Fans of comedy everywhere were crushed to hear that The Donald would not be pursuing the presidency in 2012. I am sure that it was a difficult and gut-wrenching decision for this patriot. No doubt he went through several drafts in order to communicate his thoughts and feelings on the subject with clarity and grace. As luck would have it, I got my hands on some of his scribbles and doodles, notes he made while trying to summon the proper sentiments to inspire his adoring minions.
For your reading pleasure, here are excerpts from the rejected drafts of the Donald Trump announcement that he would not seek the Republican nomination for President in 2012:
“After a period of intense soul-searching, I am still looking for one. While some may believe that this qualifies me for the highest office in the land, I am not as convinced. Therefore, I will not seek the nomination of my party.”
“I appreciate the recent polls that show me winning the presidency with little or no credible opposition in 2012, and I have enjoyed being your President these past few weeks; however, I must resign the office of President, effective noon tomorrow. It’s been a helluva ride.”
“I have decided that I will not seek the Republican nomination in 2012 in order to spend more time with my family.”
“My lovely young bride Melania has told me many times in the past that it is better to withdraw early, and for once, I will take her advice. I hereby withdraw, and I hope that I have not made too much of a mess.”
“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that The Celebrity Apprentice, airing Sunday nights at 9 PM on NBC, has been picked up for another hit season. The bad news is that I will not be your President…yet.”
“I have recently learned that the annual salary of the President of the United States is $400,000. Is this some kind of a joke?”
“During the most recent episode of The Celebrity Apprentice, which airs every Sunday night at 9 PM ET/8 PM CT, I had a revelation in the boardroom while trying to decide whether to fire Meatloaf or LaToya Jackson. I thought to myself, ‘This is what I was meant to do. This is my best destiny, and where I can do the most civic good’. Therefore, I will remain in this role, leader of celebrities raising money for the charities of their choice, and not run for the presidency…yet. Stay tuned.”
“I will run, and no one can stop me. Romney, I’m coming for you, pretty boy.”
“The stockholders of this country deserve a better return on their political investment than I can offer at this time. I am willing to contribute, however. I invite all declared candidates for the nomination to the Trump Resort and Casino in Atlantic City for a series of pay-per-view debates on fiscal issues. Tickets are available on my website, and if you type in the promo code “TRUMP”, you will receive a $10 voucher for the Trump Gift Shop. This is going to be spectacular.”
“The best way to reduce the deficit is to create good jobs right here in New York and Atlantic City. Therefore, I have decided to best serve America by increasing the size of my business empire in the private sector. That’s really what the polls are saying – Grow, Donald, Grow. I hear the call of the electorate, and I vow to continue in my role as Job Creator-in-Chief.”
“Now that the top position at the IMF (International Monetary Fund) is available, I must turn my prestigious business acumen to the international finance community, where I can best serve the world, instead of just one little nation.”
“If I were to lose, I might not get my Sunday night time slot back. That’s a chance I just can’t take. I owe it to the loyal viewers of America.”
“I prayed about my decision, and He spoke to me. Apparently, the world is coming to an end on May 21st, so running for President isn’t in the cards.”
"I have sent my crack investigators to RNC headquarters, and you won't believe what they've found. I can't reveal their stunning findings yet, but let's just say, I won't be running this time."
Michelle Bachmann, we need you!
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