Happy day for Democrats and progressives. Sad day for Republicans and conservatives. End of days for Tea Party patriots. That sums up the Inaugural mood this January 21, 2013.
Four years and one day ago, I was there for the official botched swearing in (nice going, Justice Roberts) of the nation’s 44th President, Barack Obama. On that day, and that day only, there was a shared sense of national pride that a nation so defined by its racial divisions for so many years in its history had elected a black man as its President.
My buddy Tim and I celebrated the day with a chilly bike ride into the city. We reveled in the peaceful transfer of power that should be a source of national pride for all Americans. Like most memories, it is much better in retrospect. Miserable in the moment but glad we went. Soaring rhetoric and searing cold is what I recall that sunny afternoon. At the time, we were not reveling in the crowds, the cold, the trash or the Port-O-Johns. I vowed that day to wear a diaper to my next Inaugural. Yes, public facilities were that foul.
That inauguration seems like centuries ago. Since that day, we’ve had a downgrade, a recovery, a long form birth certificate, a 9-9-9 plan, 22 GOP debates, the passage of Romneycare, several mass shootings, an Arab Spring, and most importantly, a new hair style for the First Lady. History has been busy.
Since this is the anti-climactic 2nd swearing in ceremony (sequels rarely live up to the original), I did not attend. In fact, many other loyal Americans did not attend either. Here’s a sample of what some of my fellow citizens did instead:
Aging rocker Ted Nugent decided to commemorate the day by killing something with a flaming arrow and eating it.
The world’s greatest prognosticator Nate Silver spent the day hanging out with Charlie Sheen, drinking tiger blood and partying like a rock star.
Sarah Palin slipped into her NRA Snuggie and cuddled up on the couch with Todd to watch the Honey Boo Boo marathon on TLC.
Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o spent the day arguing with a campus priest about why he should continue believing in a Savior that he has never met personally and only knows through cryptic Gospel messages.
Joe Biden missed the whole day because the Secret Service changed his alarm setting from AM to PM.
Newt Gingrich was out of town serving as Master of Ceremonies for a Civil War reenactment convention in Ames, Iowa.
Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, after initially planning to be busy today, unexpectedly had a cancellation and was able to attend the inauguration with his beautiful wife, Giselle, and his entire offensive line.
Wayne LaPierre, spokesperson for the NRA, finally cut through the first layer of duct tape that has been used to hold him out of public view since his disastrous appearance on Meet the Press. He vowed once he escapes, he will seek vengeance against the fellow NRA Board members responsible for his captivity.
Texas Governor and failed Presidential candidate Rick Perry stayed home to study the list of federal agencies he planned to abolish someday. He has the first 2 down cold, but the rest are proving to be a challenge.
Jodie Foster issued a statement about the Inauguration, but we’re not really sure what it means. We think we know but it’s a bit unclear.
Bo, the First Dog, did not attend any official events. He chose to hide under the bed in the Lincoln bedroom and lick himself. I think we all know the answer to why.
Lance Armstrong did not attend the festivities but has sworn that he was going to be at the Inaugural Ball tonight. No one believes him.
Speaker of the House John Boehner couldn’t stop crying so he stayed home.
Mitt Romney was still in Massachusetts, waiting on hold for Karl Rove to come back to the phone. On November 6th, Rove told Mitt that he’d be right back after he checked with the Fox News prediction desk. Mitt has been patiently listening to the soothing sounds of Kenny G hold music through the receiver for over 2 months knowing it should only be a few more minutes, please stay on the line.
Hillary Clinton was in town, but only to measure the drapes in the Oval Office. She missed the parties. Bill went in her place and hasn’t been seen since.
That's me in 2009 walking on the frozen pond in front of Capitol. Yes I Did.