Like most Americans, I fell asleep in front of the TV this
holiday with A Christmas Story in
endless loop on TBS. I have that
inalienable right as an American. While
watching Ralphie and his quixotic quest for a Red Ryder 200-shot range model air
rifle with compass in the stock, I couldn’t help but dream about another man’s
quest for access to the weapons of his dreams.
A Christmas Story
starring Wayne LaPierre, NRA executive mouth piece
Opens with shot of
downtown decorated for the holidays
(Wayne’s Voice Over): Ah, there it is. My house. And good old K Street. How could
I ever forget it?
And there I am, with that dumb round face and that stupid
stocking cap. But no matter. Christmas
was on its way. Lovely, glorious,
beautiful Christmas around which the entire kid year revolved.
Downtown Washington
was prepared for its yearly bacchanalia of peace on earth and good will to men. Wal Mart's corner window was traditionally a
high-water mark of the pre-Christmas season.
First nighters, packed earmuff to earmuff, jostled in wonderment before
a golden tinkling display of mechanized, electronic joy.
Wayne, hunters, and
sportsmen pressed up against window glass
(Wayne’s Voice Over): Wow, there it is. The holy grail of Christmas gifts. The Red
Ryder 200-shot range model air rifle.
And there he is. Red
Ryder himself. In his hand was the
knurled stock of as coolly deadly-looking a piece of weaponry as ever I had
laid eyes on. For weeks, I had been
scheming to get my mitts on one of these fearsome blue-steel beauties. My fevered brain seethed with the effort of
trying to come up with the infinitely subtle devices necessary to implant the
Red Ryder range model air rifle indelibly into my parents' subconscious.
It was at this very moment that I vowed to spend my life
fighting any forces that would infringe upon my future ownership of this, or
any other, weapon of death or the high capacity magazines that make them
special.
Maybe what happened next was inevitable.
Wayne’s Mom:
Wayne,
what would you like for Christmas?
(Wayne’s Voice Over): Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out.
Wayne:
I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air
rifle...and the unlimited inalienable rights to the future ownership of high
capacity magazines to support the defensive purpose of my beloved weapon.
Wayne’s Mom:
No. Shoot your eye out…and high capacity magazines are unnecessary for
hunting or adequate home defense.
(Wayne’s Voice Over): Oh, no! It was the classic mother and liberal
pacifist-loving-BB gun/gun control block.
Wayne’s Mom:
You'll shoot your eye out...and potentially kill dozens.
(Wayne’s Voice Over): That deadly phrase uttered many times before
by hundreds of mothers and hippies was not surmountable by any means known to
kid-dom or the vast Right Wing-dom.
But such was my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine and
unfettered future access to the guns and ammo of my choice that I immediately
began to rebuild the dike.
Wayne:
I was just kidding. Even though Flick is getting one. And criminals can get them anytime they want. I'd just like some Tinkertoys.
(Wayne’s Voice Over): I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinkertoys? She'd never buy it.
Wayne’s Mom:
BB guns are dangerous.
Statistically, you are 12 times more likely to be shot if you own a gun
than not. I don't want anyone shooting
his eye out...or shooting dozens in a violent rage.
(Wayne’s Voice Over): Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders
burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen where only you, and you alone,
stand between your tiny huddled family and insensate evil.
Wayne’s imaginative dream sequence begins with Wayne dressed as a cowboy
Wayne’s Dad (from under the kitchen table): Save us, Wayne! I just knew those bad guys would be coming
for us in the end!
Wayne:
Don't worry, Dad. As long as I got OI' Blue...What've we got here,
folks?
Wayne’s Dad:
Well, we figure it's Black Bart, Wayne.
Wayne:
Well, just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range
model air rifle and my high capacity extra clip. Lucky I've got a compass in the stock.
Well, I think I better have a look here.
Bad Guys (holding
pro-union picket signs): Oh, no! It's OI' Blue! Oh, no! Cheese it, boys!
Wayne’s Dad:
There's another one! He's a dead-eye, ain't he?
Black Bart: Okay, Wayne! You win this time, but we'll be back!
Wayne:
Adios, Bart. But if you do come
back, you'll be pushing up daisies! And
don't you forget it!
Wayne’s Dad:
Well, son, you saved us! We were
goners for sure! And you saved us!
After a brief
commercial break, we open with young Wayne
sitting in school
Wayne’s Teacher: Now, boys and girls, I'm going to give you an
assignment. I want you to write a theme. "What I want for Christmas."
The clouds lifted.
Wayne’s Teacher: And I want it handed in
tomorrow morning (she slides her jacket aside to reveal the Glock she carries
to protect herself and to occasionally threaten the children)
(Wayne’s Voice Over): I saw a faint gleam of light at the other
end of the black cave of doom. I knew
that when my teacher read my magnificent, eloquent theme that she would
sympathize with my plight and everything would work out, somehow. Today I had serious work to do.
Wayne thinking and writing
"What I want for Christmas."
(Wayne’s Voice Over): What I want is a Red Ryder BB gun with a
compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. And the unlimited inalienable rights to the
future ownership of high capacity magazines to support the defensive purpose of
my beloved weapons.
Wow, that's great.
Wayne (writing): I think that everybody should have a Red
Ryder BB gun….and the unlimited inalienable rights to the future ownership of
high capacity magazines to support the defensive purpose of my beloved weapon. They're very good for Christmas. I don't think that a football's a very good
Christmas present….although the gun metaphors in the game of football are very
much appreciated.
(Wayne’s Voice Over): Oh, rarely had the words poured from my
penny pencil with such feverish fluidity.
I've won! I've won!
Now I am ready for my Meet
the Press interview. I might be
crazy, but I think it’s going to be great.
************************************************************************
I woke up in a cold sweat.
It wasn’t a nightmare. This
really happened! I can only hope that
the story has a happy ending for the country.
For the record, air rifles for everyone is fine with me.
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