Saturday, July 30, 2011
Pennsylvania Avenue: SVU
Inspector Obama: (pointing to the domed building) What’s the situation in there, Officer?
Officer Biden: (reading from his notes) Some nut cases that call themselves the “Elephant Bandits” have taken a woman named Amari Cah hostage, and they are threatening to throw her off the roof. They have the poor woman trapped and confused right now. They have a gun to her head, and they seem ready to pull the trigger and dump her over the side. I’ve been talking to these perps for weeks now, and every time I make a concession to defuse the situation, they change their demands. I don’t think this is going to end well.
Inspector Obama: Did you say ‘Amari Cah’? I would do anything to save her!
Officer Biden: I think those creeps know that, and that’s why they are holding her hostage. They’re an unpredictable group – they claim you don’t care about Amari Cah in one breath, then try to extort ransom from you because you love her too much. I had just about given up understanding their twisted logic when you got here.
Inspector Obama: Who are all these people on the street?
Officer Biden: Word got out about the drama, so folks from Wall St. have gathered, hoping to catch Amari Cah if the Bandits follow through with their threats. Some of the other people just want to see what would happen if they pushed her over the ledge. I actually heard someone say that they thought she’d bounce right back up after the fall. Idiots.
Inspector Obama: What concessions did you offer them that they rejected, Joe?
Officer Biden: Frankly, Barry, I caved on everything. I would do anything to save Amari Cah from these crazy zealots. They asked for a phone, I gave them a phone. They asked for some food, and I sent in a full buffet. They asked for a trillion dollars, I gave it to them. They asked for medical assistance, and I gave them access, even though one of the creeps had a pre-existing condition. There’s only one request they’ve made that I didn’t grant.
Inspector Obama: What’s that, Joe?
Officer Biden: (pause) They want you, Barry.
Cue the music. Cut to scene inside the domed building. Shot of Inspector Obama’s arch-nemesis, Cry Baby Bainer, holding gun to Amari Cah’s head, and a talking Cantor cockatoo sitting on his shoulder.
Cry Baby: I don’t know why I listened to you, you stupid bird. We could have escaped this mess with everything we wanted. We could have walked out of this drama with all of our demands met. Biden gave us the money. We could have walked out of here like heroes, and convinced the public that we actually saved Amari Cah. It was the perfect plan!
Cantor Cockatoo: Yawk! It’s not about the money, it’s not about the money. We want Inspector Obama to be humiliated, discredited, run out of town.
Cry Baby: So how does taking Amari Cah as a hostage get us to that goal?
Cantor Cockatoo: Yawk! He loves her, he loves her. He’ll give us his badge if he thinks it will save her. Besides, haven’t you noticed? The longer we keep her here, the more she starts appreciating us. Yawk! Stockholm Syndrome is one European idea we can get behind, right CB? Amari Cah is starting to see Inspector Obama as the villain that is trying to kidnap her away from us. Yawk! Be patient. Be patient.
(Suddenly, Cry baby’s cell phone rings)
Cantor Cockatoo: Yawk! Don’t answer it! It’s a trap!
Cry Baby: I have to answer the phone, dummy. We’re the ones who started this hostage crisis. Now we have to see what else we can get for sparing Amari Cah’ life.
Cantor Cockatoo: Yawk! You’re the dummy. We didn’t start this hostage crisis. Inspector Obama forced us to kidnap Amari Cah, and if she accidently falls off the roof, then he will be his fault for not stopping us.
Cry Baby: That’s smart, Cantor. Maybe I should be sitting on YOUR shoulder.
Amari Cah: If you don’t mind me saying so, you guys are the dumbest hostage taker I’ve ever seen. They gave you everything you asked for, and you still won’t let me go. You are asking for trouble. Inspector Obama won’t let me sit in here with you Elephant Bandits for long.
Cry Baby: Shut up! I listened to you, Amari, so you are in on this caper up to your eyeballs. If I go down, you and this crazy bird are going down with me!
Amari Cah: I didn’t agree to this. My crazy uncle with the lazy eye mentioned the plan in an op-ed. I was misinformed.
(Meanwhile, back outside the domed building, the authorities plot their next move to foil the Elephant Bandits)
Officer Biden: We could take Low Road, and sneak into the building that way. We’ve done it before. We could save Amari Cah that way.
Inspector Obama: Joe, I have a better idea.
(Cue music. New scene inside the domed building. Inspector Obama appears above the kidnappers from the ceiling)
Cry Baby: Inspector! How did you get in here?
Inspector Obama: While you were arguing with that bird on your shoulder, I unilaterally raised the ceiling and snuck in from High Road. Amari Cah, you are safe now. Joe, read them their rights – first the 14th Amendment, then Miranda.
Cantor Cockatoo: Yawk! Foiled by the power of the 14th Amendment! Curse you, Inspector!
Amari Cah: Can you guys hurry up? I’d love to listen to this drama all day, but Dancing with the Stars is starting a new season soon. I won’t be able to pay attention much longer.
Cry Baby: Our evil plan defeated by our own philosophy – the rule of law. (As Cry Baby is led away in handcuffs, sobbing softly) This isn’t over, Inspector! You can’t protect Amari Cah forever. We’ll be Bach, mann, in 6 months to do this again!
Inspector Obama: And I’ll be here when you are Bach, mann. (turning to Officer Biden) Remember, Joe, this is why we don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Officer Biden: True that, Barry.
Inspector Obama: I’ve asked you not to do that, Joe.
Officer Biden: Word.
(They fist-bump. Cue music. Fade to in the black.)