Monday, January 9, 2012

Tebow Wins New Hampshire Primary

January 10, 2012:  In a stunning turn of events in New Hampshire, Tim Tebow, quarterback of the Denver Broncos and devout Christian, has won the Republican presidential primary for 2012.  Tebow, who experts gave no chance of winning, ascended to the top position in the voting by besting more seasoned and better prepared rivals.  While not actually on the ballot, a strong write in campaign caught fire in the final days, catapulting him to first place even though he has never declared himself to be a candidate.  His last minute victory is being described as the first ever Political Hail Mary, and he is glad his supporters were there to make the play in the end zone. 
Tebow spoke to a spontaneous flash mob assembled on a hillside in Denver after Fox News declared him the winner.  “I’d first like to thank…,” a surprised Tebow began, but his sentence was finished by his rabid fans yelling in unison, “Jesus!”

“Actually,” he joked, “I was going to say a historically weak field of candidates.”

“Blessed are the voters of New Hampshire, for they will see a Republican in the White House in November.”  He then fell to one knee in the classic Tebow pose before his newly found disciples distributed fish and loaves of bread to the hungry masses.

For weeks, pundits have questioned whether his awkward delivery and his professional naiveté on the largest playing field in the world would derail any chances of his being accepted as The One, but just as he has done in sports, he has silenced his critics with a last minute drive that put him over the top in this important early state.  He was credited with running a clean campaign, always staying within bounds and never being penalized by the voters for unsportsmanlike behavior like some of his competitors.  Still, experts wonder if he can keep winning.

“If this nomination battle rolls into the late stages, or even turns into overtime, watch out.  If you allow him to stick around, Tebow knows how to win,” said Ben Roethlisberger through his tears.

His political opponents responded quickly.  Rick Perry, who was hoping that his political fortunes would be resurrected in the Granite State, was despondent in the loss.  “I prayed for a miracle here, but maybe I should have been more specific with the Lord.  I was talking about my campaign.”

Newt Gingrich went on the attack immediately.  “He never declared as a candidate because he was scared.  He knew if he came to New Hampshire personally that the media would crucify him.  Sure, they would throw palm branches in his path at first, but they would turn against him if he made an appearance – no question.  The Tea Party has denied him 3 times already this week.  He cannot win the Big One.”

Mitt Romney, quickly becoming the Kyle Orton of conservative Republicans, offered only a backhanded compliment.  “I like Tim Tebow.  He would be a fine back up for me.”

Rick Santorum was more resigned with many speculating that this marked the end of his campaign.  “I wash my hands of that guy.  You can have him if you want him.  I guess I’ve been Tebowed.”

In the weeks leading up to the final vote, Far Right political consultants across the country had urged Tebow not to run so aggressively, claiming that he had a greater chance of long term electoral injury if he relied on the traditional ground game, his perceived strength.  His supporters thought that a more targeted air assault on radio and TV against his rivals would offer less wear and tear on the candidate, but his early attempts via the air were met with derision and ridicule.

Media guru and community organizer Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “I see those things on air, and I am left wondering if he is a rightie or a leftie.  He’s putting stuff up there that I don’t recognize as coming from a professional.  That said, maybe he should just keep running, since that seems to work.”

Rove recommended a media playbook based on the theme of the Christ-like hero versus the Anti-Christ.  “Good versus Evil tests very well in focus groups.  Trust me.”

In the final analysis, the GOP needed a savior for this election, and Tebow fit the bill for an electorate anxious to defeat Obama and find an alternative to Romney. 
“I voted for him,” gushed Mabel Gutherie, grandmother of 11 and part-time lector at her local church.  “If he believes in Jesus, then I am certain he supports a balanced budget amendment and a flat tax, too.  He’s likes girls, right?”

Supporters were undeterred about the Constitutional hurdle of their candidate being too young to hold the office of President of the United States.  “If we can elect a President who we know was born in Kenya, then we can certainly elect a good Christian who will eventually reach the age of eligibility.  Tebow will someday be 35.  Obama will never be a natural born American“, one voter reasoned.  “That’s good enough for me.”

Optimism abounded, at least for today.  “I was physically sick about the prospect of an Obama second term,” said one avid Bronco fan and staunch Republican.  “Then Tebow came along and touched me.  Thank God, I am cured!  Bring on the Patriots…and the Democrats!”

Tebow was unavailable for comment this morning, reportedly fasting in the desert before heading to Foxboro, MA for a scheduled rally at 3:16 this Sunday.

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