Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The GOP Hears a Who?

A Suessian parable, just in time for the 1st GOP debate on Thursday:

On the 5th of May in the Suburb of White
In the heat of the day, in the cool of the night,
He was picketing…enjoying one of the Tea Party great joys…
When Tea-Pot the elephant heard a small noise.

So Tea-Pot put down his sign.  He looked toward the sound.
“That’s funny,” thought Tea-Pot.  “There’s no one around.”
Then he heard it again!  Just a very faint, soft and quiet yelp
As if some tiny politician were calling for financial help.
“I’ll help you,” said Tea-Pot.  “But who are you?  Where?”
He looked and he looked.  He could see no one there
But a small speck of dust blowing past through the air.

“I say!” murmured Tea-Pot.  “I’ve never heard tell
Of a small speck of dust that is able to yell.
So you know what I think?...Why, I think that there must
Be someone campaigning on that small speck of dust!
Some sort of politician of small wallet size,
Too small to be seen by a GOP elephant’s eyes…

‘…some poor little pol who’s shaking with fear
That he’ll enter the race!  The liberals will jeer!
They'll laugh with derision
At their entering the race decision.
Reporters may snore; pundits may ignore.
I’ll just have to save him.  Because, after all,
A candidate’s a candidate, no matter how dull.”

“Humpf!” humpfed a voice.  T’was the sour Comb Over Hair-Do,
And the Ivanka and Don in his pouch said “Humpf!” too.
“Why those campaigns are as dull as an accounting books sin.
A real candidate on that?...Why, there never has been!”

“Believe me,” said Tea-Pot, “I tell you sincerely,
My time is quite free, and I heard him quite clearly.
I know there’s a candidate down there.  And, what’s more,
Quite likely there’s two.  Even three.  Even four.
Quite likely…

“I think you’re a fool!” laughed the sour Comb Over Hair-Do
And Ivanka and Don in his pouch said, “Me, too!”
You’re the biggest blame fool in the Suburb of White!”
And the Comb Over Hair-Dos helicopted into the cool of the night.

Through the Internet chat rooms, the news quickly spread:
“Tea-Pot talks to a dust speck!  He’s out of his head!
Just look at him walk with that speck
And Tea-Pot walked, worrying, “Oh, what the heck!”
“Should I put this speck down?...” Tea-Pot thought with alarm.
“If I do, these small candidates may come to great harm.
I can’t put them down.  And I won’t!  After all
A candidate’s a candidate no matter how dull.

Then Tea-Pot stopped walking.
One speck voice was talking!
The voice was so faint he could barely hear it.
“Speak up please,” said Tea-Pot.  He put his ear near it.

“My friend,” came a voice, “you’re a right-thinking friend.
You’ve helped all us folks on this dust speck no end.
You’ve saved us from Communism and liberal Hollywood stars.
You’ve saved Christian churches and fossil fuel cars.”

“You mean…” Tea-Pot gasped, “you have policy positions to discuss too?”

“Oh, yes,” piped the voice.  “We most certainly do…
“I know,” called the voice, “We’re too small to be seen
But I’m the RNC Man of a group that is experienced and clean.
Our following, to you, would seem terribly small
But to us, who aren’t name brands, they are wonderfully tall.
My town is called No Name-ville, for I am a No Name
And we No Names are all thankful that you came.”

And Tea-Pot called back to RNC Man of the town,
“You’re on my radar now.  Don’t worry.  I won’t let you down.”

But, just as he spoke to the RNC Man of that speck,
Three big corporate thugs climbed up Tea-Pot’s neck!
The Koch Brothers came shouting, “What rot!
This GOP elephant’s talking to No Names who are not!
There aren’t any No Names!  And they don’t have a Front Runner!
And we’re going to stop all this nonsense!  Prepare for a stunner!”

They co-opted Tea-Pot’s issues!  They carried them away
To the black-bottomed peacock named Media Today,
A mighty strong peacock, of very swift wing,
And they said, “Will you kindly get rid of this thing?”
And before the poor GOP elephant even could speak,
That Media flew off with the candidates and issues in its beak.

All that late afternoon and far into the night
That black-bottomed bird flapped its wings in fast flight,
While Tea-Pot chased after, with groans, over stones,
That tattered his image and battered his bones,
And begged, “Pleased don’t harm all my little folks, who
Have as much right to speak as you richer folks do!”

But far, far beyond him those Media Today gums kept flapping
And over his shoulder called back, “You quit your yapping.
I’ll broadcast the night through.  I’m a network.  I don’t mind it.
And I’ll bury this, tomorrow, where you’ll never find it!”

And at 6:56 the next news cycle he did it.
It sure was a terrible place that he hid it.
He let that small clover drop somewhere inside
Of a great patch of websites a million gigabytes wide!
‘Find THAT!” sneered the bird.  “But I think you will fail.”
And he left
With a flip
Of his black-bottomed tail.

“I’ll find it!” cried Tea-Pot.  “I’ll find it or bust!
I SHALL find my freedom on my small speck of dust!”
And website, by website, by website with care
He logged on and searched them and typed, “Are you there?”
But blog post, by blog post, by blog post he found
That the one that he sought for was just not around.
And by June poor old Tea-Pot, more dead than alive,
Had picked, searched, and googled, nine thousand and five.
Then, on through the summer, through dawn’s early light…
Till he found them at last!  On the Fox News website!
“My friends!” cried the elephant.  “Tell me!  Do tell!
Are you safe?  Are you sound?  Are you whole?  Are you well?”

