Trump Card

NBC has announced its new fall line-up and everyone is excited to see Donald Trump’s newest publicity vehicle, The Celebrity President.  In this excerpt from the transcript of the premiere episode, The Donald confronts the contestants in the boardroom:

TRUMP:  Your project was to create my marketing campaign for the Presidency of the United States.  The team that generated the most votes from the American people for me would win the task.  Let’s start with the men, Team Founding Fathers.  Ivanka, how’d they do?

IVANKA:  Team Founding Fathers’ strategy was to confuse the public, and they focused their energy on disparaging your opponent as ‘different’ and un-American.  While the public initially reacted very favorably to the tawdry tabloid style of politics, they experienced a backlash from independent voters that ultimately drove up your negatives.

TRUMP:  Romney, you were Project Manager.  Do you think your team won?

ROMNEY:  I believe, Mr. Trump, in the strength of our campaign, and the strong family values we represented on your behalf, so yes, I do think we won.

TRUMP:  Sit down, Mitt.  That’s a pretty strong statement, don’t you think?  But don’t you feel placing the voters attention on my family values was a risky strategy?  I do have a reputation for marital ‘flip-flopping’, if you will (laughter).  Who’s idea was that?

PAWLENTY:  That was mine. Mr. Trump.

TRUMP:  Well, you’re an idiot.  Huck, what did you think of Mitt as Project Manager?

HUCKABEE:  In all honesty, sir, he confused us with his message.  It would change from one day to the next, and he was always contradicting himself.

TRUMP:  If your team loses, do you think he should be fired?

HUCKABEE:  Yes, I do.

ROMNEY:  Of course he does, Mr. Trump, but he also thinks Earth is only 6,000 years old, so I think you need to question his judgment skills.

PAWLENTY:  Speaking of judgment skills, how’s that Massachusetts health insurance mandate working out for you, Mitt?

TRUMP:  Well, well, Pawlenty has a voice, nice to finally hear from you.  Sounds like you’re ready to shed your Midwestern Nice Guy routine.  Look out, Team Founding Fathers!  He might step up to be the next Project Manager and surprise us.  OK, Don, what about the women’s team?

DON:  The women had a unique approach.  Team Glass Ceiling spent their time repeating meaningless phrases about you over and over, and hoped that the press would be more interested in the intrigue, Internet innuendo and bombast than actual policy statements.

BACHMANN:  That’s right Mr. Trump.  We believed that if we kept saying “fiscally mature” over and over, the press would actually fill in the rest and assume that you WERE fiscally mature, and overlook your questionable financial dealings and deceptive economic shell game practices

TRUMP:  But isn’t that the women’s team strategy for every task so far?  To repeat poll-tested expressions and hope no one does the hard work of vetting your statements for factual truths?

PALIN:  We felt like that would be the most fiscally mature approach.

TRUMP:  Are you sure we weren’t married once, Sarah?  What the heck are you talking about?  I might have to see your birth certificate to prove you’re from this planet.  You know, when my opponent started calling my economic policies “fiscally manure”, I thought you had miscalculated, but we’ll see.  You could always appear in one of my pageants if this doesn’t work out, you know.  I might even sponsor a Hockey Mom calendar, and you’d make a fabulous Miss December.  Think about it.  OK, Ivanka and Don, who won?

IVANKA:  The men, Team Founding Fathers, using their “confuse the public” strategy on your behalf, generated 47 million popular votes.

TRUMP:  Very impressive, gentlemen, but was that good enough to beat the ladies?  Don, how did Team Glass Ceiling do?

DON:  The women garnered 53 million votes with their “meaningless phrases” campaign, so they won this task.

TRUMP:  Congratulations, ladies.  This is a real triumph of Twitter over 60 Minutes and Facebook over Face the Nation, isn’t it?  Your reward is a one year contract for each of you as a paid political consultant on Fox News.  Team Glass Ceiling, you may go back to your dressing room suite and watch the boardroom on TV.  Team Founding Fathers, you stay.  Someone will be fired. (cue theme song)

After the commercial break…

TRUMP:  Romney, you were Project Manager, and your team lost.  Who was your weakest player?

ROMNEY:  Newt Gingrich.

TRUMP:  Really?  No hesitation.  I thought you were going to say Santorum.  Let’s face it, no one knows who Santorum is or why he’s involved at all.  He wouldn’t be missed.  Does Newt intimidate you, and that’s why you want him gone?

ROMNEY:  No sir, I just believe that on this task, preparing the general public for your Presidency, he was distracted and spent too much time looking out for himself and not enough time looking out for the team.  He also advocated using big words in the press, and given the success of Team Glass Ceiling, it’s obvious that hurt our team.  Kenya-ian Colonialism doesn’t resonant with the base, sir, and frankly, no one knows what it is.

GINGRICH:  Mr. Trump, let’s wait and see if Mitt changes his position in 5 more minutes.  Given his track record, that’s a good bet.

TRUMP:  What hurt your team is that the public would rather watch Palin and Bachmann talk on TV than your ugly middle aged mugs.  Can you blame them?

SANTORUM:  If I could add…

TRUMP:  (cuts Santorum off with a wave of his hand) No, Rick, you may not.   I’m not sure I’ll have to fire you.  You’ll just fade away if I ignore you long enough.  (turning to Romney) Mitt, are you going to sit there and take that from Newt?  You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to show some emotion, a little engagement – something.  It’s a bit too early to start posing for Mount Rushmore.  Ivanka, what do you think?

IVANKA:  Whatever you think, dad.

DON:  Me, too, dad.

TRUMP:  Maybe we should revisit that family values message.  These kids know what to say and who’s the boss, don’t you all agree?  I’m thinking that given the weakness of Team Founding Fathers, I probably should fire you all and keep Team Glass Ceiling.  Lord knows I could use the eye candy around me.  Instead, I could end up staring at Haley Barbour all day long if I’m not careful.  OK, everybody out while I make my decision.  (cue theme music)

Who will stay and who will go?  Tune in this Thursday night to find out who Trumps fires as he continues his quixotic quest for the Leader of the Free World.  Now stay tuned for the Miss Universe Pageant, sponsored by…you guessed it!

Reason and accountability – YOU’RE FIRED!!!