Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Jets Ask, "Where was God?"

The tragedy that is the 2012 New York Jets football team can be blamed on one indisputable reason: the systematic removal of God from the football fields of America.

So says third string quarterback/special teams utility player, Tim Tebow.  On ESPN’s Sports is My Religion program, Tebow said during an interview that had God been more welcome within the NFL, the carnage of horrific Jet defeats week after week might have been avoided.  

Host George Foreman, himself an ordained minister and veteran of sports violence, asked Tebow directly if the Jets’ tragedy can be blamed on secular forces within the NFL.

"Well, you know, it's an interesting thing,” he began.  “We ask why there is violence against us but we have systematically removed God from MetLife Stadium and other NFL venues. Should we be so surprised that the football field would become a place of carnage, particularly for our anemic offense?”

Tebow described the culture of the Jets locker room as a den of inequity, a place where God would not be welcomed and embraced.  If God was not welcomed there, he suggested, why would He show up on Sundays to support the team?

“He sucks,” said super fan Fireman Ed when reached by phone.  “How could he say that God has been removed from Jets games?  I hear God’s name being shouted out left and right whenever the offensive line allows another sack or the corners drop an easy interception.  I’ve heard God and Jesus shouted more this season than ever before, and that includes during the Rich Kotite era.”

Roger Goddell, who actually has the name of God within his own name, chastised Tebow for his comments about the Jets’ massacre.

“Contrary to myth, players can pray before, during, and after games, so long as it's not disruptive to the fan experience. They can say grace before meals, they can invite teammates to religious services, and they can form post-season religious clubs.  All of this is legal right now, under existing law and court precedents, and suggesting that anyone has tried to "systematically remove" God from New York Jets’ facilities or any other team facilities is just plain wrong.  I may fine the punk, just because I can.”

Some fans disagree with Tebow and think that the absence of God is not to blame for the Jets’ 2012 disaster.  These fans contend that the Jets needed to be armed with weapons to fight back.

“If the Jets had been armed like the other teams coming at them, they might have had a chance,” argued Vinnie Della Ducca, a local Secaucus bookie.  “As it was, they were too easy to victimize.  The other teams coming to play the Jets, they knew Tebow and his boys couldn’t fight back.  How horrible for the fans that had to hide and listen while their team was defeated over and over.  They may never recover emotionally.”

Tebow did say that His God was a Merciful God and would comfort the team and its fans in their darkest hour of all-too-familiar postseason mourning. 

"You know, God didn’t play football. He didn't go to college for free memorabilia and complimentary tattoos. But God will be there in the form of a lot people with hugs and with therapy and a whole lot of ways in which I think he will be involved in the aftermath of this lost Jets season.  Mainly, His Hand will be involved in the mercy firing Rex Ryan and finding a new team for Mark Sanchez.” 

Politically, Tebow's comments have been lambasted as the final verbal throws of a failed career in New York, a desperate Hail Mary of spiritual excuses.  Many are accusing him of exploiting the violent tragedy of a Jets’ season to push a bogus culture war agenda.  His critics point out that Tebow is probably using God as an excuse for his inability to throw a 15 yard out with any accuracy or velocity.

Tebow supporters, however, think he is on to something.

“If you watched the Jets-Titans game on Monday night, you cannot tell me that God was present.  That muffed snap at the end of the game was the work of Satan, no question,” cried Joe Willie Namath, himself an agent of secular debauchery and a sinner of great renown. 
“How about a little kiss?” he slobbered.

Namath finally added, “If God felt welcome at professional football games, one thing is certain – the Cowboys would never win another game.”

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