Beauty and the Beasts

The 8^th debate of the interminable Republican nominating season is in the books, and I for one, am tiring of the beauty pageant aspect of the entire exercise.  I am part of a shrinking minority that would prefer several debates that each last for hours delving into one topic at a time.  I fantasize about a debate on immigration, for example, where the press can fact check on the fly and challenge the candidate’s assumptions, biases, and misinformation.  I long for a press corps that will help the public separate fact from fiction instead of lazily amplifying whatever a candidate says as some gospel truth worth of broadcast.  By not challenging incorrect (ridiculous) statements, the press gives tacit approval of the nonsense.  If the press did their job, we’d have less shallow beauty contest hype and more of a ‘Plain Jane’ competition of ideas.  At least I would watch, and I am still part of a desirable advertising demographic for a few more years.

The political party nominating process, in many ways, parallels a beauty pageant competition:

The Unseen Regionals – For most Americans, the Miss America pageant begins once the 51 contestants (don’t forget DC – no Senator in Congress, but they do receive one delegate to the pageant) take to the stage in Atlantic City.  The competition begins before the curtain rises for the national audience, however.  We pay little attention to how the field that is presented is winnowed to these finalists.  There’s probably a beauty contest power broker in each jurisdiction that wields undue influence on the selection, but we’ll never know, and frankly, we’ll never care.

The public is similarly introduced to all of the potential candidates (it feels like there are 51 options) for the nation’s highest office by the media, which wields undue influence on the selection.  Magazines and talking heads will list all of the potential entrants into the next race beginning the day after this election is decided.  We don’t know how these lucky potential nominees are selected for initial consideration.  We may never know, and frankly, will never care.  Chances are good, however, that on one occasion or another, the person “looked presidential” or made a special interest group angry.

Meet the Contestants – The field of 51 beauties is given the privilege of walking uncomfortably to the microphone to state their name and state of origin, and then quickly dismissed.  Ten minutes into the 2 hour marathon program, we are told that the field has been unceremoniously reduced to 10 Finalists, and here they are.  Someone from Texas is always in the Top Ten.  We never get a satisfactory answer to the question, “What about Rhode Island?”  She could have been a contender, but her cheering section is limited by the small population of her state.  She didn’t stand a chance.  There is always one wild card in the Top Ten that leaves you wondering, “Is she in bed with someone powerful who could sway the results?”
 

In presidential politics, poll after poll after poll is released and dissected, and the field of potential nominees is unceremoniously reduced to 10 or less.  If the public doesn’t know your name, you are toast.  If you are from Texas, you always have a puncher’s chance.  We never get a satisfactory answer to the question, “What about Rep. Quietly Effective?”  He could have been a contender, but his cheering section is limited to the small population of his state, and his inability to shamelessly self-promote instead of working for solutions holds him back.  He didn’t stand a chance.  There is always one wild card in the Top Ten that leaves you wondering, “Is he in bed with someone powerful who could sway the results?”

The Swimsuit Competition – As we all know, beauty outside must mean beauty inside.  This is America, after all.  We need to undress the pageant contestants and fantasize what it would be like to be with them for 4 years, maybe more.  So we strip them down, ogle at them, unfairly magnifying any flaws, any weaknesses.  Usually we are deceived by focusing at only one part of their body of work, blinding us the totality of the package.  After careful and thoughtful analysis, the ugly contestants are dismissed.

As we all know, confidence outside must mean competence inside.  This is America, after all.  We need to deconstruct the frontrunner(s) and fantasize what it would be like to be with them for 4 years, maybe more.  So we strip them down, ogle at them, unfairly magnifying any flaws, any weaknesses.  Usually we are deceived by focusing at only one part of their body of work, blinding us the totality of the package.  After careful and thoughtful analysis, the ugly contestants are dismissed.

The Talent Competition – Some contestants juggle, some tap dance, and some do magic tricks.  This is the portion of the competition where we convince ourselves that we aren’t voting for one contestant over another based solely on looks and gut reactions.  The talent they demonstrate actually means something and will influence our vote.  Or so we tell our friends.  Then we rewind to watch the swimsuit event a second time.

During the fight for the nomination of their party, some contestants juggle, some tap dance, and some do magic tricks.  This is the portion of the competition where we convince ourselves that we aren’t voting for one contestant over another based solely on looks and gut reactions.  The talent they demonstrate actually means something and will influence our vote.  Or so we tell our friends.  We rewind to watch the YouTube parodies of their mistakes a second time.

In politics, unlike beauty pageants, there is one talent that carries more weight than the other factors – the ability to raise money.  Do rich people think you are “hot”?  You could say that evaluating the size of a candidate’s war chest helps determine how long he/she can stay in the contest.  Evaluating the size of a beauty contestant’s chest helps determine how long she can stay in the contest.  Both evaluations take up a tremendous amount of TV time, as well they should (it’s not called the boob tube for nothing).

The Question – We eventually need to know if these regional beauty queens have brains and how they perform under pressure.  We learn how smart they are in the most entertaining and least predictive way possible – we ask an overly broad question (or two), and judge the response not by depth of thought, but by the depth of conviction.  The respondent must look as if they truly believe their answer, right or wrong.  Extra credit is awarded for staying within the allotted 60 seconds.  No follow up is allowed by the judges.  It helps if “family” is worked into the answer somehow.  Shedding tears is encouraged.
  

During primary season, we eventually need to know if these regional beauty queens have brains and how they perform under pressure.  We learn how smart they are in the most entertaining and least predictive way possible – we ask an overly broad question (or two), and judge the response not by depth of thought, but by the depth of conviction.  The respondent must look as if they truly believe their answer, right or wrong.  Extra credit is awarded for staying within the allotted 60 seconds.  No follow up is allowed by the moderators.  It helps if “family” is worked into the answer somehow.  Shedding tears is discouraged, although it worked pretty well for Hillary in New Hampshire 4 years ago.

Crowning the Winner and Runner Up – Once the votes are counted, all of the non-first place winners (read: losers) rally behind the new Miss America, and she is showered on stage with confetti, balloons, and a popular jingle.  She struts her stuff on the runway, waves to the crowd, and prepares for her appearance the next morning on the Today Show with Matt Lauer.  Her reign begins, at least until some ugly skeleton is dragged out of her closet and the media jackals descend.  Set your watches!

Once the votes are counted, all of the non-first place winners (read: losers) rally behind the new party nominee, and he/she is showered on stage with confetti, balloons, and a popular jingle.  He/she struts on the podium, waves to the crowd, and prepares for the appearance the next morning on the Today Show with Matt Lauer.  The reign begins, at least until some ugly skeleton is dragged out of his/her closet and the media jackals descend.  Set your watches!

One more thing – competitors in both the physical and the political beauty competitions would like an endorsement from Donald Trump.

After it’s all said and done, it’s a pretty shallow way to pick a President, but it’s our way, and we are Exceptional and favored by God.   It is a good process for TV ratings, magazine subscriptions sales, and blog readership.  I’ll keep watching the contest as it unfolds, but until things change, I guess I’ll have to read some, too.

I might learn something.  I sure ain't learning from the beauty contestants.