Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Heaven Sent

At the Democratic National Convention, the platform committee removed references to God.  At a Republican event soon afterwards, Mitt Romney vowed to keep God’s name on all of his currency, even his Cayman dollars.  With the name of God becoming a political football this year, it was inevitable that God would have to comment directly.  Instead of a brief statement, God has treated us to an October Surprise.

Expressing His dissatisfaction with both major party candidates for the presidency this year, God has tossed His halo into the ring and will run as an independent in November.  The shocking announcement instantly shook up the race between President Obama and Mitt Romney, both of whom had prayed for God’s endorsement over the past months.  The announcement was transcribed by Congresswoman, Michelle Bachmann, to whom God speaks directly.  

God’s ambition for the nation’s highest office was resurrected after weeks of sniping between the President Obama and Mitt Romney about His proper role in government.  After listening to both parties attempt to claim the mantle of having “God’s chosen candidate” on their side, God was convinced that He needed to intervene.

God had considered running in 2004 and 2008, but after discussions with His family, decided that He was not sufficiently conservative enough to win the GOP nomination, and was too ambivalent on tax reform to win in the Democratic primaries.  The Libertarian Party aggressively courted the Creator for their ticket, but party members preferred former Governor Gary Johnson.  With time running out and neither candidate breaking 50% in favorability polls, He decided to enter the fray as a 3rd party candidate.

While He enters the race with high name recognition, His candidacy is not without its challenges, and both Obama and Romney are quickly gearing up to take advantage of His perceived weaknesses.  Both campaigns singled out God’s preference to speak in vague platitudes.  He has been short on specifics, relying on a platform of two “principles”, namely to love Him and to love your neighbor as yourself.  Campaign observers believe that might give Him a bump initially, but He is going to have to supply some policy details.  How do these concepts inform His China policy?  Domestic energy policy?  Tax reform?  No one knows at this juncture.   

Supporters counter that His 10 point plan to reform America is filled with specifics.  It is heavy on law and order issues, such as prohibitions against killing, lying and stealing, but is designed to attract social conservatives with His commandments favoring two parent households and monogamous marriage.  Obama and Romney are expected to contend that there are no new ideas among His 10 points.  Romney has been more pointed in his criticism, stating in a press release that “There is nothing more anathema to free markets and capitalism than God’s proposed prohibition on coveting goods.  It’s reckless and anti-business.” 

President Obama piled on.  “Fear mongering about eternal damnation instead of laying out a positive vision for the next 4 years may be a way to get elected but it is no way to govern.”

Insiders for Obama and Romney believe God’s foreign policy experience can be exploited in a short campaign.  He has a consistent record of smiting His enemies while advocating a turn the other cheek diplomacy that has opposition forces yelling “Appeasement!”  And God’s uneven Middle East policies may cost Him in important swing states, such as Florida.

Seeing an opening, Mitt Romney attempted to position himself as the only real friend to Israel in the three way race.  “Obama throws Netanyahu under the bus and God lets the Israelites wander the desert for 40 years.  So who is the real friend?”

“Obama may have gone on an apology tour, but God invented the apology tour,” said one Romney surrogate.  “Saying ’forgive them for they know not what they do’ does not project strength internationally.”

With Middle East unrest continuing to fester, a campaign advisor said that God needs to distance Himself a comment made by His Son in a speech that “blessed are the peacemakers.”  The prevailing wisdom is that comments like this from someone so close to the candidate can only project weakness at a time of global unrest and embolden our enemies. 

God supporters reject this line of attack, claiming that anyone who has deployed a plague of locusts cannot be accused of being soft on terrorism.  They argue that God has nothing to prove since He has demonstrated that He is not afraid to use the power of wind, rain, and fire when challenged.

Romney staffers insisted that protesters in the Middle East would seize on His record of mushy language and threaten more U.S. personnel.  President Obama sought to straddle the middle ground and embrace the idea of blessing peacemakers while criticizing the remarks as “inarticulate and not well timed.”  This, in a nutshell, is the challenge the candidates will face in a short election cycle against a well-known late entrant like God.

Beyond policy challenges for God, He faces the daunting task of executing a strategy that sufficiently differentiates Him from Obama and Romney.  “The Father”, as He is known to campaign insiders, plans to humanize Himself by focusing public attention on His Family and their working class roots.  He plans to re-introduce His family to the public using simple media, such as imprinting their images on pieces of toast and other mundane household objects.  Ultimately, insiders concede that God’s hopes are pinned on a plurality of voters clinging to their religion once they enter the voting booth.

In order to improve the tenor of the campaigns for the remainder of the season, God is seeking the High Ground.  He has issued a pledge to both Obama and Romney that He would not take either of their names in vain if they would both agree to extend the same courtesy.  The other campaigns have not yet responded.

One undecided voter summed up the situation this way: “He’s no Ross Perot, that’s for sure.”

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