To: Mitt Romney, Candidate
From: Reince Priebus, Chairman, Republican/Tea Party National Committee
RE: Occupy Wall Street Counter-Offensive
We, the Establishment Folks at GOP/TP Headquarters, are seeing a unique opportunity for you to emerge from the shadow of the other candidates seeking the nomination for President, and it is time to seize the opportunity. We are becoming concerned that after 5 years of running for President, you still poll slightly behind “None of the Above” and slightly ahead of the cast of Fox and Friends. As you know, we recognize that the GOP/TP has no chance of recapturing the White House without some like yourself that can consolidate the “Well, At Least He’s Not Insane” segment of the electorate in our favor. While each of the candidates in this campaign offer more conservative views, more interesting and controversial statements, more likability, more grass roots support, more Fox News political contributor income, and more passion for Jesus, in our eyes you have the one thing they haven’t got – electability.
We strongly recommend (translation: we will fund your campaign if you do our bidding) that you spearhead the initiative will call “Occupy Main Street”. With your help, we will mobilize the disenfranchised millionaires and billionaires of this exceptional nation to pay other people to march on small towns across the country, carrying our message. We at the GOP/TP National Committee believe it is high time we remind Americans that Main Street would still be a dirt path through a fallow field if it were not for the investments and kindness of the uber-wealthy. Job Creators built Main Street USA, and this campaign will remind the voters that only Job Creators can revive it. A key part of the strategy involves scaring those sympathetic to the Wall Street protestors that all of the Job Creators in America may run away to the Cayman Islands or the French Riviera because of uncertainty. If that happened, Main Street would disappear, and with it, hundreds of annual parades. That is certain.
We have been watching the Occupy Wall Street protest as it has unfolded in New York, and we now see that it is spreading to other cities across the U.S. Our attempts to compare the mob participants to Arab Spring radical Muslims who hate America, or Woodstock groupies who hate America, or to the Black Panther Party that hates America have yet to take root. The time has come to stop being pushing around by the Job Takers. We need to reassert ourselves and our interests, and you are the ideal messenger for change.
You have been on every side of every major issue that faces our nation, and that gives you a shred of credibility with everyone on both sides, at least a little. You’ve been a Job Creator. You’ve been a Job Destroyer. You’ve been in favoring of closing tax loopholes, and for protecting the existing ones. You’ve been in favor of the auto industry bail out and you’ve been against it. You are a staunch anti-government advocate who has done nothing but run for a government office for the past 5+ years. You finally look comfortable when your sleeves are rolled up. Clearly, this is your time, and by extension, our time.
The vision you describe in your speeches should be one of fairness to all. Your statements should reinforce the economic message that “You use your money the way you want, and we’ll use our money the way we want.” Surely this kind of inclusive language will bring together like minded citizens who believe as we do that there is enough room for everyone on this crazy planet to enjoy all the freedom they can afford.
“Occupy Main Street” will become the centerpiece of your campaign. Do not worry about resources. The top 1% of earners in this country have all the time and money you could imagine to devote to the cause. Their numbers may be small, but since the members of this group control all major media outlets in the world, we can promise positive news “stories” and flattering photo-ops. In other words, we will guarantee images of diversity, inclusion, humility, and other such distractions to boost your campaign and propel you to the White House.
Mitt, we recommend that you begin implementation of our Occupy Main Street strategy immediately. We cannot let the Job Takers win.
Launch Occupy Main Street now. It's a slam dunk.