From down on the speck came the voice of RNC Man:
“We really had trouble! Name recognition’s in the can.
When that black-bottomed birdie let go and we dropped,
We landed so hard that our funding dried up.
Our tea-pots are broken.  Our crowd sizes smashed.
And our policy papers all were fact checked when we crashed.
So, Tea-Pot please!” pleaded that voice of RNC Man’s,
“Will you stick by us No Names til a front runner lands?”

“Of course,” Tea-Pot answered.  “Of course I will stick.
I’ll stick by you small folks through thin and through thick.”

Humpfed a voice.
“For almost two years you’ve run wild and insisted
On chatting with viable candidate’s who’ve never existed.
Such carryings-on in our peaceable nation!
We’ve had quite enough of your bellowing sensation!
And I’m here to state,” snapped the big Comb Over Hair-Do,
“That your silly nonsensical movement is all through!”
And Ivanka and Don in his pouch said, “Me, too!!”

“With the help of the Koch Brothers and dozens
Of Koch Brothers Uncles and Koch Brothers Cousins
And Koch Brothers In-Laws, whose help I’ve hired,
You’re going to be suppressed!  You’re going to be fired!
And, as for your dust speck…hah!  That we shall cook
In a hot steaming kettle of a Fact Checking Book!”

“Expose it to scrutiny?” gasped Tea-Pot!
“Oh, that you can’t do!
It’s all full of serious candidates!
They’ll prove it to you!”

“T-Paws! Bachmanns!” Tea-Pot called.  “Mitts and Newts!
You’ve got to prove now that you not empty suits!
So call a big debate.  Get everyone out.
Make every No Name holler!  Make every No Name shout!
Make every No Name scream!  If you don’t every No Name
Will leave us to re-elect The Same!”

And, down on the dust speck, the scared little candidates laid down a dare
And quick called a big debate in the Fox News Town Square.
And the candidates cried loudly.  They cried out in fear:
“We are here!  We are here!  We are here!  We are here!”

The GOP elephant smiled:  “That was clear as a bell.
You Comb Over Hair-Dos surely heard that very well.”
“All I heard,” snapped the Comb Over Hair-Do, “was the breeze,
And the faint sound of a RINO through the far distant trees.
I heard no credible voices.  And you didn’t either.”
And Ivanka and Don in his pouch said, “Me neither.”

“Grab him!” they shouted.  “And confuse these Insanes!
Lasso their brain with ten miles of email chains!
Tie knots tight so they’ll never shake loose!
Then dunk that dumb dust speck in Media Scrutiny juice!”

Tea-Pot fought back with great vigor and vim
But the Koch Brothers gang was too many for him.
They tricked him! They lied to him! They started to haul
Tea-Pots donations!  But he managed to call
To the candidates:  “Don’t give up!  I believe in you all!
A candidate’s a candidate no matter how dull!
And you very small candidates will not have to cry
If you make yourselves heard!  So come on now, and try!”

McDaniels grabbed a Liberal.  He started to attack it.
And, all over No Name-ville, candidates whooped up a racket.
They rattled their theories!  They beat on tax rules!
They accused the voting public of just being tools!
They compared some to Hitler and other such bums,
And in the process collected unregulated money great sums!

Great gusts of loud racket rang high through the sky.
They rattled and shook the whole land!  And the RNC Guy
Called up through the howling mad hullabaloo:
“Hey, Tea-Pot!  How’s this?  Is our message coming through?”

And Tea-Pot called back “I can hear you just fine.
But the Comb Over Hair Dos’ ears aren’t as strong quite as mine.
They don’t hear a thing!  Are you sure all your boys
Are doing their best?  Are they all making noise?
Are you sure every No Name down in No Name-ville is workin’?
Quick!  Look through your town!  Is there a Jon Huntsm’n?”

Through the town rushed RNC Man, from the east to the west.
But everyone seemed to be doing their best.
Everyone seemed to be yapping or yipping!
Everyone seemed to be beeping or bipping!
Everyone pontificated conspiracy insanity!
Everyone appear as a guest on Sean Hannity!
But it wasn’t enough, all this ruckus and roar!
He HAD to find someone to help him make more.
He raced through each building! He searched floor to floor!

And, just as he felt he was getting nowhere,
And almost about to give up in despair,
He suddenly burst through a door, and that RNC Man sans hair
Discovered one shirker!  Quite hidden away
In the Wasilla Apartments (overlooking Moscow Bay)
A very small, very small shirker named Miss Half Term
Was standing, just standing, and reading People magazine to learn
Not making a sound!  Not a tweet!  Not a mass mailin’!
And RNC Man rushed inside and he grabbed Sarah Palin!

And he climbed with the lass up the Zuckerburg Tower
“This,” cried RNC Man, “is your country’s darkest hour!
The time for all No Names who have blood that is red
To come to the aid of their country!” he said.
“We’ve got to make noise in greater amounts!
So, open your mouth, lass!  For every voice counts!”

Thus he spoke as he climbed.  When they got to the top and got slow,
The lass cleared her throat and she shouted out, “NO!”

And that No…
That one small, extra No put it over!
Finally at last!  From that speck on that clover
Their voices were heard!  They rang out clear and clean.
And the GOP elephant smiled.  “Do you see what I mean?
They’ve proved they are candidates, no matter how dull.
And their whole world was saved by the Airhead-est of All!”

“How true!  Yes, how true,” said Comb Over Hair Do.
“And, from now on, you know what I’m planning to do?
From now on, I’m going to support them with you!”
And Ivanka and Don in his pouch said,
“ME, TOO!”

From the debates in the summer.  From attack ads when it’s fall-ish,
I’m going to market them.  No matter how dull-ish!”

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