Given the way American politics function, here is what I
expect to read on January 1, 2013:
Economy Falls Off
Cliff; Nation Mourns
Unable to reach an agreement on tax increases and spending
cuts for the coming fiscal year, the U.S. economy fell off the fiscal
cliff today, hurling head first into the abyss of a recession. The economy is not expected to recover from
its injuries.
Congressional Democrats immediately made public statements
to denounce the violence against our economy and vowed to introduce legislation
“in the near future” to combat future cliff dives.
“The fall over fiscal cliff was entirely preventable if we
would have had the political courage to take steps that most Americans agree do
not infringe on individual rights,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi. “We must not be cowed by special interest at
this time of national tragedy. We must
act, and the innocent victims of this senseless economic attack demand that we
act.”
Rep. Pelosi read the names aloud of the victims of the
fiscal cliff in a solemn ceremony in the House chamber.
“Medicaid recipients…the elderly…the unemployed…residents of
California…employees
of Lockheed Martin…”
Republican Speaker John Boehner took offense to Pelosi’s
grandstanding, calling her statements
“shameless politicizing” when we should be joining together to mourn the
untimely end of our nation’s economic growth.
“It is too soon to be suggesting legislative remedies to
this tragedy when families are still openly grieving the loss of government
support and government contractors are grieving the loss of lucrative contracts
for obsolete military hardware. Emotions
are too raw,” he said through visible tears, “and we need a sufficient period
of reflection before moving forward on fiscal cliff solutions. I mean, our economy has only been buried for
one day.”
Sen. Mitch McConnell chimed in from the Senate chamber and
expressed his belief that the Democrats were exploiting the economic tragedy
solely for partisan gain.
“It is a sadly predictable knee-jerk reaction to any event
like this from the Democrats – ‘we need different laws’. Well, I say that if every citizen was armed
with the pride of rugged individualism that comes from self-employment, we
wouldn’t need different laws. No one
would dare threaten an American with a fiscal cliff if they knew that every
American was carrying his own weight.”
Democrats countered that enforcing laws already on the books
would be acceptable to them, if that included the expiration of the Bush tax
cuts for high earners that were schedule by law to end December 31, 2012.
Some legislators were willing in the wake of the economic
carnage to consider reasonable changes to existing law. One such proposal included a ban on verbal
assaults on those who suggest an increase to the retirement age or an increase
in the top tax rate to Clinton-era levels.
The Verbal Assault ban has never garnered more than a handful of votes
in Congress, but now that the economy has fallen off the cliff, proponents are
optimistic that a ban has momentum.
Republicans disagreed.
“It’s too soon to talk about that. Democrats are so insensitive. This economic catastrophe deserves a
dignified period of bereavement.”
Democrats disagreed.
“When is it ever the right time to talk about these
issues? We think it best to talk now,
before another fiscal year is sacrificed needlessly over the cliff. We owe it to our children.”
Grieving citizens, including the families of the victims of
the economic calamity, started a makeshift memorial outside the Capitol in Washington, DC,
placing paystubs from former jobs and stacks of mortgage delinquency notices on
the steps. Pictures of those missing
since the national fall off of the cliff were hung on lampposts across Constitution Avenue.
Said one despondent mourner, “It didn’t have to be this
way. U.S. economy, we will miss you.”
Congressional talks with the White House are expected to
resume on solving this issue after a series of memorial services are held for the
first victims - responsibility, fairness and common sense.
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