Monday, January 16, 2012

Oh No - No Ho Hos!

It's time to support bakers and manufacturers with our wallets and our mouths.

To the Editors of Size Matters Magazine:

The anti-business bias of the Obama administration reared its ugly head again this week.  Has there ever been an administration so committed to the destruction of American free enterprise and the elimination of our God-given right to unregulated girth as this one?

Conservatives looking for an argument to support the theory that the liberal policies are destroying America as we know it and simultaneously shrinking our exceptional individual profiles can look no further than this stunning business announcement out of Texas this week:

Hostess, baker of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho-Ho's and Wonder Bread, said Wednesday that it filed for bankruptcy protection in an attempt to shrink a pile of debt amid soaring labor costs.
If the liberals weren’t so preoccupied with shrinking everyone’s waistline in this country, Hostess wouldn’t have to be preoccupied with shrinking its debt.  Our physical stature in the world is being reduced, and I blame Obama.  I read the Internet.  I watch the TV.  Obama can be directly linked to the exploding debt that is shackling this business.  Hostess didn’t have this problem during the Bush years.  Their debt was smaller because our bellies got larger.  We were exceptional and satisfied.  Now, we are hungry for leadership and baked goods.

If Hostess was allowed to continue its successful business model of expanding Americans, its debt would be shrinking.  The company is forced to do belt tightening because health conscious Americans are doing less belt loosening. 
 As I see it, I blame Obama and all his healthy eating propaganda. If he wasn't so busy indoctrinating our kids with fairy tales of fruits and vegetables, those Hostess angels would still have jobs deep frying Twinkies and decorating Ho Hos.  This President, with his shameless pandering to the fruits and vegetables lobby, has played a key role in putting this iconic brand on a crash diet at a time when the people need jobs and the distraction of eating sugary goodness.  A little processed sugar never hurt anyone.

First of all, it is universally accepted as fact that the Twinkie and Ho Ho food groups represent a flavor sensation unmatched in modern pre-packaged baked goods era.  If it tastes so good, what is keeping the buyers away?  One reason – this President.

No one cared about the ingredients in a Twinkie until liberals and their fancy “food labels” started advertising the manufactured content of those fluffy desserts on the side of the package.  Ignorance is bliss, I say.  Let us eat freely.  Nothing ruins a baked treat more than knowing the ingredients, and we deserve the freedom to eat without forced education.

Hostess blamed the current move on troubles with its pension and medical benefits obligations, increased competition and tough economic conditions.  They were being politically correct.  Without Obama pushing exercise and fitness, demand for these yummy desserts would continue to rise like yeast in a damp basement.  Tough economic conditions were created by an administration more concerned with skinny appearances than fattening America's bottom line.

Twinkies fans shouldn't fret, however. The privately held bakery company says it will be able to maintain routine operations thanks to a $75 million financing commitment from a group of lenders with fat wallets.  Thank goodness someone understands the nutritional necessity of a Twinkie breakfast to start the day off right. 

Hostess said that it will look to restructure into a "strong, competitive" company.   It will continue to run bakeries, outlet stores and distribution centers and deliver its goods during the process.  We hope that its future lean operation will not translate into lean customers.  Our strength is in our size, and we are a big deal around the world because of it.

Save the Twinkie and the Ho Ho from the scourge of liberalism.  We need our daily fix of freedom that can only come from a thriving pastry industry.  A middle class without a big middle is unacceptable, and cannot be stomached any longer.

Marvin Disgruntled
Food Critic and Competitive Eater

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