Monday, October 24, 2011

The Cardinal Rule

House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, was scheduled to deliver an address at the University of Pennsylvania on the topic of income inequity in America.  His address was abruptly cancelled when news leaked that citizens, otherwise known to Rep. Cantor as “mobs”, would try to attend and provide instant vocal feedback on the content of the speech.  Since these so-called ‘citizens’ could not be trusted to stay home like sheep, Rep. Cantor decided to go home like a mouse.    
Fortunately, since this was a planned event, the written text of the address was provided to media outlets in advance.  Much of it was utterly forgettable, mostly because the address did nothing to bridge the divide in the smoldering economic and social debate.  There was, however, a snippet buried towards the end that MSRP found interesting and worth releasing to its’ loyal readers.  I left the typographical errors untouched.  I promise that you will not find this text excerpt of Cantor’s speech anywhere else on the Internet (unless it is stolen from me without attribution by members of the evil 1% crowd).

From prepared speech by Eric Cantor:

(Pause for applause)

Let the unfettered market work, and all our troubles will be solved, my friends.  In America today, we have concrete examples of how success can save us without burdensome tax increases that stifle the innovative instincts of poor wealthy – the Job Cremators.

The Associated Press just this week reported that Mayor Francis Slay of St. Louis has cancelled mandatory furloughs for city employees.  These furloughs were long scheduled because of an estimated $2.8 million shortfall in the city’s budget.  Why were these jobs saved from the funeral pyre of the Obama Recession, my friends?  Was it because President Obama stole from the Job Cremators and gave to freeloading public servants as part of his massive redistribution and disincentivization scheme?  No, no – not on my watch.  These jobs were saved by the marketplace, saved by Albert Pujols and the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.  Yes, that’s right.  He’s a legal Latino, and we love him, even here in Philadelphia!

(Pause for applause)

You see, according to Mayor Slay, the Cardinals playoff run has generated additional revenue of over $2 million to the city.  $2 million, my friends.  The formula to generate this windfall is simple as 1-2-3, or should I say, 4-6-3!  (Pause for laughs)  Millionaires buying luxury suite access, purchasing $8 domestic beers and $10 American made foam rally fingers spur economic activity, and the existing tax structure does the rest.  St’ Louis enforced the laws already on the books, and the jobs were saved.

Make no mistakes as to how this miracle happened.  It isn’t the ‘whoa-is-me’ 99% attending these games that is helping to lift all boats.  The welfare queens in the teachers’ unions aren’t saving those jobs in St Louis because they can’t afford to go to Busch Stadium in October, and haven’t for years.  They would rather mooch off the rest of us and watch the games on free TV, subsidized by the 1%.  It is the 1%, the unfairly vilified 1%, that is buying the tickets, staying in the luxury hotels and buying the exclusive memorabilia that generate the tax income that saved St. Louis.  They are the heroes of the little guy, and I for one applaud them for their patriotism.

 (Pause for applause)

In the St. Louis model, we have a roadmap forward.  If every baseball club in America could work a little harder, if they could all draft a little smarter, all teams could enjoy playoff success and generate millions for their host cities in tax revenue.  No one is standing in the way of these teams reaching the lofty heights that the Cardinals have reached this season, no one that is, except the government and its onerous regulations.  Cancel the regulations, we say, and unleash the entrepreneurial spirit of every franchise.  Stop pitting team against team – they can all win in this country, if only we give them an opportunity to win. 
You see, we don’t need a crushing, defeatist millionaires’ tax to fix America, my friends.  All we need are 32 Major League Baseball teams in the playoffs next season.  If they all work hard, they can achieve their dreams and save their cities by all reaching the World Series.  The explosion of good paying jobs as street vendors and food service technicians will start a renaissance in our inner cities unseen since the founding of our great nation.

Don’t let Democratic pessimists tell you that it can’t happen.  In America, everyone can win.  And so can you.  And so can I. 
(Pause for applause)

Hmmm, Cantor’s analysis of the way forward in this country demonstrates his exceptional grasp of common cents.  His grasp of dollars and cents is stunning.  I think he’s grasping a lot of dollars and cents.  Yours and mine.

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