At the Democratic National Convention, the
platform committee removed references to God.
At a Republican event soon afterwards, Mitt Romney vowed to keep God’s
name on all of his currency, even his Cayman dollars. With the name of God becoming a political
football this year, it was inevitable that God would have to comment
directly. Instead of a brief statement,
God has treated us to an October Surprise.
Expressing His dissatisfaction with both major
party candidates for the presidency this year, God has tossed His halo into the
ring and will run as an independent in November. The shocking announcement instantly shook up
the race between President Obama and Mitt Romney, both of whom had prayed for
God’s endorsement over the past months.
The announcement was transcribed by Congresswoman, Michelle Bachmann, to
whom God speaks directly.
God’s ambition for the nation’s highest office was
resurrected after weeks of sniping between the President Obama and Mitt Romney
about His proper role in government.
After listening to both parties attempt to claim the mantle of having
“God’s chosen candidate” on their side, God was convinced that He needed to
intervene.
God had considered running in 2004 and 2008, but
after discussions with His family, decided that He was not sufficiently
conservative enough to win the GOP nomination, and was too ambivalent on tax
reform to win in the Democratic primaries.
The Libertarian Party aggressively courted the Creator for their ticket,
but party members preferred former Governor Gary Johnson. With time running out and neither candidate
breaking 50% in favorability polls, He decided to enter the fray as a 3rd
party candidate.
While He enters the race with high name
recognition, His candidacy is not without its challenges, and both Obama and
Romney are quickly gearing up to take advantage of His perceived weaknesses. Both campaigns singled out God’s preference
to speak in vague platitudes. He has
been short on specifics, relying on a platform of two “principles”, namely to
love Him and to love your neighbor as yourself.
Campaign observers believe that might give Him a bump initially, but He
is going to have to supply some policy details.
How do these concepts inform His China policy? Domestic energy policy? Tax reform?
No one knows at this juncture.
Supporters counter that His 10 point plan to
reform America
is filled with specifics. It is heavy on
law and order issues, such as prohibitions against killing, lying and stealing,
but is designed to attract social conservatives with His commandments favoring
two parent households and monogamous marriage.
Obama and Romney are expected to contend that there are no new ideas
among His 10 points. Romney has been
more pointed in his criticism, stating in a press release that “There is
nothing more anathema to free markets and capitalism than God’s proposed
prohibition on coveting goods. It’s
reckless and anti-business.”
President Obama piled on. “Fear mongering about eternal damnation
instead of laying out a positive vision for the next 4 years may be a way to
get elected but it is no way to govern.”
Insiders for Obama and Romney believe God’s
foreign policy experience can be exploited in a short campaign. He has a consistent record of smiting His
enemies while advocating a turn the other cheek diplomacy that has opposition
forces yelling “Appeasement!” And God’s uneven
Middle East policies may cost Him in important swing states, such as Florida.
Seeing an opening, Mitt Romney attempted to
position himself as the only real friend to Israel in the three way race. “Obama throws Netanyahu under the bus and God
lets the Israelites wander the desert for 40 years. So who is the real friend?”
“Obama may have gone on an apology tour, but God
invented the apology tour,” said one Romney surrogate. “Saying ’forgive them for they know not what
they do’ does not project strength internationally.”
With Middle East
unrest continuing to fester, a campaign advisor said that God needs to distance
Himself a comment made by His Son in a speech that “blessed are the
peacemakers.” The prevailing wisdom is
that comments like this from someone so close to the candidate can only project
weakness at a time of global unrest and embolden our enemies.
God supporters reject this line of attack,
claiming that anyone who has deployed a plague of locusts cannot be accused of
being soft on terrorism. They argue that
God has nothing to prove since He has demonstrated that He is not afraid to use
the power of wind, rain, and fire when challenged.
Romney staffers insisted that protesters in the
Middle East would seize on His record of mushy language and threaten more U.S.
personnel. President Obama sought to
straddle the middle ground and embrace the idea of blessing peacemakers while
criticizing the remarks as “inarticulate and not well timed.” This, in a nutshell, is the challenge the
candidates will face in a short election cycle against a well-known late
entrant like God.
Beyond policy challenges for God, He faces the
daunting task of executing a strategy that sufficiently differentiates Him from
Obama and Romney. “The Father”, as He is
known to campaign insiders, plans to humanize Himself by focusing public attention
on His Family and their working class roots.
He plans to re-introduce His family to the public using simple media,
such as imprinting their images on pieces of toast and other mundane household
objects. Ultimately, insiders concede
that God’s hopes are pinned on a plurality of voters clinging to their religion
once they enter the voting booth.
In order to improve the tenor of the campaigns
for the remainder of the season, God is seeking the High Ground. He has issued a pledge to both Obama and
Romney that He would not take either of their names in vain if they would both
agree to extend the same courtesy. The
other campaigns have not yet responded.
One undecided voter summed up the situation this
way: “He’s no Ross Perot, that’s for sure.”
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