Hawaiian 5-0

President Obama turns the tender age of 50 today (that’s 110 in White House years), and all his friends and competitors have been busying shopping for the perfect gift for the Commander in Chief.  Through my various media and government sources, I have obtained some information on the secret presents that the President will be unwrapping tonight.  For his celebration, he can expect to receive the following gifts:

• From Vice President Joe Biden – an 8” x 10” signed and framed glossy photograph of Joe Biden
• From former President Bill Clinton – Leaves of Grass, a book of poems by Walt Whitman
• From Secretary of State Hillary Clinton – thicker skin and sharper elbows
• From First Lady Michelle Obama – a dinner with absolutely no redeeming nutritional value, along with a pass from doing the dishes for the night
• From Speaker of the House John Boehner – 10 complimentary visits to the Hollywood Tanning salon
• From House Majority Leader Eric Cantor – a dead fish, wrapped in a newspaper and wearing a copy of the Affordable Care Act
• From Congresswoman and Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann – a personalized copy of the Koran
• From potential Presidential candidate Gov. Rick Perry – the succession of Texas from the Union
• From former Republican Vice-Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin – a fruitcake (she’s re-gifting it)
• From former President George W. Bush – 2 wars, 1 economy in free fall, and an aromatherapy relaxation candle
• From the Tea Party – a case of litmus tests (already opened)
• From the GOP-controlled House of Representatives – economic uncertainty, dangling from a homemade necklace suitable for wearing at public events
• From former pastor Reverend Wright – a “Wish You Were Here” postcard from Siberia, wishing him a Happy GD Birthday
• From Al Sharpton – a list of personal references and a job application (same thing he gives the President every year)
• From talk show host Glenn Beck – his resignation from Fox
• From News Corp. owner Rupert Murdoch – a new Smart phone, already programmed (how thoughtful!)
• From Navy Seal Team 6 – (classified)
• From Afghan President Hamid Karzai – a baker’s dozen of poppy seed muffins
• From the Nobel Peace Prize Committee – a postage-paid return box for shipping his 2009 prize back to Oslo
• From part time real estate mogul and full time carnival barker Donald Trump – The Celebrity Apprentice, home edition board game, and an invitation to appear as a contestant on the program in 2013
• From former pro athletes Walt Frazier, Keith Hernandez, and Emmitt Smith – a case of Just for Men hair color, and an invitation to appear with them as a spokesperson in their commercials in 2013
• From the base of the Republican Party – a weak field to run against in 2012
• From the base of the Democratic Party – Testicles.