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious."
4. "Democrats would like you to stick to your guns. And if you don't have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you."
5. "They say diplomacy is a matter of carrot and sticks, and since Michelle Obama got to the White House — so is dinner."
More after the jump...
6. Kimmel to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie: "I think you're misunderstanding New Jersey's slogan. It's not the Olive Garden state."
7. "You'd recognize Jay Carney as the white guy from the LensCrafters commercial."
8. "Where are the CNN tables? Are the CNN tables real tables or virtual tables?"
9. "Did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?"
10. "Last week we learned that the president's two favorite steaks are: ribeye and seeing-eye."
11. "Sully, will you do us a favor? Will you drive Lindsay Lohan home? Just make sure you don't run into a goose, and make sure it isn't a gray goose"
12. "Eric Cantor can’t be here tonight, he’s at the gym working on his gavel arm." (Cantor was, in fact, at the dinner.)
13. On Mitt Romney: "You can't have a beer with him, because he doesn't drink. You can't have a cup of coffee with him, because he can't have caffeine. You can't even play Monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car."
14. "It's great to see the Gingriches here, because that means the check cleared."
15. "Supercommittees are to committees what Supercuts are to hair cuts."
16. "I'd like everyone to look under their seats. You'll find a copy of Keith Olbermann's resume."
17. "It doesn't matter if you're black, like President Obama, or white, like President Obama, or red, like President Obama's agenda."
18. On those who want to attack Iran: "They're a bunch of yahoos, and Netanyahus."
Obama's Finest (as collected by Politico):
1. "My mother was born in Kansas, my father was born in Kenya, and I was born, of course, in Hawaii," he said — with a wink.
2. "Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W. Bush."
3. "I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight."
4. "Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won't stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena."
5. "Anyway, it’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom — or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper."
More after the jump...
6. "Look at this party. We’ve got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment. I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference."
7. "The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is known as the prom of Washington D.C. — a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom."
8. "Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel, who is perfect for the job since most of tonight’s audience is in his key demographic — people who fall asleep during 'Nightline.'"
9. "Jimmy got his start years ago on 'The Man Show.' In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception."
10. "I have not seen 'The Hunger Games.' Not enough class warfare for me."
11. On Harvard degrees and Mitt Romney: "I have one, he has two. What a snob."
12. "As my stepfather always told me, 'It's a boy-eat-dog world out there.'"
13. "In my first term, we passed health care reform. In my second term, I guess I'll pass it again."
14. "Recently, [Romney's] campaign criticized me for slow-jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on 'The Merv Griffin Show.'"
15. "I have a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew."
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