Thursday, September 20, 2012

Costume Decision 2012

Halloween is a time when we all enjoy a good scare, and what could be scarier than the fall Presidential election season.  When the weather turns cold and the leaves change colors, creatures like blood sucking politicos and zombie campaign surrogates come out of the darkness through our TV sets to spook us with tales of death panels and fiscal cliffs.  On Halloween, the scares are contrived.  When the election is upon us, the fears may be real.  By the morning of November 7th, we will either all be forced to endure a slow march towards a socialist dictatorship led by the anti-Christ, or we will be forced to watch the Magician of Massachusetts turn back the hands of time on 50 years of social progress.  Boo!

Politics and Halloween have much in common.  Both offer good excuses to pretend we are something we are not.  Both involve going door to door asking for things to which we are not entitled.  Both are multi-billion dollar industries.  Both have pumpkin heads in common.  Both can be fun as long as you don’t take them too seriously.

This Halloween, political monsters across the country are looking for a competitive edge for their candidates and for their costumes.  I can’t help them with their candidates who may speak “inarticulately”, but I can offer some suggestions on this year’s hottest costumes:

Scary Costumes:  Conservatives will favor the Obama costume this year as the best option to scare their neighbors.  This is the 4th year in a row that the Obama costume tops the list on Fright Night for Republican partygoers.  Add a 6 foot scythe to unambiguously associate fear and death with Obama. 

Liberals will understandably counter with the scary Mitt Romney costume, albeit with a twist.  The liberal version of the Mitt costume will feature a face on the front and back of the mask.  Spice up the look by carrying a copy of Mitt’s Michigan birth certificate.  Funny AND scary! 

Scary, but Not Recommended:  Gentlemen looking to meet a nice girl at the local Halloween bash should shy away from the infamous Rep. Todd Akin costume this year.  While you may see the humor in impersonating a man who believes that pregnancy is impossible as a result of forcible rape, the ladies may not appreciate your wry sense of humor.

Sexy Costumes:  Every Halloween, the sexy costumes are top sellers for good reason.  84% of likely voters prefer sex, and 68% of those like the idea of incorporating some kind of mask.  For the conservative man, the Paul Ryan get-up is the pro choice.  Throw in a vintage Santorum sweater vest, and the ladies will know your faith is strong and your pectorals are divine. 

Liberal ladies, nothing says ‘available’ this Halloween like a Sandra Fluke ensemble.  The men will testify to your fortitude while you ‘re being called a slut, all in good fun of course.  Throw on a pair of Tina Fey glasses if you’re feeling sassy. 

Anthony Weiner costumes are so 2011.

Funny Costumes:  There are several conservatives out there with a sense of humor, and for you, we have several madcap selections.  For starters, consider the Newt Gingrich as Astronaut costume.  Stuff a few pillows under your shirt to expand your profile and wear a fishbowl on your head or perhaps a halo of stars and planets.  Enlist some friends and have your own moon colonists bar crawl. 

Liberals are encouraged to dress like the Timman from The Wizard of Oz and add a Romney mask to complete the look.  Your progressive friends will get the joke – two characters without a heart in one costume.  For a more nuanced choice, you could invent your own version of Mitt Romney as a Latino (watch his 47% video to get the joke).

No one will know who you are but you’ll feel clever Costumes – Conservatives can give their friends a fright when they arrive at the big costume party dressed as Saul Alinsky, complete with worker gray shirt, fedora and round Commie spectacles.   Liberal ladies, scare their party guests with a custom Ayn Rand mask and convince your date to don the John Galt look.  No one will have any idea what your costume represents, but you’ll have a great conversation starter.

Just Spitballing Here Costumes – Dress up as this campaign season’s biggest star: SuperPAC Man.  This costume requires a little imagination and even less expense.  Throw a white sheet over your head, cut out 2 eye holes, and voila!  You are a Pacman.  Now eat the truth and you're a SuperPAC Man.

Wrap yourself in a piece of cylindrical card stock held up by some suspenders, write Pepsi on the front, add a giant straw and go out as a 20 oz. soda.  Tell your friends that next year, you’ll be banned.

Seamus breaking out of his cage is a can’t miss laugh riot.  Consider going as an empty chair.  It’s easier to pull off than you might think.  Go as Bibi Netinyahu  with a toy bus on your head.

Wear your regular clothes but grab every girl you meet.  Why?  You’re the Invisible Hand of the free market.  Want to go out with me?

Finally, there is always the old standby – a ghost.  That’s right, George Bush or Jimmy Carter.  Both are haunting the current candidates, right?

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