Wikileaks – The Biden Files

Buried within the deluge of diplomatic cables and hidden under the treasure trove of classified information lie these juicy morsels, unreleased for public consumption – until now.  It seems that Vice President Joe Biden has some secrets, too.  The entire file is too large and too racy for this forum.  I give you below only the highlights from the Instant Messenger chat transcripts with the President:

CLASSIFIED

Biden:   Hey, Barry.  Good one.  It took me 2 years to figure out that the Middle Class Task Force you put me in charge of doesn’t exist.  There is no middle class anymore!  LOL.

Obama:  I have told you a thousand times, Joe – stop calling me Barry.

Biden:  OK, Barry ;)

Biden:  Hey, BO.  Can I play in the big game this week?  It’s a big deal, a big f***ing deal to me.  I’ve got sick ball handling skills.

Obama:  No. 

Biden:  You scared I’ll show you up?  I am a Veep Wrangler, baby, ready to drive through the lane, take the rock to the peach basket.

Obama:  Peach basket?  How old ARE you???

Biden:  I’ve been working on my game.  No daily briefings until I hit 100 free throws.  Drilling the baby hook with consistency, too.  C’mon, let me play.

Obama:  If you play, no more trash talking Scalia.  He’s pissed.

Biden:  He’s no activist judge…stands there along the baseline like a statute.  He sucks.  Does he have to wear that robe when he sits on the bench?  He’s a showboat.

Obama:  Be nice.  We need his rebounding.

Biden:  Rebounding?  Everybody knows neo-cons can’t jump, my brother.

Obama:  You are not my brother, Joe.  Cut it out.

Biden:  It’s all good, yo.

Biden:  So can I play?  I think you won’t let me play ‘cause I’m white.  I talked to Holder.  He’s with me.  That’s reverse discrimination, man!  I got a case.

Obama:  It’s not discrimination.  We just don’t need another Salami out there.  Geithner’s our Salami.  That’s our quota.

Biden:  OK, I’ll be there for warm-ups.  I’ll bring my ABA vintage ball.  It’s the schezel.

Obama:  Help me, Lord.  

Later that same day:

Biden:  Nice game, Who-Sane.  BTW, that last basket was a travel.

Obama:  No, it wasn’t.  Please call me Mr. President.

Biden:  Not a travel?  You could have walked halfway to Kenya on that last move.

Obama:  That’s a cheap shot, Joe.  I wonder if Bill Richardson is available for 2012.  At least he’s not a chucker.

Biden:  I AM NOT A CHUCKER!!!  I had open looks.  Maybe if you passed the ball once in awhile.  You were feeding the biscuit to Reid all day long.  All he did was hold the ball and stall.  He was lost out there while McConnell ran circles around him.  At least I tried to make something happen. 

Obama:  When I talk about transparency, I don't mean for you to disappear on defense.  And you missed 10 straight shots.  Why don’t you shut up and just play sometimes?

Biden:  I couldn’t concentrate out there, with Bachmann screaming “Fascist!” every time I touched the ball.  You try it.  Saw Pelosi checking me out from the bleachers.  Think she likes me?

Obama:  That is not appropriate.

Biden:  Yeah, I should just go talk to her.  Hear how she squealed when I took the charge from Boehner?  I think his bronzer stained my jersey.  Think he’ll pay the cleaning bill if I bury it into the Defense authorization?  Ha ha.  Yo, you playing poker tonight?

Obama:  Poker?  Tonight?

Biden:  Oops.

Obama:  Why wasn’t I invited?

Biden: Cantor says you run up debts you can’t pay.  Says he doesn’t want to live his life holding your IOUs. 

Obama:  Really?  He lies and he cheats.  I ought to have Hillary pay him a visit and break his thumbs.  LOL.

Biden:  Word.

Obama:  Please stop that.  You used to be so much more articulate.  What happened?
Biden:  OK, you can come, but you'll have to bring food to the table.  And not that healthy crap from Michelle's garden.  Real food - wings, chips, salsa.
Obama:  How come every time I play cards with Cantor and Boehner I have to bring something to the table.  What do they ever contribute?
Biden:  They'll bring the tea ;)  LMAO!!!!
Obama:  That's not funny, Joe.
Biden:  Lighten up, Francis.  Just keepin' it real.