The most secret and best protected database in the universe has been compromised by Julian Assange and his self-righteous band of techno-pirates, and their ill-gotten findings have been released as part of their War on Privacy (I thought Facebook had already won the privacy war). While I condemn these invasions of privacy and lament the harm that these breaches cause, I must nevertheless press the “Publish” button, in the name of petty voyeurism and mindless entertainment. After all, what could be more American than that? I give you selected excerpts from The Santa Files: Letters Unleashed.
CLASSIFIED
Dear Barry (or Mr. President, as you now prefer),
I was surprised to receive your Wish List dated December 1, 2010. It was quite lengthy, and the vocabulary somewhat pretentious. That aside, I was under the impression that your 2008 gift would last at least 4 years. Imagine my surprise when I opened your letter and read your gift request for Bipartisanship. I cannot deliver this one for you, my friend, and further, I do not recommend it as a gift. My experience in giving the gift of Bipartisanship has not been positive. It breaks easily, and melts away quicker than Frosty the Snowman in a microwave. Besides, Sarah has already written to me asking for Partisanship as her gift, and she has recently been spotted heavily armed and approaching the North Pole. I’d better oblige her on this one, since Donner and Blitzen are getting nervous.
How about a nice new electric car?
Santa
Dear Tiger,
I am in receipt of the letters of recommendation from your corporate sponsors, the President of your local HOA, and Jim Nance. It is true, you are a tradition like no other. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that you will remain on the Naughty List indefinitely, or until you win another major, whichever comes first.
S.
PS – How’s the Norwegian candy I brought you 5 years ago? Any left? If so, please leave it under the tree for me on Christmas Eve, in case I am in the neighborhood and have a craving for that sweet stuff. Ms. Claus doesn’t approve, but Christmas only comes once a year!
Dear TSA Airport Screeners,
You have a lot of nerve asking for anything else this year. I suggest you ‘stand pat’ (wink wink) with the ‘packages’ that I have already delivered to you. Keep pushing me, and I’ll send Richard Simmons on that nationwide exercise tour he’s being asking for.
S.
Dear Brett,
My, my – immortality! That’s a pretty tall order, even for Santa. Sometimes, you need to save a player from themselves, however, and I must deny your gift request. In my judgment, once you have saved and then destroyed all 32 NFL franchises one by one, you would eventually get bored and try minor league baseball. Immortality would then seem more like a curse than a Christmas present. I will put you down for a new iPad instead. It makes everything on the screen look bigger.
S.
Dear Sidney,
That’s funny – Alex Ovechkin asked for the exact same thing to happen to YOU this Christmas! Be careful, Mr. Crosby. One more Gordie Howe hat trick and you will be shifted into my penalty box – the Naughty List.
S.
Dear Glenn Beck,
I viewed your video Christmas letter. Very creative! The use of the chalkboard was quite original. Unfortunately, I have no idea what you were talking about, or what you really want. For some reason, I am very angry, though. Please resubmit.
S.
PS – I do not think that my beard makes me look dangerous, or that the twinkle in my eye makes me look shifty.
PPS – I’m Santa, not Castro. I give presents once a year, which is not the same as redistributing wealth and discouraging work….and my elves are documented.
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Ho Ho Ho, and I mean it! Your Gift List has been received, but it is currently tied up in my legal department. It seems that your requested gifts cannot be delivered to your current address. Apparently, there is some sort of court order. Perhaps I’ll substitute the “white” Christmas you requested with an appointment on Oprah’s couch.
S.
Dear Vice President Joe,
Where do you find the time to write so many letters? Based on your public use of profanity, I probably shouldn’t; however, your authentic Robin costume will be under the tree this year. Remember, you promised not to wear it during Cabinet meetings. I am certain they have a dress code in the West Wing, even for Super Heroes.
Go, Fightin’ Blue Hens!
S.
Dear Sen. McCain,
Your Christmas Wish List arrived this week. It began in a cordial, lucid and polite manner, but I must say that the more I read, the more bitter, angry and incoherent it became. What started as reasonable requests devolved into a litany of complaints and non sequiturs. Your tone was extremely argumentative, and frankly, not appreciated.
Because of your hostile letter, you will not find a new battle tank of your very own under the tree this year. Be sure to check your stocking for some extra happy pills, and a referral to a specialist I know. He has helped me through my bouts with seasonal affective disorder, and you could use the couch time. Mellow out, dude.
S.
Dear Sherrier Children,
What a lovely Christmas letter! Unfortunately, I cannot deliver a replacement for the defective paternal model in your home. Apparently, my elves were instructed to break that mold 48 years ago (part of a legal settlement, I believe). I will bring you a new TV instead. Trust me, it’s just as good if not better.
Santa Claus
No comments:
Post a Comment