Claus Announces Independent Bid
Tonight a cold wind is blowing across the declared presidential field of 2012. That’s not Jack Frost nipping at their noses. It’s potentially the most electric candidate in recent memory nipping at their heels.
Today as expected, Santa Claus has announced his candidacy for the Presidency, and he will run as an independent. His entry into the muddled field will surely cause a shiver throughout the electorate as voters take measure of the man’s positions and electability.
Santa Claus has been in the public eye for centuries, but much of what is known about his political leanings is culled from rumor, myth, and legend. It is thought that he is pro-business and pro-free trade while also supporting universal health care and strict measures to combat global climate change. In the coming weeks, he will be forced to provide the public with more specific policies to address the economy, immigration, and the stubborn gridlock on Capitol Hill. The intense scrutiny of a national campaign will also test his famous jolly, twinkled eyed demeanor.
At a hastily arranged news conference at his North Pole workshop, surrounded by elves and reindeer and flanked by Mrs. Claus, Santa rallied the crowd with his signature battle cry, “Ho Ho Ho!”, and then launched into a full-throated rationale for his insurgent campaign.
“I’ve been checking my list, checking it twice, and I am here to report that naughty lives in Washington these days, and I think it is time for nice to rule again!” His belly shook like a bowl full of jelly as the audience roared their approval. He appeared fit and handsome, wearing his classic red suit with white fur trim, black boots and white gloves. His beard was freshly trimmed.
Experts view Santa as a real wild card in the race, potentially siphoning votes away from both Obama and the GOP nominee in a general election three-way match up.
“The youth vote is no longer in Obama’s camp once Santa comes sliding in on his sleigh,” bemoaned James Carville, “But the seniors don’t tend to believe in Santa. Those folks are gonna take so convincing before they vote for him. This will be no holiday for Santa.”
Mary Matalin, Republican strategist, was more direct. “This is Santa’s race to lose. He’s got the women’s vote all but assured. There is something about a man in uniform bearing gifts that is irresistible.”
Karl Rove offered muted praise for ol’ St. Nick. “I supported him as a naïve little boy. I am sure that many people did. Look, the Christian Right should flock to the guy, but his peak month of popularity is December. How that support translates in November when the chips are on the line is still left to be determined.”
Rove went even further and questioned whether Claus was up to the rigors of daily campaigning at his advanced age, some report to be as old as 410 years. “A presidential campaign isn’t some one day sprint across the world in a sleigh. It’s a marathon. You have to pull your own weight and not expect reindeer with red noses to suddenly bail you out and point you in the right direction.”
The candidates themselves went on the attack to dampen any post-announcement boost for Santa in the polls.
“Today another ‘spread the wealth’ candidate joins Barack Obama on the side of giveaways and entitlements to those who contribute the least to society,” pontificated Newt Gingrich. “At least, unlike the President, Santa wears his Communist Red on the outside for all to see. I think the contrast between my vision for a plutocracy and his vision for a world of candy canes and ice cream will present a stark choice for Americans.”
Rick Perry questioned Santa’s eligibility to hold the nation’s highest office. “I haven’t seen a birth certificate, have you? He might as well be the Easter Bunny for all we really know about the man.”
Ron Paul portrayed Santa Claus as the ultimate enemy of freedom and liberty. “If you want a government that knows when you’ve been sleeping and knows when you’re awake, then he is your candidate. Frankly, I think it is un-American and threatens our way of life. I think it IS time to pout and it IS time to cry if Santa Claus comes to the town of Washington, D.C.”
Mitt Romney was more conciliatory. “I credit the man with creating jobs every year, and driving demand for goods. That’s good capitalism. I hope during the campaign we don’t find out that some of those elves running around his workshop are working illegals. Trust me, that can be embarrassing!”
Santa enters the race with instant credibility on a number of key issues, including global climate change and international affairs. His headquarters has been threatened by the thinning of the polar ice cap, and he has visited every country on the planet at least once every year. He is also fluent in 185 languages, including American Sign and Occupy Wall Street hand symbols. Combined with his status as a global icon, his run for the White House cannot be underestimated. He is projected to be a nimble and quick adversary in the debates.
After Santa’s address, his surrogates quickly worked the assembled media to tamp down any lingering rumors that Santa once was caught kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe, wary that stories of Herman Cain’s dalliances derailed his fledging campaign in November.
“The poor child, God bless him, was bleary eyed and tired. He can’t be sure what he saw. What we do know is that Mrs. Claus has vowed to stand by her man, and that should be good enough for everyone.”
His staff also dismissed questions about his rotundity, calling those inquiries “personal” and borderline discriminatory. They assured the assembled media that his medical records would be released in the near future to quell any concerns that he is up to the job. “If the man can circumvent the planet in one night, he can certainly handle a few meet-and-greets in the 99 counties of Iowa over a 2 week period.”
Santa also introduced his first campaign slogan, an obvious tweak at the sitting President: “Ho Ho Hope and Change”.