Thursday, March 22, 2012

Welcome to Hell

The trade of Tim Tebow from the Denver Broncos to the New York Jets was finally completed today after Jets owner Woody Johnson agreed to financial concessions with the Broncos late in the day.  The trade was temporarily on hold after it was first announced yesterday when word leaked that Tim Tebow was a devout Christian.  It was feared by many within the Jets organization that Tebow’s Christian beliefs and values would negatively impact locker room unit cohesion with the franchise that revels in its reputation as a godless, immoral haven for sinners and atheists.  Once the players and ownership received verbal commitments that Tebow would tone down his proselytizing and set a less positive example for kids next season, the deal was signed.
Pro football insiders viewed the addition of Tebow to the Jets roster as an attempt by Woody Johnson to bring traditional Christian values to a franchise that is more closely identified with Satan than the Savior.  Johnson denied the assertion.

“We wanted Tim Tebow for his athletic ability, his pinpoint passing accuracy, and his pocket presence.  It is true that we hesitated when it was reported that Tebow signed a pledge never to score before marriage.  Frankly, we need a quarterback who will score as often as possible, like Joe Willie Namath did during his heyday.  Once we received assurances that Tebow will do everything in his power score while a member of the Jets, we moved forward and we couldn’t be happier.”

Tebow steps into a locker room steeped in a rich and colorful tradition, filled with ex-cons, sexual deviants, and hedonistic characters.  Assuming he can ignore his moral compass and his impulses to act in a responsible, mature manner, it is hoped that he can thrive in the heat of New York.

His new teammates sound ready to step up and help.  Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie, a father of 9 children from 8 different women, says he is excited to help Tebow acclimate to the pressures of living and working in the Big Apple. 
“T-Bone says he’ll score when he gets here, so we’ll help him score.  [Expletive], not like that [expletive] Tom Brady.  That [expletive] has only one bastard kid. Not much of a man if you ask me.   Christ, I rather lose 45-3 then be subjected to that sort of embarrassment.  [Expletive].” 
Center Nick Mangold and offensive tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson said they heard on Twitter that Tebow doesn’t believe in protection, so they offered some friendly advice to their new quarterback.
“He may not have used protection in Denver, but here in New York, he can’t score without it.  We’ve seen the film.  If he is under pressure, he pulls out and takes matters into his own hands.  I’d rather he be a man and stay in there.  Tim, don’t worry.  We’ll give you enough protection so you can stay inside [the pocket] for a long, long time.”

Convicted felon and star wide receiver Plaxico Burress has agreed to resign with the Jets to be Tebow’s roommate on road trips.  “The first thing we do with new players before we even give them a playbook is to buy them a hooker and a Glock.  Hope he’s cool with that.”

Last year’s 3rd round pick, Kenrick Ellis, also sent words of encouragement to Tebow.  “Man, the girls in New York will knock you out!”   Ellis is busy this offseason preparing for a July trial date for a malicious wounding felony charge, and he plays football when not honing his legal skills.

When it comes to succeeding in The City That Never Sleeps, it appears that Tim Tebow will have more than a prayer.  He will have a loyal gang of players to support him.

The coaching staff however was caught by surprise by the addition of a 3rd quarterback to the team depth chart that already includes Mark Sanchez and Drew Stanton.  When he was informed of the trade, fiery Jets coach Rex Ryan was quoted as muttering, “What the [expletive]?” 

Ryan, well known for his bombast during game preparations, his creative defensive schemes, and his sexual predilection for women’s shoes (as plastered all over You Tube), eventually came around to embrace his new player. 

“We can tolerate the grandstanding, we can tolerate the commercial pandering, hell – even the virginity thing can be cool.  But one thing I know for sure – God in the locker room of the New York Jets is the first ingredient for the coming of The Rapture, and I for one say ‘Bring It On!’  The J-E-T-S Jets will kick its [expletive] [expletive]”.

New York Jets assistant coach Sal Alosi, who was suspended for intentionally tripping a Miami Dolphins player who was running along the sidelines while covering a punt, was also positive about the new quarterback.  “He already knows how to win the right way.  We’ll teach him how to win like a Jet.”

Not every Jets player was upbeat about Tebow leaving Denver.  Cornerback Darrelle Revis was one player saddened by the news. 

“Man, I will miss playing against Tebow.  He was my favorite opposing quarterback.  Now I’ll have to wait ‘til we play Rex Grossman to pad my stats.”

Tebow was mobbed by reporters in Denver as he left a Rick Santorum campaign rally, and made a few remarks. 

“It’s still a shock, but this is the Lord’s Plan for me.  I was humbled that former Jets players, like Brett Favre, were kind enough to text me congratulations.  Mr. Favre even sent me information on his local personal contacts in the city.  I appreciated that, because like he says, there is nothing like a good massage after a tough game.  You definitely don’t want to stiffen up.”

Tebow admitted that he has a lot to learn about his new destination, and he has some trepidation.  “Is there really a place called Hell’s Kitchen there?”

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