Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Vacation Announcement

Special to MSRP:

John Calipari likes to stay one step ahead of his competition, and today he took one giant step to get ahead his greatest nemesis, the NCAA Compliance Committee.

In anticipation of being caught for multiple recruiting violations in the near future, the University of Kentucky men’s basketball coach has decided to voluntarily vacate the 2012 NCAA National Championship title that his Wildcats are sure to win on Monday night.  The move to vacate a national title that has not yet been won is unprecedented, but so are the dozens of violations that have yet to be uncovered at Kentucky this season.

“I’m a realist”, said the successful coach and serial cheater.  “They caught up to me at the University of Massachusetts when I knew about Marcus Camby’s dealings with an agent that made him ineligible.  They caught up to me at the University of Memphis when I helped Derrick Rose cheat on his SATs.  It would only be a matter of time before the NCAA investigators discovered that we funnel thousands of dollars in cash from avid Rupp Arena boosters to my top recruits.  By vacating the title now, I’ve beaten the NCAA at its own game.”

“I am self-vacating.”

Rumors have swirled since Calipari’s arrival in Lexington in 2009 that his history of leading basketball programs that consistently ignore the rules of the NCAA would continue and ultimately stain the proud Lexington institution.  While no proof has been presented as of yet that Calipari arranged for cars, vacations, and jewelry for players, and no proof exists that high school recruits were allowed to watch the team cheerleaders shower after a game last fall, Calipari’s proactive announcement would seem to provide all the proof that is necessary to the governing body of the so-called ‘amateur’ sport.

The NCAA responded quickly.  “We applaud Coach Calipari’s announcement to vacate the 2012 National Championship title because it saves thousands of dollars and countless investigative hours looking into allegations that we all know are true.  Those savings can be put back into our programs that support student-athletes across America, and into our annual royalty payments to David Barrett, one-hit wonder composer of the tournament’s signature tune, “One Shining Moment”. 
The player-victims on Calipari’s team vowed to play hard this weekend, despite knowing that their all but certain victory by double digits over Louisville and the Ohio State/Kansas winner would be expunged from the records books.

Projected first round draft pick Anthony Davis spoke for his teammates.  “Having the championship be in a book somewhere that no one would ever read would be cool and all, but we need to stay focused on the task at hand and not worry about the distractions.  We’ve got to play hard.  America and Nike will be watching to see what we’re made of.  That’s what my agent tells me, and he’s right.”  Davis then sped away in his 2012 limited edition Ferrari Enzo to prepare for the upcoming weekend.

“Regardless of what the record books will say, we still get to keep the money, right?” asked Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, starting forward.  Kidd-Gilchrist is currently studying Applied Gaming (AG) at the University, and he spoke to reporters during a break from preparing for his X Box 360 final.

“Did they find out about the hookers yet?”

Calipari believes that this preemptive move demonstrates a valuable lesson in honesty to his young players.  “If you come clean early, you might not have to change jobs right away.  That kind of lesson will help them during their brief stints as ESPN-U college basketball analysts.” 

Louisville head coach Rick Pitino was surprised by the announcement coming so close to the Final Four weekend.  “Paying players is wrong?  I’ll get back to you.  No comment.”

Kansas coach Bill Self and Ohio State coach Thad Matta, representing the other 2 teams in the Final Four, issued a joint statement reminding fans that neither team had a chance to win the title on the court, so the Calipari announcement was a welcome diversion from that disappointing reality.  “Perhaps the analysts will stop comparing us to the Washington Generals for the rest of the week.”

CBS announced that the games will be played despite Calipari's admission, just in case.  

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