Today, I lost a friend. More accurately, he “quit” me. Not in the real world sense of drifting apart or having a terminal argument about some personal or political matter between us. This was a virtual loss, and it was felt by me and approximately 500 other people, to a greater or lesser degree. One of my 144 “friends” announced that he is leaving Facebook.
He posted on his wall for all 500+ of us to see his list of 10 reasons for the decision. From time to time, I believe that we have all experienced similar thoughts and feelings about Facebook like the ones he details. He lost interest in knowing what his high school lab partner had for breakfast that particular morning. Some of his connections he didn’t really even know. He felt that he was spending time with virtual connections in exchange for quality time with the flesh and blood people that occupy his daily personal space. In short, the technology that lured him with the promise of an increased connection to people was leaving my friend more disconnected from people. Be careful what you wish for.
Now, my former “friend” had another motive for using Facebook in the first place. He was selling. I think that is part of the problem. Facebook seems to me to be about giving, not getting; sharing, not selling. I blog for myself and as a gift to those I know. I am not charging a subscription for access (yet…). It’s self-affirming, and the benefit for me is not monetary. It’s more meaningful than that. He approached FB from a different angle, to scratch a different itch, and left disappointed. Maybe he started from a point where disappointment was the inevitable destination.
Truth be told, he was more of a business acquaintance than a friend. That is not to say that I don’t like him as a person. I do. However, I have never been to his home, never met his family, and I don’t know where he grew up. We’ve never yelled at the TV together while watching an important sporting event, or confessed any private fears or personal shortcomings. That sounds more like an acquaintance to me…not that there’s anything wrong with that. I was glad to count him amongst my personal collection of 144.
I try to limit the friend list to those that are either true friends past or present, relatives (we’re stuck with those, right?), or acquaintances with potential. I guess he was in the latter grouping. All of my connections, though, have contributed to who I am, whether intentionally or not, whether for the good or not. It’s doesn’t represent everyone in or from my life, but it is a fair representative cross-section. For me, you are who you Facebook. Think about that the next time you scroll through your Friend List. Since I come from this perspective, it makes his defriending all the more relevant to me.
In an odd way, I feel a bit lonelier today. Someone has fallen off the grid. He’s gone rogue. He’s let go of whatever thin fiber of digital connection he and I had between us. I can understand his disappointment that the medium didn’t give him what he thought it had promised, but I don’t feel the same way he does. Once I got past the initial tedium of reading the minutiae of everyone’s daily inspirations, errands, dietary fiber intakes and outputs, Seinfeldian ‘observations’, and “Likes”, I began to look forward to it. For me, it provides, for a small time investment, a sense of comfort and continuity to my life. I like knowing that the people that have impacted my life in ways they can could never imagine and in ways that I could not easily quantify are OK. They continue on. They are out there (some are literally “out there”, but I’ve known that about those people for a long time, and you know who you are). Sure, I may never really know if my former high school lab partner is happy in life – I only get his links to videos of cats playing the piano – but that person is still moving forward, living his life.
On top of that, there is a weird, grounded feeling I get knowing that others are cranky in the morning, get frustrated waiting in long lines, think funny thoughts, and are proud of their kids. The realm in which we communicate may be virtual, but at least I can be reminded (poked) daily that we all participate in two competitive races together: the rat race and the human race. That’s good, and it’s real.
I wish him well without Facebook, and I will keep in touch with him through other forms of modern communication, I have no doubt. But I am sticking with this FB nonsense that I delayed joining for so long. I still have hope that it can be good and beneficial, and will do no harm. I hope I am right.
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